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CHICKEN NUGGETS?? FUGGEDABOUTIT!!

Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

I don’t mind tellin’ you. I love those chicken nuggets. Don’t matter which place they come from: Bojangles, McDonalds, Burger King, wherever, whatever, they’re good! Until now. It seems this science professor down in Mississippi analyzed those little boogers from two “major chains” (he didn’t say which ones) and found out some info I could have done without. Here’s my reaction. In a poem, natch.

WITH THESE CHICKEN BITS
I SHOULD CALL IT QUITS
by Dr. Crankenfuss

When I’m watching TV or just hanging out
And I wanna have a party in my mouth,
There ain’t a snack quite as kickin’
As a pack of nuggets made from chicken.

I settle in and take a bite;
Those chicken morsels are out of sight.
I hope I don’t sound like a big, fat lummox
But those things are phat for tongues and stomachs.

So now I read some doc’s analysis
That gave my gut instant paralysis.
He found what’s in a nugget of chicken.
Ain’t much better than an average nose pickin’.

There WAS some meat, Whew!
But lots of other stuff too
Like fat and gristle,
An occasional blood vessel,
Nerves and dead skin.
Are you still listenin?
I could have read more
But my stomach was too sore.

So after all the facts I’ve just cited,
Here’s what I’ve seriously decided:
There should be some parts of a chicken
That on my plate should be forbidden.
I shouldn’t be afraid I’ll kick the bucket
From chowin’ down on a chicken nugget.
So I think those chains really should
Not make those things taste so good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

My New Music Video Is At YouTube — NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME

drcrankenfuss-happy-260x300Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

First things first. You can see my new rap video — I’M GONNA BE A HIP HOP STAR — by clicking here. Be sure to put it on full screen ’cause Daniel got the HD part working great.

Now check out that title at the top of this post. Amazing, isn’t it? No, not that I have a new rap video online. Hey, there’ll be more of those comin’ for sure. Nah, it’s the second part of the title that’s so amazing. I’m totally satisfied with it. No joke! Hey, even my picture (at the left) is different. See that smile on my face? Okay, so I have a hard time smiling. It’s not easy for a grouch like me to get all slappy-happy, okay. But I’m working on it.

Major props to Daniel for his work on this video. Couldn’t have done it without you, DB. Actually, I probably couldn’t have done any of it. I guess I’m sorry for pushing you so hard on this, bro, but hey, it’s my star vehicle, ya know. It was kind of hard for me to stay all cool and laid back about it. I hate to admit it, but I’m just a little bit self-centered. But a lot of you have figured that out already, haven’t you?

Except for the video, not much to say today. That’s ’cause I gotta get back to working on my book. Yeah, that’s right — A BOOK! Right now, I’m thinking the title should be DR. CRANKENFUSS IS TICKED OFF AND HE AIN’T TAKIN’ IT NO MORE! but who knows, I may end up having one of my bango-smasho brainstorms and it’ll change. It will have some of my posts — the best ones, of course — and a bunch of jokes and cartoons Daniel and I are working on. I’m thinking a month should be enough, but as long as we get it out by mid December, I’m fine with that.

Actually, that’s it. Not much humor today, but hey, I’ve been kind of tied up. Okay, how’s this for something not about me?

You know those”World’s Strongest Man” contests on TV. Well I have an event that would be a killer for those guys: Prying apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.

There you go. Now I can still officially call this another humor post.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Lance the Collie Ain’t Feelin’ Too Jolly

Lance_with_hair_on_porchHumor Post #118 from the Blog of The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Middle School Curmudgeon, Dr. Crankenfuss
—————————————————
No, this ain’t Dr. Crankenfuss at the left, guys. It’s Lance the Collie and he wanted to have his say, so I gave him this post. He needs your help bad. You tell ’em, Lance.

***************************************************
Okay, here goes. Hey, my name is Lance Berenson and I live with Daniel. Many would call him my “owner” but as Dr. Crankenfuss would probably say, “I beg to differ.” He’s more like my enemy, at least right now. Read my poem and see who’s right and who’s wrong.

IT’S AIN’T FAIR, DAGNABBIT!
IT’S A NATURAL DOG HABIT!
by Lance the Collie

I got for you a shaggy dog story.
See me up there in my canine glory?
But I’ve been brought low and I ain’t to blame,
I’ve been saddled up with “The Cone of Shame.”

Lance_with_hair_on_porch
Do I look happy? My answer is NOT!
I’m lookin’ real stupid and my freedom’s shot,
I’m getting whacked by chairs and doors,
I’m writin’ APS; can’t take it no more.

Daniel tells me it’s for my health,
But all I was doin’ was lickin’ myself,
So I get hot spots and I’m a bit sore,
I can deal with that; I’ll just lick some more.

But Daniel carted me off to the vet
Who said this dumb coller’d be the end of it.
But it’s not right: life’s not the same,
I’m sulkin’ in the corner with my “Cone of Shame.”
Lance_with_hair_on_porch

I didn’t do nothin’; I was totally framed.
Help me get out of this “Cone of Shame.”

from Lance the Collie (who even appeared on YouTube here with my pal Rex and here doing a magic trick.)

Please leave your comments below. Maybe Daniel will listen. I doubt it, but I can pray for a miracle.

CRANKENFUSS’S GOT A WARNING AND IT’S ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

Humor Post #106 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Okay, it’s been maybe a couple weeks since I gave y’all one of my die-no-might poems. Many of you know — and the rest of the world should know — that I’m pretty decent when it comes to puttin’ together a poem, be it a rap or something a bit more regular. I have a hard time keeping them apart myself. I’ll let you judge what kind this one is. Just judge that it’s awesome, okay? And dudes, while you’re at it,
Go spread da word/ ‘Bout dis rare cranky bird/ He speaks da truth/ To all bangin’ youth./He knows where it’s at/Ain’t no doubt o’ that/ He soars da highest/ Cause he’s da flyest.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING
by Dr. Crankenfuss

The Earth is heatin’ up
The temps make record highs
The ocean’s much too warm
That leads to rising tides

The tides rush into streets
Buildings wash away
Peeps build sandbag walls
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach peeps got lots o’ problems
They want the Gov to cure ’em
The Gov ain’t got the answers
I’m glad I live in Durham

Our altitude’s 400 feet
Plenty high enough, that’s true
But if things start acceleratin’
I’ll have an ocean view

No way I’m stickin’ around
I’m puttin’ my theory to the test
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest

If she won’t go for that
There’s only one way to stay afloat
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Convertin’ our house to a boat

So that’s it for now, all your freaky dudes out there.
Here’s to rappin’ our way to da stars.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

What’s ahead for Dr. Crankenfuss?

Humor Post #104 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

I been thinking about heads lately. Why? Cause someone at school called me a chowderhead. I couldn’t come up with anything clever to come back with so I went home and checked out all the -head insults. It’s a pretty pitiful selection from what I’ve been able to find. Here are some of the better known ones:
blockhead — bighead– bonehead — chucklehead — dumbhead — dunderhead — fathead — hardhead — knucklehead — lunkhead — pinhead — meathead — airhead — egghead

Then of course there are all the ones that have a body part in front of the word head. And I’m not talking about calling someone an armhead or a backhead. (Though there IS a forehead, isn’t there?) It’s usually an uglier or nastier body part than an arm or back. The only one I feel comfortable using here is butthead. I think you can come up with some others. But if you use them on your parents or teachers, don’t try to blame me!

But it seems to me like you can put just about anything in front of head, can’t you? Why was I able to find only a couple hundred “___head” words on official lists. I mean almost any animal will do as an insult. Try calling someone a platypus head and see if you don’t get a reaction. Or a penguin head. How about a woodpecker head (uh-oh, double meaning there). Even if you pick an animal most people like, put it in front of head and it doesn’t sound so nice, does it, poodlehead?

Anyway, someday I might have to compile The Book of Heads. I don’t think it’s been done yet. I could have zillions of cool insults and some very cool visuals, but also I could ask some questions that would really make people think.

For example,
*Why do we call someone a redhead when almost always their hair is kind of orange? But you never hear of an orangehead. Maybe that’s because when you spell it out, it looks like you’re saying that person looks like an orangutan.
**As long as we’re on redheads, why don’t you ever hear of a yellowhead or a brownhead or a blackhead? Well, that last one you do, but that’s not talking about hair, is it?
***Why is bonehead considered an insult? Would you prefer the alternative? Hey, gristlehead! Yeah, that sounds real nice. I mean, if you go into a crowded room and say, “Hey, bonehead,” shouldn’t everyone in the room say, “Yes?”
****And what about hardheaded? That means stubborn. But who wouldn’t want to be hardheaded? Would you rather be mooshyheaded?
*****If an egghead gets confused, does he become a scrambled egghead?
******Why isn’t beautifulhead a compliment?

Oh, this could be a very long book.

Well, I’m going to quit now. I’ve got so many ideas for The Book of Heads, my head is spinning. (There’s a totally new one — spinninghead.) Let me start getting a proposal together to submit to some publishers. I’m sure a couple of them will see the amazing possibilities here.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss