Tag Archives: YA

Poetry schools give you ain’t no fun./Here’s the fix for everyone!

Post #147 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger–

Okay, today I’m gonna give you a quiz and I don’t think you’ll pass it. Ready?

At school you might see some people carrying around The Hunger Games, right? Or some will have a Wimpy Kid book. (And yes, I know they’re easier.) But for the gajillion dollar prize, name a poetry book that you often see students carrying around or talking about.

Well…  I’m waiting for you to say something.

You can’t think of one, can you?

Well, there’s one that might soon be the answer to that question.
VOICES: Poems for Performance

Over 50 young poets tell their stories in verse, every poem illustrated, and all ready to be performed, either in front of an audience or on video. There’s no other book like it. Check out the intro and meet some of the poets at the VOICES page on this site. You can hit the VOICES button up top or click here to go to it. The book’s coming to Amazon, Apple, Kobo, and Nook on Tuesday, December 2.

Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. Just check that page out and you’ll see. I mean this must be good, because I’m not even talking about myself today. I’m giving publicity to Daniel and he and I don’t always like to share the stage. Well, actually I don’t ever like to give it to him, but here he deserves it.

’nuff said. Get ready to become an actor.

From the Dude with the ‘Tude
Who’s now stepping back
To become a flak
For Daniel’s poetic smack.

Is it Xbox One or PlayStation 4? Which one should I ask for?

Humor Post #128 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m going to tell you a story. It’s how I tried to get either an Xbox One or a PlayStation 4. They both seem kind of awesome so I’d be satisfied with either one. Maybe my mom will go along, I thought. After all, I AM her only son. And it IS holiday time. Wouldn’t a mom want to please her only son?

What happened is detailed below. In all its gory details.

WHICH PRESENT DO I DESERVE TO GET?
I’M SURE MY MOM WILL BE FINE WITH IT
by Dr. Crankenfuss

In case you haven’t noticed
There’s a world wide war
It’s the forces of the Xbox
Vs. PS 4

It’s hard to stay cool
Or reach your gaming goals
When all you got goin’
Is an old console

You can’t miss those ads
They’re on all the sports
Makes me kinda feel like
My life is falling short

Don’t wanna be out the loop
Don’t wanna be out of touch
But why’d they have to make
Those darned things cost so much?

I told my mom I love her
But I’d love her even more.
If she would just shell out
For a PlayStation 4

She didn’t appreciate my comments
So I promised to sacrifice
“I won’t complain anymore,” I said.
“I promise to be nice.”

That made her start to laugh so hard
She held her sides in pain
I knew my case was hopeless
I didn’t ask again

But I learned a valuable lesson
Don’t talk too much smack
Don’t make promises you can’t keep
You’ll give your mom a heart attack

I decided I shouldn’t be greedy
And not ask for too much
I’ll just concentrate on moving up levels
In the free app — Candy Crush

From Your Dude with the Selfish ‘Tude (who learned his lesson),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Between football and baseball, football’s #1 and baseball’s #8 or so.

Humor Post #126 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Yo, peeps. If you’re watching the baseball playoffs, you’re probably watching some great baseball. You and about fifty people around the world.

Yeah, I’m exaggerizing. Millions do watch, but very few millions. Now me, I like baseball. This year I’m for the Pirates. Or Cleveland. Or Oakland. Or anybody else who doesn’t win the World Series too often. (Or ever.) Or I cheer for some team whose city is often put down. Hey, it’s easy to root for teams who usually win and who can afford to spend $25 million for one crummy player — see NY Yankees and one Alex Rodriguez — or for cities that have big tourist business, but to me it’s much more exciting to see underdogs win. I mean, who plans a vacation trip to Cleveland or Detroit?

So what do I mean by that oh so mysterious title of mine? Well, I’ll explain. I was online reading ESPN — my favorite news site — and I clicked on MLB (for Major League Baseball) to see what time different playoff games were on. But what I found out was how little interest there is even in teams’ home towns. For example, tonight Tampa Bay is playing Cleveland. At Cleveland. As you may know, Cleveland has had some pitiful press lately, what with that guy imprisoning those women for ten years and so on. You’d think they’d be going crazy over their team. But this morning there were still over 800 tickets still available for the game. (If you don’t believe me, go to this page and check it out for yourself.

HUH? They can’t even fill up their own stadium for a playoff game? Why am I using my (incredibly valuable) time to watch something that can’t even sell out where it happens.

It gets worse. There are 4-5,000 seats available for most all the games through the weekend. And Monday and Tuesday, the Dodgers and Detroit have around 10,000 tickets unsold! Those little guys (the tickets, not the players) are probably sitting around hoping someone will adopt them or else they’ll get tossed into the garbage like… well, like garbage. LA has like 10 million people or somewhere around that and they can’t sell out their ballpark? Please! Aren’t these the most important games of the year?

I don’t think football has this problem. People go crazy over the pro playoffs. Heck, on Saturday afternoons, even college games don’t have any trouble selling out. I think it’s Michigan that packs in like 108,000 people for their home games. 108 thousand?? They probably have to pass out oxygen masks for the people sitting in the top rows. They should at least provide telescopes.

Compared to football, baseball doesn’t cut it in fan support. Point made. Game, set, and match to Dr. Crankenfuss. Baseball, make yourselves more relevant or you might lose probably your most important fan. That would be me, of course.

From your dude with the ‘tude,
The sports-loving Dr. Crankenfuss

Want to Get Rich/ Without a Glitch?/ It’s a Matter of Which/ Wagon to Hitch

Humor Post #122 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m not going to be honest! Yeah, you heard me. Mr. Straight Talker is going crooked. Here’s why.

I was thinking of some clever way to tell people how to get rich and put it in one of my crazy raps, you know? I was due for a good rap. But all I could think of was to work hard and do what you’re told and stuff like that. What’s the fun in telling people that? They can get that junk from their parents or their teachers. So I let my imagination go and this is what I came up with. I don’t really think it’s great advice, but it’s a great rap and that’s what really counts.

So anyway, here’s my poem.

HOW TO GET RICH (THE EASY WAY)
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Say, you got money on the brain?
Wanna make so much, you’ll go insane?
Parents try to steer you to medicine or law,
But those salaries don’t leave me in awe.
Their pay don’t come close to approachin’
The Benjamins earned in basketball coachin’.
Coach K takes in near 11 mill;
His kids’ path in life is hardly uphill.

But actors and athletes —
Their aim’s the same —
To entertain —
They make bigger bucks and they get uber fame.
But if you’re more private; don’t need the adulation,
Be the CEO of a big corporation.
Your take home pay will be hundreds of mills;
Makes it kinda easy to pay the light bill.

Want even more? (But this ain’t easy to fake.)
Move to Arabia. Become an oil sheik.

But even though all these plans are jivin’
They still take lots of work or connivin’.
I want something easier: coin without sweat;
Don’t want a long term nine-to-five permit.

So my plan to get everyone all hot on me?
Plunk my dollars down on the Powerball Lottery.
My chances ain’t great, but they’re probably better
Than all those schemes I’ve listed in this letter.
I’m not a hard worker and my grades usually suck
So I’m hitchin’ my wagon to Lady Luck.
So while you’re out there worryin’ ‘bout your next job placement,
I’ll be counting future winnings in my parents’ basement.

The End

See, it’s meant to be ironic. I don’t really believe you should count on winning the lottery to make a living. THAT’S DUMB! (That’s why I put in that last line.) My mom says the lottery is a tax on dumb people. I know what she means, but hey, somebody DOES win sometimes so they sure weren’t dumb.

Anyway, that’s all I got for you this time. Hope you liked the rhymes, at least. Maybe I could start a bunch of raps called Raps for Dumb People. (And don’t go telling me I’ve already done that!)

I’ll shut up now.

From Your Dude with a Screwy ‘Tude (but just for today, I hope),
Dr. Crankenfuss

What’s with the way we use forks and knives at the table? IT’S CRA-A-Z-Z-Y!

Humor Post #109 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Boy, do I have something amazingly important for you today. Okay, maybe it’s not that great, but it’s still pretty weird and weird is always good, especially when Dr. Crankenfuss explains how weirdly we live our lives.

“Oh, shut up, Crankenfuss, and get to the point,” many of you are saying.

All right, here it is. The way we use our eating utensils is kind of messed up. I’ll prove it to you. But first here’s a diagram of a table setting I took from CollageMama’s Hearty Breakfast Blog. I hope CollageMama’s okay with me borrowing it.
typical place setting
The more I look at this diagram though, I have to say I’m not very confident of the intellectual skills of Collage Mama’s audience. Why did she feel it necessary to actually label the parts? (I’m surprised she didn’t put “picture” out to the right with an arrow to the illustration.) Looks fairly simple, doesn’t it? So say I have a plate piled high with something gooey, like a bunch of mashed potatoes I’ve carved into a Vesuvius-like exploding volcano. The second I reach my right hand — I’m right handed — across the table to that fork on the left, there’s at least a decent chance I’m going to get mashed potatoes (no doubt with gravy because that would be the lava part) on my sleeve. Sure, I can sit way back from the table to avoid that mess up, but hey, I’m a sit-near-my-food kind of guy.

That’s just the first problem with the place setting. Now, say I have a nice big juicy steak on that plate there. I’m not going to put the whole steak in my mouth at once. (Well, actually I tried that one time — as a joke, you know — but I got sent to my room and ended up with exactly ZERO of that scrumptious hunk of meat. Never again.) No, I’m going to cut that steak up into pieces. No problem so far. I reach out and take the fork in my left hand to pin the sucker to the plate (just in case it’s still moving), then use my knife with my right hand — sharp side down for better results — and cut the baby up.

Here comes the ol’ bugaboo. How’m I gonna get that piece of steak into the ol’ pie hole? I put my food in my mouth with my RIGHT HAND. Well, I have to put the knife down, switch the fork to my right hand and then stick that mama and insert it into my mouth. What a pain! I’m risking another sleeve incident and meanwhile the meat is getting colder by the second. Why can’t I just keep the fork in my left hand and put the meat into my mouth from the left? Makes great sense, doesn’t it? But almost nobody does it that way. Unless you’re from England, of course. That’s the way they ALWAYS do it. They just sit there, calm as you can be, cutting their meat with aplomb — ooh, there’s a new word for you, or for some of you anyway — See, I like it cause you can make a rhyme out of it:

I was sitting at the table,
All happy and calm,
Eating my steak
With apt aplomb.

Well, now I’m so pleased with my little rap there, I’ve lost track where I was. Oh yeah, then those English dudes DON’T HAVE TO SWITCH HANDS, POSSIBLY HAVING SOME SORT OF DISASTROUS COLLISION BETWEEN KNIFE, FORK, AND FINGERS. They just insert their meat in a neat little feat.

Just sayin’, folks. Maybe they should have another of my often-suggested Congressional Committees on this potentially dangerous situation. There are many fingers (and groded up sleeves) that could be saved through this.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss