August | 2014 | Freaky Dude Books

Post #143 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Today I have a poem for you. Some of you will probably be offended by it. Hey, I’m used to that. Lots of stuff I say gives people a headache. I exaggerated the title, of course, to get your attention. I don’t really think that way. (I gotta keep up this cranky image, you know.) But give this a good look and see if you don’t agree with the conclusion (even if you don’t want to admit it). Also, feel free to send your response to that survey at the end. Many thanks.

UGLY BABY
by Dr. Crankenfuss

I know this poem’s gonna make people hate on me,
Especially mamas showin’ off their babes to me.
They think cause it’s theirs, the kid’s somehow magical,
But to think they’re all cute is just not logical.
I know this next fact will cause parental damage,
But by definition, folks, half your kids are below average.

It must be a girl thing, fussing over babies,
And I know life’s a miracle. Hey, I’m not crazy!
But I suspect lots of people are only being dutiful
When they see a newborn and coo, “Oh, she’s so beautiful.”
Cause I’ve seen lots of babies and with some you can be smitten,
But few can compare to your average little kitten.

We’re supposed to be life’s highest form
But we don’t look so good soon after we’re born.
Compared to prancing puppies and hopping haby goats,
If I’m surfin’ through YouTube, I know which way I vote.
It’s a Roomba riding kitty,
A bear cub on a bike,
A doggie on a surfboard.
Little critters? What’s not to like?

So when it comes to babies,
Humans have a ways to go.
Compared to other species,
We fall a bit below.
I’ll give you a good example
And then you’ll plainly see:
I was an ugly baby
And now look at me!

**********

Now, how about giving me your opinion? Who has the cutest babies: humans, dogs, cats, goats, meercats, dolphins, something else? You decide. By the way, to show I’m not totally anti-human, check out that one-year-old boy playing the drums on YouTube. I’m not kidding. It’s unbelievable! It doesn’t get much better than that!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Post #142 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

When is a board not a board? I’m serious. This isn’t a little kids’ joke that can be answered with, “When it’s floating in the water next to the boat.” No, I mean a real board, like a 2×4 that is used in most any kind of house there is.

See, I have a friend who’s taking Shop—the kind where you go build stuff, not the one that teaches you how to behave at the mall—and he told me that a 2×4 is really only one and a half inches by three and a half inches. Huh? That’s a pretty big difference. Say you’re trying to fill a box with a bunch of boards—Don’t bother to ask why. Just go with me on this, okay?—and the box is a foot high, foot wide, and two feet from end to end. Like the box just below, okay.

Nice looking box, eh? Anyway you get some two foot long 2×4’s. You’re good in math so you figure it will take three boards to go across the bottom (which would be a foot total since you multiply 3 X 4) and six boards from the bottom to the top (since 6 X 2 = 12). So that’s 18 boards in all, right?

WRONG! You would still have all this empty space left in the box. I don’t see how builders can work this way. Why isn’t a 2×4 a 2×4? It’s like they round up. Way up. Saying one and half inches is two inches is like adding 33% to it. It’s like those ice cream cartons that everyone calls half a gallon, but they’re way smaller than that. (So the companies can get more of your money without you thinking about it, see? Ooh, they ARE sneaky, aren’t they?)

Hey, if I use this strategy, it could really help me. Say I’m five feet tall. (I’m really taller, but I want the math to be easy.) I can just say, “Yo, dudes, I’m a massive six foot eight inches tall.” (33% extra). Wow, looks like I’m going out for basketball after all.

And if I go to a movie, I can just give the guy in the window $6 and tell him, “Hey, guy in the window, this may look like $6, but it’s really $8. So let me in, all right?”

Just trying to help out, ya’ know. That’s what I do, remember? Point out stuff that needs fixing. Which will make life better for all of us.

Talk to you soon, I hope.

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss