All posts by crankenfuss

CRANKENFUSS IS B-A-C-K (and he’s gonna point out some “alternative facts” on the Brian Williams Show at MSNBC)

April 13, 2017 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #171 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

(Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Did that guy get his face at a yard sale?” But this picture is exaggerated. It took me over five minutes to get this mad. When I’m not mad, which is at least 20 minutes a day, I look much better. But the IMPORTANT THING is my ideas will blow your mind. And that’s a GOOD THING! Stick around. You’ll learn stuff about how adults always think kids don’t know that much, but THEY’RE the ones who need the educating.)

So first let me re-introduce myself. (It’s been so, so long!!)

Oh, me, oh, my,
Oh me, oh my,
I bet you thought
I’d said good-bye.

But no, this is not your lucky day. The Crank is B-A-A-C-K and my attitude is better, uh, worse than ever. See, Daniel wouldn’t let me post since like before time began because he was getting his house ready for sale and that took like forever ’cause it like needed lots of fixing up. But now that’s all over with and he says I can have my say again.

And I don’t want to start by talking about small stuff. I want to start off BIG! I’ll show you how adults can be REALLY STUPID!! And I’m gonna do this by taking on Brian Williams and MSNBC. (That’s a whole TV channel for those of you who don’t know.) They think they’re so smart because they’re “sophisticated adults,” but they don’t even know HOW TIME WORKS!

Don’t believe me?? Well, keep on reading.

Now I’m going to show you a picture from the show. You’ll see a big picture of President Trump, but this article isn’t about him. He’s just lucky enough to get his picture in my post. The important part is the title of the show and what you see at the bottom.

As you can see, the show is called The 11th Hour with Brian Williams and it comes comes on from 11:00 to 12:00 every weeknight.

One of the opening shots from Brian Williams' show. — **An opening shot from Brian Williams’ show. Just notice the title and the time it comes on. (Picture courtesy of MSNBC.)**

There’s just one itty-bitty problem with this show’s title. BRIAN’S SHOW DOESN’T COME ON AT THE 11th HOUR!! IT COMES ON AT THE 12th HOUR!! Think about it. If there are 12 hours on a clock, the last hour is between 11:00 and 12:00. So the show should be called THE TWELFTH HOUR. And on top of that, since there are 24 hours in a day, really the show is on the last hour of the day and an even better name for it would be THE 24th HOUR. (Or at least something like AT THE END OF THE DAY, which is something that at least 50% of all guests on all of these news shows say over and over and over again (till all I do is count how many times people say, “At the end of the day…” instead of listening to anything else.)

Is there no one at MSNBC who can figure this out? How about Brian Williams, for a start? He can count, can’t he? They must have a whole team of party hearty smarty-pants running the show and they tell everyone how the world should be run AND THEY CAN’T EVEN TELL TIME!

Can you say “alternative facts”? Can you say “fake news”?

And yeah, I know there’s a really old expression that goes something like, “She got saved at the 11th hour,” which means she got saved at the last minute. But so what?? Just because the expression was wrong before doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be fixed. I mean people used to think the world was flat, but we got over that, didn’t we? And this mistake can be fixed too.

So how about it, Brian? How about it, MSNBC?

Let’s just spread the word about this and see how they respond. Time for the adults get some learnin’!

From a dude
Who’s just lookin’
Out for ya’,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

If it’s your life you wanna save/ Be very careful with your first shave!

February 3, 2016 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #170 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, I was finally ready. For what? To go through one of the great rituals of becoming a man, that’s what! I know I may be a bit young for my first shave, but hey I’m pretty sure I saw some of that fuzz of my face starting to get darker and even a little thicker. I mean, I don’t want to be walking around school with a couple ugly hairs sticking out around my mouth, do I? What if some girl comes up and says, “What’s this?” and she reaches out grabs one with her fingernails and pulls. O-w-w-w-w!! Nope, no way I’m going to let that happen.

So first off, I didn’t want my mom to be in there cooing all over me when this happened. How embarrassing! This is guy stuff, right? Even manly man stuff. Naw, I’d do it on my own. I mean, how hard could it be? There must be a couple billion guys out there who know how to shave. And by definition, half of them have below average intelligence. Hey, some even shave their heads too and I don’t see them looking like war victims or anything. So once again, how hard could it be? I wanted to use an electric shaver, but when I checked out the prices, I decided I’d go the old-fashioned, natural way. But even regular razors can cost a ton, at least they did my our local drugstore.

That’s when I had a great idea. “That’s what dollar stores are for,” I told myself. And sure enough, I was able to find 3 razors for a dollar at the one closest to me. And each razor had two blades in it, certainly enough weaponry to tackle my new “beard.” (I know “beard” is kind of strong for what I got, but that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.)

“That’s using your head,” I told myself. “No use making myself go broke just to shave one time. And who knows, this shave might last a week or more.” So I got all ready when my mom was out shopping or something. Got in the bathroom with Razor #1 and my brand-new can of dollar shaving cream. Got the water pretty darn hot and put it on a handcloth and soaked my face for maybe 30 seconds. That’s to soften up your beard. (I’d read that on the web.) Then I shook the can of shaving cream, squirted some in my hand, and put it all over my face real nice, ya know. In the mirror I looked a little like Santa Claus, but whatever.

I was ready! I took out that razor and tested its sharpness by carefully running my index finger along the blade. Just to be sure, ya know. Huh?? The blades were really dull. But then I saw that I’d forgotten to take the plastic cap off. Stupid me! So after I fixed that boo boo, I tested the blades again.

Big mistake. A double line of bright red appeared on my finger followed by the same color of blood making a grand appearance. Dang, it hurt!! I immediately put the finger in my mouth and tried to find the box of band-aids in the cabinet. Finally found it, but have you tried to unwrap a band-aid with one hand in your mouth, then put it on a finger gushing blood like Old Faithful? Try it sometime.

Well, there went close to ten minutes I wouldn’t ever get back. Three band-aids it took. But now I was mad. I had to get back to the real job. No doubt the blades were sharp enough. So now I washed my face — trying to keep that bandaged finger dry — and soaked it again, then put on a new layer of cream. Finally I was ready again. Luckily I had cut my left hand so I still had my good one to shave with. I took the blade and put in next to my ear and pulled down gently. It started off fine, then the blade caught on something. I pulled a little harder. $%&@&%!! More blood. I think I must have popped a pimple or something. But I didn’t want to stop for another 10 minutes of emergency rescue work so I kept going, being as careful as I could and still be touching the skin.

Hey, for 33 cents, that razor could do some cutting. I’m surprised I’ve never seen a super hero use one. But unfortunately it was mostly my skin, not the hairs, that were getting decimated. And somehow I managed to cut my lips in three places and missed the hairs that I was aiming at close by. (It didn’t help that the shaving cream made the bigger hairs really hard to find.)

I really don’t want to go into too much more detail. After all, this blog is kind of PG rated. All I can say is it didn’t go as well as I thought it would.

Me AFTER my first shave. Can you tell how much better I look?

Look at me now. My mom really freaked when she saw me after she got home. There was no way I could lie about what had happened. What kind of story could I have made up? Hey, Mom, you wouldn’t believe it. I was brushing my teeth — Already that would make the story sound suspicious — when a colony of frighteningly aggressive army ants swarmed all over me? I couldn’t come up with anything. I had to fess up. She took it better than I thought she would and she helped put new bandages on my face that were defintely better placed. But now I can’t talk! Or eat! But she says she’ll help me take them off in a couple hours and at least maybe the bleeding will have stopped. And even then, I’ll probably have to have my dinner through a straw because of my cut lips. Looks like chicken broth for Ol’ Crankenfuss. Ooh, maybe I could plead for a milk shake.

Anyway I’m blogging this now, before the bandages come off, to give you dudes some warnings about your first shave:
1) You should probably wait until you have some hairs big enough for a razor to find.
2) Forget the razor. Better to start off with an electric shaver.
3) Be very careful of any zits you may have neglected to mark with little flags or something.
4) And be sure to have your phone nearby so you can call 911 if needed.

Okay, it’s almost time for my mom to do the best she can to revitalize the patient. As far as school goes tomorrow, that’s looking pretty iffy. Hey, maybe I can pretend it’s Halloween and I’m going as a bandage display case.

Ah, who am I kidding?

Later, dudes.

From a young and proud adolescent,
who now definitely needs an anti-depressant,
’cause his skin is bright red, almost iridescent,
and for now has become a convelescent.
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Wanna do damage to your heart?/ Get in a line at Costco with three things in your cart.

January 30, 2016 crankenfuss 2 Comments

Post #169 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, we’re at the local Costco, okay. Great store overall! Where else can I buy a like a 60-pound bag of chocolate bars for the price of a 3-pound bag in a regular grocery store? And their $5 roasted-on-a-spit chickens are bigger than most turkeys. Okay, I exaggerate, but they really are big. But they have one problem that’s even bigger than their roasted chickens (or those bags of chocolate).

See, I was there with my mom — seeing as how I don’t exactly drive yet — and we only had about three items in our cart, including that chicken and not including that bag of chocolate I was begging for. And we get to the cash registers and here the problem begins.

The lines were H-U-G-E!! And even though we only had three freakin’ things in our cart, it still took us like 15 minutes to get through the line. Not fair, y’all.

Why isn't there an express lane at Costco or Sam's? I ask you, people? — Why isn’t there an express lane at Costco or Sam’s? I ask you, people?

Oy!! Look at that monster cart to the left of the picture. That’s about a month’s worth of food. And that was ahead of us! A-y-y-y!

And yes, I went to the supervisor’s desk or whatever it’s called and asked (really politely at first) why they didn’t have an express line and they gave the same old line they gave me last time — that other people had asked the same question and that they had told the higher-ups at their headquarters, but there was nothing they could do about it. In fact, the lady told me that it wouldn’t be fair for someone with fewer items to get ahead because this way everybody was dealt with “in order.”

Huh? What could be so hard about doing something that every grocery store has figured out? Hey, I saw one guy there with ONE THING in his cart — a 20 roll container of toilet paper — man, he must have been in some trouble — and he had to wait just like all of us. I bet he didn’t even make it to his bathroom in time.

And for those of you out there who thinks SAM’S has a better system, THEY DON’T. So come on, you giant warehouse retailers. Give your customers who don’t need a truck full of stuff a chance to get through the lines faster. P-L-E-A-S-E!!

Just a simple request
that I’ve already discussed,
An idea whose time has come
from Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Dr. Crankenfuss fixes one of the most famous nursery rhymes in the world

January 19, 2016 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #168 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, I’m still a bit steamed from looking over a bunch of nursery rhymes that somehow have been around for hundreds of years and no one has the guts to say, “These things are kind of stupid, don’t you think?” Well no one, that is, until Dr. Crankenfuss came along. In my last post I tore up “Pease Porridge Hot” so bad I don’t know if it’ll ever recover. Besides that, I sent an email to the Center of Disease Control in Atlanta to tell them how dangerous this poem was for little children’s health (or for adults, if they’re still getting off on nursery rhymes). But so far they haven’t written back. I’m still waiting though.

Now here’s another one, maybe in the top five of all time. And I admit, it’s nowhere near as dangerous as the last one. Actually it’s not dangerous at all. And I also admit I’m being kind of picky with this one. But I don’t care. It still needs fixing and you’ll see why. It’s a cute little thing that teaches little kiddies how to count to ten and it’s called ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE. “I know that one, Crankenfuss, ” you’re probably saying. “What’s the matter with that one?” Well, it’s just that it bugs me how the author just came up with any old line at the end that would rhyme so the poem would be done with. And no one’s ever bothered to fix it, even though it would be easy. Here, let me show you what I mean.

ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE

All pictures from A BOOK OF NURSERY RHYMES by Clara Atwood (1901).

Let’s start off with the first two lines. (I bet you’ve already figured them out.) “One, two, buckle my shoe.” Yes, I agree it’s a nice little rhyme. It has a couple numbers and then an action that is recommended. I got no problem with that.

Thanks to Clara for drawing these so long ago, they're now in the public domain. — Thanks to Clara for drawing these so long ago, they’re now in the public domain.

“Three, four, shut the door.” Yes, two more numbers and a recommended action. See, that old-fashioned dude is doing just what he’s told. (BTW, nice clothes, kid! Man, I’m glad we don’t dress like that anymore. If I wore that to school, I’m sure I’d be laughed right out into the street, if not farther. Can you say, “newest victim of bullying”?)

Source for all images - Wikimedia Commons. — Source for all images – Wikimedia Commons.

“Five, six, pick up sticks.” Still no complaint here. Numbers, then an action.

lay_them_straight_164X168 “Seven, eight, lay them straight.” You’re seeing a definite pattern here, aren’t you? So obviously the last one will follow this same pattern, won’t it? Of course it will.

hen_164X168 WRONG!! It’s “Nine, ten, a big fat hen.” Scuse me?? Yeah, it’s got the numbers and there’s a rhyme, but where’s the action? It’s like the writer just said, “Hey, nobody’ll care if I can’t think of an action for this one. I’ll just stick in something that’ll rhyme. I mean, it’s just for dumb little kids who can’t even count. What’ll they care?” The writer might as well have put, “A ten-foot pen” or “Three wise men” or “Your own play pen.” That nursery rhyme genius JUST DIDN’T CARE!

Well, it’s obvious that nobody else has cared for hundreds of years, neither little kids — but I forgive them because what do they know? — or their parents, but that doesn’t keep ol’ Crankenfuss from pointing out that this is pure, sloppy, lazy writing. How hard could it be to come up with an action that rhymes with “ten”? Hey, I have the perfect one: “Nine, ten, Let’s do it again.” See, that makes the whole thing circular. It takes you back to the beginning and that little cutie pie will keep repeating and repeating and repeating — oh, you get the picture — until those ten numbers are fused into her little brain (or his, of course).

Can you think of a more perfect last line?

It’s like that “Pete and Repeat”joke that ends with the word “Repeat” so the teller has to repeat the thing over and over. And yeah, I know it’s dumb, but it DOES make sense and little kids love it. And they’ll like the Crankenfuss version of “One, Two, Buckle my Shoe” better as well for the same reason. It just makes sense.

I learned at school that Robert Kennedy, President Kennedy’s brother once said, “There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”

Yes, I think Robert Kennedy would think Dr. Crankenfuss would fit into that important second category. ‘Cause that’s what I do, ya know?

From a guy who should have been around way back when
nursery rhymes were being created. That way, millions
of little children would be better off.

Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

A nursery rhyme so bad, it can kill you!

January 11, 2016 crankenfuss 2 Comments

Post #167 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

“There still has to be someone to stand up to the stupid stuff and people in the world, doesn’t there?” Yep, that’s a quote straight from my last post and once again, it didn’t take me long to find something that needs pointing out. This is kind of an itch that just keeps itching because these things have been annoying me for a long time. It’s the dumbicity of so many classic nursery rhymes. How do these things stay so popular?

Yes, it's well drawn, but pretty rediculous. (Source: Wikimedia Commons) — Yes, it’s well drawn, but pretty rediculous. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

Here’s a picture from an old nursery rhymes book. You can probably tell which one it is: “Hey, Diddle, Diddle.” In case you don’t quite understand this silly picture, I’ve labeled a bit of it for you. But there’s no reason to get into putting this poem down. That’s because I already did that — in gory detail — in my book DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS: VOLUME 2. In that book I also dissect “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep” and “Little Jack Horner.” And when I say dissect, I mean I cut ’em up, baby.

I destroy a a few other nursery rhymes in my first DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS, including “Humpty Dumpty” and “Rub-a-Dub-Dub” — ooh, that last one gets a particularly sharp blade.

But today I’m going to talk about “Pease Porridge Hot.” I found it in a book of rhymes that still (somehow) sits in my mom’s office. She says it brings back good memories of her and my childhoods. Gwah! I’m lucky I survived if this is what my mom was feeding me. I coulda died!

Okay, here it is, in case you don’t have it memorized.

Please, please, don't give me these pease. (Drawing by me -- that would be Dr. Crankenfuss. — Please, please, don’t give me these pease. (Drawing by me — that would be Dr. Crankenfuss.)

Pease porridge hot,
Pease porridge cold.
Pease porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.

Some like it hot,
Some like it cold.
Some like it in the pot
Nine days old.

So first of all, Pease Porridge basically means Pea Soup. This thing was supposedly written in the 1700s so we can give it a pass on the spelling. Back then, that’s the way they did it, okay? But let’s look at what it SAYS!! Just look at that second verse. “Some like it… nine days old.” Whaaa?? Like who? I wonder. Someone who wants to get e-coli or norovirus, that’s what I say. Who’d leave out a pot of soup for nine days and then feed it to anyone, much less their wittle dahwing baby? And yes, it might be hard to see that it’s full of disease and death because mold is kind of the same color as pea soup, but c’mon, y’all. Cut me some slack here. NOBODY would think this was good nutrition advice for children. But that’s who is most affected by nursery rhymes. So all of you out there, please be careful not to follow any of the suggestions in this dangerous poem.

There. And when you save your little brother or sister (or yourself) from dying because of this nursery rhyme, you can write me and thank me. I don’t mind. I won’t even ask for any payment for my medical advice.

As always, just tryin’ to help,
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Who’s asking you, “Pretty please,
Stay away from rotten pease.”
Dr. Crankenfuss