Humor Post #64 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Today I have a giant philosophical question for you. What’s the hardest thing in the world to do? Now, as most of you know, I love sports even though I’m not so hot at them. But hey, if you can’t be a star, you can always be good at watching them on TV while you chow down on pork rinds and doughnuts with powdered sugar (preferably not in the same mouthful).

Well, I found lots of debates on the web over what’s the hardest thing to do in sports. And I found a bunch of stuff that I have to admit would be a little out of my range. Hitting a fast ball from some moose throwing at 100 miles an hour always gets mentioned. And that WOULD be a hard assignment. Hey, you might think the ball was coming at your head. And you could be right! That teeny bit of worry might make you a little less successful at concentrating on your goal. But if you don’t mind possibly dying from a clop to your block, you might have a chance of hitting a pitch once in a blue moon, no? Just as two ants in the Superdome do have a remote chance of meeting at the 50 yard line, so you too have a chance of hitting a fast ball. Just keep swinging, anytime, all the time. You might get lucky. And lots of people HAVE hit a fast ball, haven’t they? They’re called good baseball players.

But here’s another list I’ve come up with that almost no one has done or can do. Yeah, it’s possible in theory, but then why do so few people do it?

1) Setting a pole vault world record. Sure, once a year or two, one person in the whole world does it. But most any “normal” person would rip their shoulder apart trying to pole vault. It would probably feel like holding a horse and then he saw some pretty mare he liked and he bolted while you’re still holding on. Goodbye, body part!

2) Landing a quadruple jump in ice skating in perfect form. First, almost no one can even do a quad. What, maybe five or ten people in the world? And how often do they land it perfectly? Uh, I’ll let you look it up. Naw, I think this would be harder than hitting a fast ball.

3) Winning the Tour de France without artificial help, like with steroids or blood doping or stuff I can’t even explain. Only one guy wins the thing every year so already you’re up to a 1 in 7 billion chance. The race is like 3,000 miles long and much of it is up, way up. And many, if not most, of the winners do it by cheating. And even the ones who don’t, lots of people think they do. Oh, this is one is tough!

4) Scoring 50 points on Kevin Garnett in 20 minutes. Just think of those razor elbows rewiring your grill. Yep, this one has never been done so it might definitely qualify. But if you use your tricky intelligence (like I often do), you could make it happen. You could score 50 on him in a video game like Moose Hockey or something. Yeah, that’s kind of cheating, but the job should have been better defined.

5) Throwing three no-hitters in a row in the Major Leagues. Hah! I came up with another one that’s never been done. This guy Johnny Vander Meer threw two straight no-hitters in 1938 (against the Boston Bees??? and the Brooklyn Dodgers). But three? Nevahh! So this might be the hardest one yet. But still maybe possible some how, some day, some way.

6). Being a mom. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a sport, at least not one usually covered on ESPN, but I had to bring it up because people always say, “Being a mom is the hardest job in the world.” Excuse me for being a sourpuss, but C’MON! Millions, maybe even billions of women seem to be able to do it (and still have time to watch “The View” and “Dr. Phil.”) Hey, for all I know, a few guys have done it. There’s that old movie called “Mr. Mom,” remember? Sorry, ladies, this one doesn’t even come close to the others I’ve listed and the ones coming up. Now if they said, “being a great mom,” that would narrow the field considerably. But they never say it that way. And so, Dr. Crankenfuss nixes that pick.

Okay, now let’s get serious. Here are three finalists from Dr. Crankenfuss that might be sports or they might not, but they’d sure be harder than anything mentioned so far. Ready?

1) Climbing Mount Everest while holding your breath. Even possible? No, no, and uh, no!

2) Winning the 100-meter butterfly at the Olympics while tied up with duct tape into a little ball in a sack. Reasons? The thing only comes around once every four years. You have to know how to swim the butterfly. You have to understand the metric system. You’re bunched up in a little sack. ‘Nuff said.

3) Turning inside out (while alive) with no one else’s help. Okay, it’s not exactly a sport, but it would be cool if someone could do this. Hey, I’d pay to see it.

And for my grand finale (and #1 out of all ten I’m putting on this blog post), here’s the most impossible thing in the whole world to do because no one’s ever done it and no one will  ever do it, I’m sure. FOLDING A FITTED SHEET SO IT LOOKS NICE AND NEAT. You think so? Try it, bub. Now try it again. It just never looks right, does it. Believe me, I’ve tried and I’m sure zillions of others have, probably even on other planets. No way, nowhere, no how, it’s a no go.

So even though I’ve given you the ultimate answer to this mind-shattering conundrum, feel free to offer your own second-best suggestion. I won’t laugh, I promise. Except at the dumb ones.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
Your Dude with the ‘Tude