Humor Post #81 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

The many millions of people (and maybe some of the non-people) who read this blog know Dr. Crankenfuss likes sports,  especially the NFL this time of year.  And what’s a better way to work off 40,000 calories of Thanksgiving food than by parking your big tush in front of the TV and watching a great NFL game? Well that’s what the Crank was ready for last night. He watched some of the New England – NY Jets game. It was close — for one quarter, that is. Then New England scored 35 points in the second quarter — yeah, you read that right… 35 points! — and my interest went down just a bit. I mean, I like New England, but it was like watching hunters shooting baby deer. Gruesome. I fell asleep soon after the second half began.

So I looked up the write-up of the game at ESPN this morning and guess what I found. THE STATISTICS FOR THE GAME DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE! Well, most of them anyway.

“What does that ADHD barely-a-teenager know about football?” you’re probably saying. Okay, I’ll show you. The final score was New England 49 — Jets 19. A slaughter, right? But when I checked out the numbers at ESPN, what you see doesn’t show any kind of massacre. Look down a little on the right of the page and let’s peruse — ooh, another cool word I just learned — those stats.
First downs — Both teams had 25.
Total plays — Both teams had 67.
Total yards — 475 to 405 for New England
Total drives — 14 to 11 for New York
Passing — Brady of New England was 18 for 28, but Sanchez of NY was 26 for 36
Time of possession — 30 1/2 minutes for NY, 29 1/2 minutes for New England

You get what I’m sayin’, people? No way these stats show you how bad NY got their faces rubbed in it. Yes, they’re all true, but the most important stat by far is TURNOVERS: New York had 5 and New England had 1. And New England ran two fumbles back for touchdowns. So that “Time of possession” number a few lines up is kind of useless. Heck, in the second quarter, New England had the ball for only 2:14 and scored 35 points! Where can you find that it those oh-so-official stats? I’ll tell you. You can’t!

So Dr. Crankenfuss proposes a new statistic. RETURN YARDAGE. Not just for kickoff and punt returns. It will include all the yards a team gets from running back fumbles, interceptions, punts, and kickoffs, and that statistic will be part of the TOTAL YARDS number. (There are a few tweaks still needed, like how to take off for a guy’s No-No-Please-No! kickoff return from the end zone to the 10-yard line, or another super-key stat I’ll call BONEHEAD PLAYS, but no time here for all that.)

This new way of showing the truth will be called the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM. It’s still evolving, but at least when fans look at the numbers, it’ll be easy to see how New England beat the Jets by 30 points when so many of the old, stupid stats just don’t show it.

And yeah, I know fantasy football fanatics might already keep some of these stats. At least with the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM, the numbers will be easy to find.

Signing off. Peace out. Word! Uh, till next time, it’s
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss