What’s wrong with football, baseball, and soccer? How about their names?

Humor Post #68 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Anyone catch any of the NBA playoffs? Pretty awesome stuff. Those guys can do stuff on their own that the rest of us would need pulleys, ropes, wires, and green screens to bring off. But I realized that there’s something else good about basketball. Its name makes sense. Basket + ball = a game where you try to get a ball into a basket. How simple! How truthful! How sensible!

Now let’s talk about football, America’s most popular sport by far. It’s so popular they still talk about it almost every night on ESPN and the season ended almost six months ago. But the trouble is that football is hardly played with the feet at all, unless you count running. But then shouldn’t we call every sport (except hockey) runball? Anyway, you do use your feet in football, sure, but at the very most once every four or five plays. Usually it’s less. Now there IS a game that uses your feet much more. It’s called football. Well, uh… that’s what it’s called in every other country in the world except ours. We call that sport soccer. Huh? But even football/soccer would be better named as foot and head ball since a bunch of goals are scored by headers (which is hitting the ball with your head, for those of you who don’t live on Earth).

Okay, you say baseball does have people running to bases. Yes, you are so right, but you are so wrong that that’s the best way to describe the game. Wouldn’t the bat, or the actions of pitching and catching have as much or more to do with the game? Besides, getting on base isn’t the ultimate goal. Getting to the fourth base is! So baseball, you strike out too.

Well, what about hockey? you ask. (Or maybe you don’t, but hey, it’s my blog and Ima be in charge.) Hockey is basically just a soccer… uh, football game played on ice. A bunch of guys trying to get a ball (or a ball substitute) into a goal surrounded by a net. (That goes for lacrosse too.) Nothing in the name hockey even suggests a hockey stick, kind of an essential part of the game, wouldn’t ya think? And there’s other games called hockey, like field hockey. And what’s a hock anyway? Just askin’.

Bowling? Where’s the bowl? Golf?? Tennis??

There goes Crankenfuss, you say. Always pointing out the problems, but never anything good to say. True enough. Most of the time. But today I have a few sports where the names DO MAKE SENSE. Handball! Yep, it’s not that popular, but you score every point by hitting a ball with your hand. What a concept! Notice that it’s not called wallball though that would at least include an important part of the game. And there’s swimming. Ah, a sport that tells it like it is.

The 100 meter dash.
The high jump.
Long jump.
Calf roping.
Dumpster diving.

And how about fishing? I’m talking about fighting those marlins and swordfish, not sitting around drinking beer all day in a rowboat and catching minnows. And one more great one: bullfighting! Even though it’s not really a fair fight, what with them stabbing the bull about a gajillion times (by the picadors; you can look it up) before the matador ever gets into the ring, it still pretty much summarizes what’s going on.

So in closing I’ll say… I’m through. ‘Nuff said. Game, set, and match to
Dr. Crankenfuss
Your Dude with the Tude

You Always Hurt the One You Love. Just look what this guy did to Tiger Woods.

Humor Post #67 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Please everyone, before we start… Go check out the menu above for this site. See the link just after “Home”? What a thing of beauty that is, don’t you think? Dr. Crankenfuss’s Blog. Makes you appreciate what a great country you live in, doesn’t it?

Anyway, here’s a short and sad story. It’s the story of a dude who really likes Tiger Woods. So he goes and buys a ticket to see Tiger at the U.S. Open. (FYI, that’s one of the biggest and hardest tournaments there is. It’s a high class tournament in a beautiful place.) Now, say the guy lives near San Francisco. Well then, he can go see Tiger for somewhere around $200-300 for one round cause they played the tournament near San Francisco. At least that’s as close as I could figure it out from my incredibly thorough web research. Of course, then there’s probably $50 for parking, but we won’t mention that. If he has to fly in, ooh, that’s way more for the flight and the hotel, the meals, all those souvenirs like the life-sized blow-up doll of Tiger, and lots of other cool stuff.

So he wants Tiger to see him, to really notice him, ya know, so Tiger will remember him and appreciate what a great fan he is. So he dresses in a way that’s hard for Tiger to miss. A way that truly honors his hero.

This is a guy who gets to vote? And they won't let kids vote? (This picture came from Reuters.)

Yep, that’s right. He dresses up in a tiger suit. Now this isn’t some six-year-old getting ready for Halloween. It’s an ADULT MAN who gets to vote and to drive and probably has a job and responsibilities and the ability to fork out a bunch of money to see Tiger in person. How can things be so bad if this dude can scrounge up all that money? And the tiger suit. That had to run him half a week’s salary at Big Lots or Family Dollar.

Anyway, if I could talk to this guy (and I really wouldn’t want to), I’d say, “Dude, this getup makes you look like an idiot. You know, as in F-I-D-I-O-T! I don’t know if Tiger saw you, but if golfers get freaked out by people talking too much or by taking pictures, he probably had a meltdown when he saw you!”

Hey Tiger, over here, over here. (Photo by Associated Press.)

“Hey, that’s probably why Tiger flamed out this weekend,” I’d go on. By this time, he’s trying to get away but I keep following him giving him my deep insightful analysis . “Tiger was doing great on the first two days, you toe sucker, but then he got an eyeful of you jumping up and down and calling his name and BOOM! His game got zombified. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!”

And think about those other poor people walking nearby in the top picture. The one guy in the sunglasses is going, “Give me a break, bimbo!” and the others are doing their best to pretend they’re not in Madagascar III. Some woman in the crowd is probably telling her husband, “We paid $1000 for this? I wanted to spend our vacation money to go see a live performance of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ but you said we should come and see Tiger. Well here he is, right next to you. Why don’t you ask him for his autograph? Oh, you’re going to pay for this one, big boy. Just you wait.” And the poor husband is going to himself, “Why me, Lord? Why me?”

And to top it off, during the award ceremonies, some guy dressed up like a bird jumped in front of the champion and started “tweeting” on television. Really! What is happening to our world. Two weeks ago we had an epidemic of zombie attacks, people eating each other’s faces and sending body parts through the mail. (I’m not making this up. I saw it on television. On the real news, not in “The Walking Dead.”)

Yes sir, we live in a great country, yes we do. Lucky we have the freedom we do or guys like this would be put in places they deserve.

Anyway, that’s all I got. It’s not much, but Daniel has been drawing cartoons of moose for around 10 hours a day so I don’t get to write squat. Talk to you soon, I hope.

Till later,
from Your Dude with the Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss