Category Archives: Freak Speak

CRANKENFUSS IS B-A-C-K (and he’s gonna point out some “alternative facts” on the Brian Williams Show at MSNBC)

Dr. CrankenfussPost #171 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

(Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Did that guy get his face at a yard sale?” But this picture is exaggerated. It took me over five minutes to get this mad. When I’m not mad, which is at least 20 minutes a day, I look much better. But the IMPORTANT THING is my ideas will blow your mind. And that’s a GOOD THING!  Stick around. You’ll learn stuff about how adults always think kids don’t know that much, but THEY’RE the ones who need the educating.)

So first let me re-introduce myself. (It’s been so, so long!!)

Oh, me, oh, my,
Oh me, oh my,
I bet you thought
I’d said good-bye.

But no, this is not your lucky day. The Crank is B-A-A-C-K and my attitude is better, uh, worse than ever. See, Daniel wouldn’t let me post since like before time began because he was getting his house ready for sale and that took like forever ’cause it like needed lots of fixing up. But now that’s all over with and he says I can have my say again.

And I don’t want to start by talking about small stuff. I want to start off BIG! I’ll show you how adults can be REALLY STUPID!! And I’m gonna do this by taking on Brian Williams and MSNBC. (That’s a whole TV channel for those of you who don’t know.) They think they’re so smart because they’re “sophisticated adults,” but they don’t even know HOW TIME WORKS!

Don’t believe me?? Well, keep on reading.

Now I’m going to show you a picture from the show. You’ll see a big picture of President Trump, but this article isn’t about him. He’s just lucky enough to get his picture in my post. The important part is the title of the show and what you see at the bottom.

As you can see, the show is called The 11th Hour with Brian Williams and it comes comes on from 11:00 to 12:00 every weeknight.

One of the opening shots from Brian Williams' show.
An opening shot from Brian Williams’ show. Just notice the title and the time it comes on. (Picture courtesy of MSNBC.)

There’s just one itty-bitty problem with this show’s title. BRIAN’S SHOW DOESN’T COME ON AT THE 11th HOUR!! IT COMES ON AT THE 12th HOUR!! Think about it. If there are 12 hours on a clock, the last hour is between 11:00 and 12:00. So the show should be called THE TWELFTH HOUR. And on top of that, since there are 24 hours in a day, really the show is on the last hour of the day and an even better name for it would be THE 24th HOUR. (Or at least something like AT THE END OF THE DAY, which is something that at least 50% of all guests on all of these news shows say over and over and over again (till all I do is count how many times people say, “At the end of the day…” instead of listening to anything else.)

Is there no one at MSNBC who can figure this out? How about Brian Williams, for a start? He can count, can’t he? They must have a whole team of party hearty smarty-pants running the show and they tell everyone how the world should be run AND THEY CAN’T EVEN TELL TIME!

Can you say “alternative facts”? Can you say “fake news”?

And yeah, I know there’s a really old expression that goes something like, “She got saved at the 11th hour,” which means she got saved at the last minute. But so what?? Just because the expression was wrong before doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be fixed. I mean people used to think the world was flat, but we got over that, didn’t we? And this mistake can be fixed too.

So how about it, Brian? How about it, MSNBC?

Let’s just spread the word about this and see how they respond. Time for the adults get some learnin’!

From a dude
Who’s just lookin’
Out for ya’,
Dr. Crankenfuss

A Poem about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

The other white meat
The other white meat

Okay, readers. Here’s another contribution from me for the Freaky Dude Books blog. This one has a bad word or two in it, so all you small children who frequent this site, be aware that your minds get get warped a little. But it’s about Presidential politics, so why would you even be looking at it. You’d rather be playing video games or eating your Girl Scout Cookies, right?


© 2016 by Daniel Berenson

Every four years, here I am again!
Every four years, here I am again!

The last Republican debate was a sight,
It reminded me of school kids in a fight,
Three grown men yelling at the same time,
But nothing said ’bout poverty, poisoned water, or crime.

Mr. Cruz and Mr. Carson invoke the Almighty,
But Mr. Trump’s taunts got their undies uptighty,
With all Donald’s talents we should be awed,
In his own humble words, he’s ’bout equal to God.

The Republican party might be falling apart,
The establishment’s tried to stop him, but Trump’s been too smart,
He draws huge crowds, and though his plans aren’t complex,
His fans don’t care; it’s the image he projects.

On the Democratic side, they’re much more polite,
Mr. Sanders fights hard but he’ll never cite
Ms. Clinton’s private server; when asked, he just shrugs,
Not to mention Clinton’s outfits, which look like rugs.

Clinton’s image is a problem; most people don’t trust her,
If she gets elected, it won’t be just her,
Democrats won’t admit it, but they’re afraid
That’s she’s still covering up all the times Bill’s got laid.

And Ol’ Bernie? He’s leading a populist coup,
But his programs sound too good to be true,
Free health care and college and jobs for all?
Our taxes’ll be higher than Donald Trump’s wall!

But Congress will do nothing. Son of a bitch!
They’re driving our country right into a ditch,
Our infrastructure’s dying, cracked pipes pour out waste,
At work or school we get guns pushed in our face.

And the country’s in camps, left and right,
There’s no middle ground; it’s black or it’s white,
Compromise has become a dirty word,
A proposal from Obama? ’Pubs give him the bird.

So it seems the election will be Clinton vs. Trump,
Once again the sheeple be taken for chumps,
And whoever wins this coming November,
The country will be polarized more than ever.

Having Trouble Reaching your 10,000 Step Fitbit Goal? Here Are Some Handy Substitute Activities

The other white meat
The other white meat

Okay, dudes. It’s time for me (Daniel Berenson) to put up a post instead of Dr. Crankenfuss getting his usual turn.  But don’t be concerned  about the good doctor. He’ll be fine and he’s almost ready with his next entry. In the meantime, here is some sage advice for many of you adults:  something that should take a load off your mind (if not your other body parts).


10,000 STEPS! Let me repeat that impossibly high number: 10,000 STEPS! That’s what Fitbit and other similar devices tell us we’re supposed to take each and every day to maintain our fitness. 10,000 STEPS?? That’s a tough row to hoe for most of us, ain’t it? Many of us feel like giving up before we even start. But hey, aren’t there other activities that are worth a bunch of steps even if they’re not exactly steps. For example, when I get on a recumbent bike and do an hour of cycling, doesn’t that get any respect from Fitbit? Well, it should! Same thing for swimming and weight lifting, right?

Let’s get real. Most of us have like a zero chance of attaining our Fitbit goal if we have to rely solely on our legs. So, as a public service, I’ve come up with 12 activities that Fitbit creators may not have considered when they manufactured their guilt-inducing apparatus, but they use up plenty of energy and calories just the same. Use these to up your number of steps so you can soar to the Olympian heights that Fitbit dangles in front of you like a sweet piece of pizza. Hey, we might not all be runners or walkers but we all can take pride in our own unique forms of exercise.
So don’t despair if you aren’t into using your legs to move yourself around. Use these proven substitutes to help you reach that 10,000 step goal.

There’s more than one way to take a step.



If it’s your life you wanna save/ Be very careful with your first shave!

Post #170 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, I was finally ready. For what? To go through one of the great rituals of becoming a man, that’s what! I know I may be a bit young for my first shave, but hey I’m pretty sure I saw some of that fuzz of my face starting to get darker and even a little thicker. I mean, I don’t want to be walking around school with a couple ugly hairs sticking out around my mouth, do I? What if some girl comes up and says, “What’s this?” and she reaches out grabs one with her fingernails and pulls. O-w-w-w-w!! Nope, no way I’m going to let that happen.

So first off, I didn’t want my mom to be in there cooing all over me when this happened. How embarrassing! This is guy stuff, right? Even manly man stuff. Naw, I’d do it on my own. I mean, how hard could it be? There must be a couple billion guys out there who know how to shave. And by definition, half of them have below average intelligence. Hey, some even shave their heads too and I don’t see them looking like war victims or anything. So once again, how hard could it be? I wanted to use an electric shaver, but when I checked out the prices, I decided I’d go the old-fashioned, natural way. But even regular razors can cost a ton, at least they did my our local drugstore.

That’s when I had a great idea. “That’s what dollar stores are for,” I told myself. And sure enough, I was able to find 3 razors for a dollar at the one closest to me. And each razor had two blades in it, certainly enough weaponry to tackle my new “beard.” (I know “beard” is kind of strong for what I got, but that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.)

“That’s using your head,” I told myself. “No use making myself go broke just to shave one time. And who knows, this shave might last a week or more.” So I got all ready when my mom was out shopping or something. Got in the bathroom with Razor #1 and my brand-new can of dollar shaving cream. Got the water pretty darn hot and put it on a handcloth and soaked my face for maybe 30 seconds. That’s to soften up your beard.  (I’d read that on the web.) Then I shook the can of shaving cream, squirted some in my hand, and put it all over my face real nice, ya know. In the mirror I looked a little like Santa Claus, but whatever.

I was ready! I took out that razor and tested its sharpness by carefully running my index finger along the blade. Just to be sure, ya know. Huh?? The blades were really dull. But then I saw that I’d forgotten to take the plastic cap off. Stupid me! So after I fixed that boo boo, I tested the blades again.

Big mistake. A double line of bright red appeared on my finger followed by the same color of blood making a grand appearance. Dang, it hurt!! I immediately put the finger in my mouth and tried to find the box of band-aids in the cabinet. Finally found it, but have you tried to unwrap a band-aid with one hand in your mouth, then put it on a finger gushing blood like Old Faithful? Try it sometime.

Well, there went close to ten minutes I wouldn’t ever get back. Three band-aids it took. But now I was mad. I had to get back to the real job. No doubt the blades were sharp enough. So now I washed my face — trying to keep that bandaged finger dry — and soaked it again, then put on a new layer of cream.  Finally I was ready again. Luckily I had cut my left hand so I still had my good one to shave with. I took the blade and put in next to my ear and pulled down gently. It started off fine, then the blade caught on something. I pulled a little harder. $%&@&%!! More blood. I think I must have popped a pimple or something. But I didn’t want to stop for another 10 minutes of emergency rescue work so I kept going, being as careful as I could and still be touching the skin.

Hey, for 33 cents, that razor could do some cutting. I’m surprised I’ve never seen a super hero use one. But unfortunately it was mostly my skin, not the hairs, that were getting decimated. And somehow I managed to cut my lips in three places and missed the hairs that I was aiming at close by. (It didn’t help that the shaving cream made the bigger hairs really hard to find.)

I really don’t want to go into too much more detail. After all, this blog is kind of PG rated. All I can say is it didn’t go as well as I thought it would.

Me AFTER my first shave. Can you tell how much better I look?
Me AFTER my first shave. Can you tell how much better I look?

Look at me now. My mom really freaked when she saw me after she got home. There was no way I could lie about what had happened. What kind of story could I have made up?  Hey, Mom, you wouldn’t believe it. I was brushing my teeth — Already that would make the story sound suspicious — when a colony of frighteningly aggressive army ants swarmed all over me? I couldn’t come up with anything. I had to fess up. She took it better than I thought she would and she helped put new bandages on my face that were defintely better placed. But now I can’t talk! Or eat! But she says she’ll help me take them off in a couple hours and at least maybe the bleeding will have stopped. And even then, I’ll probably have to have my dinner through a straw because of my cut lips. Looks like chicken broth for Ol’ Crankenfuss. Ooh, maybe I could plead for a milk shake.

Anyway I’m blogging this now, before the bandages come off, to give you dudes some warnings about your first shave:
1) You should probably wait until you have some hairs big enough for a razor to find.
2) Forget the razor. Better to start off with an electric shaver.
3) Be very careful of any zits you may have neglected to mark with little flags or something.
4) And be sure to have your phone nearby so you can call 911 if needed.

Okay, it’s almost time for my mom to do the best she can to revitalize the patient. As far as school goes tomorrow, that’s looking pretty iffy. Hey, maybe I can pretend it’s Halloween and I’m going as a bandage display case.

Ah, who am I kidding?

Later, dudes.

From a young and proud adolescent,
who now definitely needs an anti-depressant,
’cause his skin is bright red, almost iridescent,
and for now has become a convelescent.
Dr. Crankenfuss

Wanna do damage to your heart?/ Get in a line at Costco with three things in your cart.

Post #169 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, we’re at the local Costco, okay. Great store overall! Where else can I buy a like a 60-pound bag of chocolate bars for the price of a 3-pound bag in a regular grocery store? And their $5 roasted-on-a-spit chickens are bigger than most turkeys. Okay, I exaggerate, but they really are big. But they have one problem that’s even bigger than their roasted chickens (or those bags of chocolate).

See, I was there with my mom — seeing as how I don’t exactly drive yet — and we only had about three items in our cart, including that chicken and not including that bag of chocolate I was begging for. And we get to the cash registers and here the problem begins.

The lines were H-U-G-E!! And even though we only had three freakin’ things in our cart, it still took us like 15 minutes to get through the line. Not fair, y’all.

Why isn't there an express lane at Costco or Sam's? I ask you, people?
Why isn’t there an express lane at Costco or Sam’s? I ask you, people?

Oy!! Look at that monster cart to the left of the picture. That’s about a month’s worth of food. And that was ahead of us! A-y-y-y!

And yes, I went to the supervisor’s desk or whatever it’s called and asked (really politely at first) why they didn’t have an express line and they gave the same old line they gave me last time — that other people had asked the same question and that they had told the higher-ups at their headquarters, but there was nothing they could do about it. In fact, the lady told me that it wouldn’t be fair for someone with fewer items to get ahead because this way everybody was dealt with “in order.”

Huh? What could be so hard about doing something that every grocery store has figured out? Hey, I saw one guy there with ONE THING in his cart — a 20 roll container of toilet paper — man, he must have been in some trouble — and he had to wait just like all of us. I bet he didn’t even make it to his bathroom in time.

And for those of you out there who thinks SAM’S has a better system, THEY DON’T. So come on, you giant warehouse retailers. Give your customers who don’t need a truck full of stuff a chance to get through the lines faster. P-L-E-A-S-E!!

Just a simple request
that I’ve already discussed,
An idea whose time has come
from Dr. Crankenfuss