Oh, Freaky Dudes like poetry. “Not me,” you say. “Poetry’s dull.” Yeah? Well, do you listen to music? Whether you’re in high school, middle school, or even elementary school, we’re sure you do. Is it hip hop? Rock ‘n’ roll? Country? Salsa? Any kind of music with singing? That’s poetry, kiddo! Maybe not like in your school book, but it’s poetry. And sometimes it’s really good poetry.
That’s why we are going to deliver you some of the wackest poetry you’ve seen in a while. To make it even easier, herewith — ooh, there’s a cool word — we will provide a Table of Contents. Some concept, huh? Just click on the poem and you will be transported magically to that work of art.
TABLE OF CONTENTS TO MIND-NUMBINGLY AWESOME POETRY
* A Revolutionary Way to Teaching Anatomy (That’s Pretty Revolting)
* The Crank Car Blues
* Don’t You Go Fool with This Old Dude or You’ll Be Spit Out, After Being Chewed
* The Freaky Dude Café
* Ever Wonder What that Green Underline Means? (Limerick #6)
* A Horse With No Game (Limerick #5)
* Lyin’ Will Get You in Trouble (Limerick #4)
* Gone with the Wind (Limerick #3)
* Dogs are Creatures of Habit(Limerick #2)
* Ode to Pizza (A Truly Romantic Poem)
* How to “Succeed” at End-of-Grade Testing(Limerick #1)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: HOW YOU CAN USE OUR POETRY
We retain all rights to our work, but you can still borrow it and use it, but only if you’re nice.
All we ask is that you always give credit to where you got the poems.
Keep Freaky Dude Books’ name on the poems and link to us on the Internet.
We (and especially Dr. Crankenfuss) would appreciate that a lot.
Thanks.
A REVOLUTIONARY WAY TO TEACH ANATOMY
(THAT’S PRETTY REVOLTING!)
by Dr. Crankenfuss of Freaky Dude Books
(Note to readers: First go and read this article I found.
Then the poem will make great sense.
But I warn you: the article is pretty gross.)
If you want a cool anatomy class
That’ll put you in awe
You can’t do much better
Than seeing the movie Saw.
It’s got lots of body parts,
And crimes against the law.
It’s kind of gross watching
Kids turned to cole slaw.
The teacher would get in trouble
But his punishment would be lame
‘Cause after one day of suspension
He can show you more of the same.
Most kids would probably hate it,
They’d barf their guts all out,
But horror fans would love it,
They’d scream and cheer and shout.
I don’t know about you
But if I get the chance
I’m sayin’ good-bye to my school
And moving to Paris, France.
From your Dude with the ‘Tude (and the totally sicko sense of humor),
Dr. Crankenfuss
Dr. Crankenfuss has always looked forward to owning a car.
Now, not so much.
by Dr. Crankenfuss
I always knew that I’d have a car.
Everyone does it; can’t be too hard.
School’s a drag so wheels the reward.
I wouldn’t complain, even with an Accord.
But now Mom says money’s runnin’ low.
I can have a car if I pay as I go.
Well, I got 4 years to get the dough.
But it looks like I won’t be playin’ no mo’.
Just read some info; it’s linked to here.
It knocked my car dreams clean out of gear.
Says an old Accord costs a mere
$5000 bucks EACH and EVERY YEAR!
There’s no way a kid can find so much moolah.
Car costs are way out of controlla.
What if I compromise, lower my goal-a?
It’s 500 less if I get a Corolla.
Ain’t no way I’m not gonna lose.
I’ll have to use a bike if I wanna cruise.
Looks like reality’s sure applying the screws
And that gives this boy the Crank Car Blues.
DON’T YOU GO FOOL WITH THIS OLD DUDE
OR YOU’LL BE SPIT OUT, AFTER BEING CHEWED
by Dr. Crankenfuss
There’s this man, aged 94.
He lives in the southwest desert.
He lifts such heavy loads
They can hardly be measured.
Okay, I lie a little,
But he bench pressed one eighty.
Any way you look at it,
That’s till pretty weighty.
Me, I’m a young smart aleck,
But muscles, I ain’t got many.
How much could I bench press?
In ounces? Maybe twenty.
Middle school can be tricky.
Stayin’ safe can be hard,
So I’m writing this dude to ask
If he’ll be my bodyguard.
I can see it all now:
Some bully will challenge me,
And my wing man, with one punch,
Will send him to infinity.
Being old is no picnic.
Some kids make fun of you.
The jokes can be pretty mean.
I’m sure I’ve told one or two.
But this is coming from a dude
Who can barely bench press zero.
Sy Perlis of Arizona:
Your are definitely my hero.
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THE FREAKY DUDE CAFÉ
by Daniel Berenson
Cigars from Cuba
Squirrels from Iran
Parboiled together
With lizards from Japan
Fried Russian Bear
And German kraut
With enough jalapeños
To freak you out
Octopus legs in yogurt
Chocolate covered flies
Today’s Blue Plate Special?
Roast camel thighs
It’s all here for you
Fresh every day
At the world’s greatest eatery
The Freaky Dude Café
Mold from Moldova
Bats from Botswana
Our portions are generous
Free seconds if you wanna
Get ready for a feast
It’s a party for your belly
May we suggest the toast
With cow’s barf jelly?
We got loads of choices
For every taste
We let nothing in nature
Go to waste
What’s today’s menu?
Who can say?
We dudes are running
A freaky café
With horse lips from Libya
And gizzards from Gabon
Our clients sometime wonder
What planet they’re on.
But don’t you go worry
Come spend the day
We’re the hottest thing going
The Freaky Dude Café
For a kickin’ adventure
You’ll never forget
Each thing you order
Is the freakiest yet
We’re rated Four Stars
We’re unforgettable
You might come in nervous
But you’ll leave glad and full
So make a resolution
Don’t go halfway
We’ll meet all your needs
At the Freaky Dude Café
Oh, c’mon,
Take a chance and visit
The Freaky Dude Café
Once you taste our food
You might never go away
Never ever ever!
Please note:
–Reservations recommended
–20% gratuity added for parties of six or more
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You like limericks? We hope so because there certainly are a few here. Enjoy.
EVER WONDER WHAT THAT GREEN UNDERLINE MEANS?
For a job, the young go-getter
Was bragging in his intro letter.
“My web skills are fine,
“My spelling’s divine,
“And my grammar, it can’t get no better.”
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There once was a horse with no clue.
Said there was nothing he couldn’t do
Till he went to Australia
And met epic failure
When he tried to buck a ‘roo.
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There once was guy named O’Hair
Said, “Nothing could give me a scare!”
Till he went on safari
And a lion made him sorry
By dining on his underwear.
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It was said by a guy named Muldoon
As he pooh-poohed a coming typhoon,
“No wind can beat me.”
And we’ll have to agree
Once we find where his parts have been strewn.
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An old city dog named Rylant
Said when moved to a tropical island,
“It’s a nice place to be,
But there’s nowhere to pee.
There’s not even ONE fire hydrant!”
Here’s a fancy schmanzy one, written just they did around the year 1600, but it’s about something we love.
ODE TO PIZZA
A Shakespearean Sonnet
By Daniel Berenson
My love for pizza be an awesome thing;
It guides my life from morning to the eve;
I shout thy praises; Oh, to thee I sing,
I duly swear thy side I’ll never leave.
I worship thy delish ingredients;
The cheese, the ‘shrooms, the beef, and much much more;
A day without thee causeth me to wince;
A lack of thee doth make my belly sore.
This shant go on; I dare not stay the same,
You must believe me, Mom, it always shows.
If I don’t leave, I fear I’ll go insane.
I’m leaving, Mom, to live at Domino’s.
Don’t weep. You’ll always know where ’tis I’ll be
Till Papa John giveth me the same for free.
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Click here to get the poem in PDF.
Click here to get a Teacher’s Guide for this poem.
Nothing fancy here. Just a silly limerick about standardized testing.
HOW TO “SUCCEED” AT END-OF-GRADE TESTING
There once was a student named Gore
Who said, “I don’t sweat tests no more.
I just stop my stressin’
And rely on my guessin’.
At least I’ll get one out of four.”