Want to Get Rich/ Without a Glitch?/ It’s a Matter of Which/ Wagon to Hitch

Humor Post #122 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m not going to be honest! Yeah, you heard me. Mr. Straight Talker is going crooked. Here’s why.

I was thinking of some clever way to tell people how to get rich and put it in one of my crazy raps, you know? I was due for a good rap. But all I could think of was to work hard and do what you’re told and stuff like that. What’s the fun in telling people that? They can get that junk from their parents or their teachers. So I let my imagination go and this is what I came up with. I don’t really think it’s great advice, but it’s a great rap and that’s what really counts.

So anyway, here’s my poem.

by Dr. Crankenfuss

Say, you got money on the brain?
Wanna make so much, you’ll go insane?
Parents try to steer you to medicine or law,
But those salaries don’t leave me in awe.
Their pay don’t come close to approachin’
The Benjamins earned in basketball coachin’.
Coach K takes in near 11 mill;
His kids’ path in life is hardly uphill.

But actors and athletes —
Their aim’s the same —
To entertain —
They make bigger bucks and they get uber fame.
But if you’re more private; don’t need the adulation,
Be the CEO of a big corporation.
Your take home pay will be hundreds of mills;
Makes it kinda easy to pay the light bill.

Want even more? (But this ain’t easy to fake.)
Move to Arabia. Become an oil sheik.

But even though all these plans are jivin’
They still take lots of work or connivin’.
I want something easier: coin without sweat;
Don’t want a long term nine-to-five permit.

So my plan to get everyone all hot on me?
Plunk my dollars down on the Powerball Lottery.
My chances ain’t great, but they’re probably better
Than all those schemes I’ve listed in this letter.
I’m not a hard worker and my grades usually suck
So I’m hitchin’ my wagon to Lady Luck.
So while you’re out there worryin’ ‘bout your next job placement,
I’ll be counting future winnings in my parents’ basement.

The End

See, it’s meant to be ironic. I don’t really believe you should count on winning the lottery to make a living. THAT’S DUMB! (That’s why I put in that last line.) My mom says the lottery is a tax on dumb people. I know what she means, but hey, somebody DOES win sometimes so they sure weren’t dumb.

Anyway, that’s all I got for you this time. Hope you liked the rhymes, at least. Maybe I could start a bunch of raps called Raps for Dumb People. (And don’t go telling me I’ve already done that!)

I’ll shut up now.

From Your Dude with a Screwy ‘Tude (but just for today, I hope),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Daniel’s Got a New Book Video/ Guaranteed So Sick It’ll Make Your Mind Blow

Humor Post #121 from The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Ooh, props are due Daniel! He’s come out with a new book trailer at YouTube with Dr. Magic, the rapping puppet. This one’s for STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK. That is one cool book, especially if you enjoy hurling. And no, I’m not talking about the sport you play with a ball.

So for this, Dr. Crankenfuss thought about what he could give you that could possibly rival the coolicity of such a wicked book video. And he came up with a perfect solution: a rap by Dr. Crankenfuss.

by Dr. Crankenfuss

Dr. Magic makin' it clear
Dr. Magic makin’ it clear to one and all
(Dr. Magic is a creation of HD-Flat Beats (Google him).

Daniel got him a new book trailer,
It so shocking, you’ll need an inhaler.
Dr. Magic has opted to star again.
He so hot, he’s our cayenne.

He gonna rap ’bout STORIES GUARANTEED,
It so off the hook, you’ll get a nose bleed.
Humor, horror, nasal fiction,
Try it just once, it’ll be your addiction.

At Freaky Dude Books, we don’t miss a trick
Will give your bad brain a good swift kick
And whack your funny bone like a pool stick.
So just you take it from ol’ Dr. Crank:
Read this book and you’ll be swank,
It’s like gettin’ free money from a really hip bank,
Then goin’ skinny-dippin’ in a septic tank.
For 3.99, you can’t ask for more
So check it out at your favorite e-store.

Nice going, Daniel!

From Your Dude with a ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Dr. Magic, the Rapping Puppet, Slams You with his Song about LOVE THUG

Dr. Magic doin' his magic thang.
Dr. Magic doin’ his magic thang.

Hey, everyone. It’s both Dr. Crankenfuss and Daniel here to show off Dr. Magic — he’s that dude at the left — in his awesome LOVE THUG RAP. First we posted this at Weekend Writing Warriors for their Sunday snippet. But hey, it’s for everyone!

It’s a hip hop musical salute to LOVE THUG, a novel by Daniel Berenson. Lyrics by Daniel, puppetry by HD-Flat Beats.

Just click here and you’ll be transported to Dr. Magic’s lab where he has some wicked cool words for you.

When you’re done, hit the BACK BUTTON if you want to make a comment here.

Thanks so much for checking Dr. Magic out. And while you’re here, take a tour of the rest of the Freaky Dude Books site (especially Dr. Crankenfuss’s blog since there’s nothing else out there like it).

Keep chillin’!
Daniel Berenson, Dr. Crankenfuss, and the other wackos at Freaky Dude Books

Lance the Collie Ain’t Feelin’ Too Jolly

Lance_with_hair_on_porchHumor Post #118 from the Blog of The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Middle School Curmudgeon, Dr. Crankenfuss
No, this ain’t Dr. Crankenfuss at the left, guys. It’s Lance the Collie and he wanted to have his say, so I gave him this post. He needs your help bad. You tell ’em, Lance.

Okay, here goes. Hey, my name is Lance Berenson and I live with Daniel. Many would call him my “owner” but as Dr. Crankenfuss would probably say, “I beg to differ.” He’s more like my enemy, at least right now. Read my poem and see who’s right and who’s wrong.

by Lance the Collie

I got for you a shaggy dog story.
See me up there in my canine glory?
But I’ve been brought low and I ain’t to blame,
I’ve been saddled up with “The Cone of Shame.”

Do I look happy? My answer is NOT!
I’m lookin’ real stupid and my freedom’s shot,
I’m getting whacked by chairs and doors,
I’m writin’ APS; can’t take it no more.

Daniel tells me it’s for my health,
But all I was doin’ was lickin’ myself,
So I get hot spots and I’m a bit sore,
I can deal with that; I’ll just lick some more.

But Daniel carted me off to the vet
Who said this dumb coller’d be the end of it.
But it’s not right: life’s not the same,
I’m sulkin’ in the corner with my “Cone of Shame.”

I didn’t do nothin’; I was totally framed.
Help me get out of this “Cone of Shame.”

from Lance the Collie (who even appeared on YouTube here with my pal Rex and here doing a magic trick.)

Please leave your comments below. Maybe Daniel will listen. I doubt it, but I can pray for a miracle.

A New UNCLE SAM POSTER for today’s times

Humor Post #117 from The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, I gotta admit, I’m kinda tired lately. If I was using my usually far-out, intellectual vocabulary, I could say I was fatigued or uh… flagging, but I’m too tired to, so I’ll just say I’m pooped out. Oh, no, that doesn’t sound right either, especially if you’re one of those “Ha, ha, didn’t he just say poop?” kind of chuckleheads.

Well, there I go again. Off-topic, as usual. Okay, the reason I’m so enervated — Ha! I just found that one at THESAURUS.COM and it’s a very cool word because it sounds like it means the opposite of what it really means. Very tricky, dudes! — is that Daniel is going on like three hours of sleep a night. He’s been all involved in this LOVE THUG giveaway at Amazon and that’s okay and all, but it’s keeping me from my beauty rest too.

But I DID help Daniel come up with something to take his mind off all those numbers and networking. I gave him the idea for this new UNCLE SAM POSTER. It’s kinda how Daniel and I feel a lot of the time. We feel like we’re working so hard all the time, there’s no time for fun. So here’s the idea I gave him:

Pretty cool, huh! So even though we’re working hard, at least we came up with something good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss