Post #167 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

“There still has to be someone to stand up to the stupid stuff and people in the world, doesn’t there?” Yep, that’s a quote straight from my last post and once again, it didn’t take me long to find something that needs pointing out. This is kind of an itch that just keeps itching because these things have been annoying me for a long time. It’s the dumbicity of so many classic nursery rhymes. How do these things stay so popular?

Here’s a picture from an old nursery rhymes book. You can probably tell which one it is: “Hey, Diddle, Diddle.” In case you don’t quite understand this silly picture, I’ve labeled a bit of it for you. But there’s no reason to get into putting this poem down. That’s because I already did that — in gory detail — in my book DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS: VOLUME 2. In that book I also dissect “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep” and “Little Jack Horner.” And when I say dissect, I mean I cut ’em up, baby.

I destroy a a few other nursery rhymes in my first DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS, including “Humpty Dumpty” and “Rub-a-Dub-Dub” — ooh, that last one gets a particularly sharp blade.

But today I’m going to talk about “Pease Porridge Hot.” I found it in a book of rhymes that still (somehow) sits in my mom’s office. She says it brings back good memories of her and my childhoods. Gwah! I’m lucky I survived if this is what my mom was feeding me. I coulda died!

Okay, here it is, in case you don’t have it memorized.

Pease porridge hot,
Pease porridge cold.
Pease porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.

Some like it hot,
Some like it cold.
Some like it in the pot
Nine days old.

So first of all, Pease Porridge basically means Pea Soup. This thing was supposedly written in the 1700s so we can give it a pass on the spelling. Back then, that’s the way they did it, okay? But let’s look at what it SAYS!! Just look at that second verse. “Some like it… nine days old.” Whaaa?? Like who? I wonder. Someone who wants to get e-coli or norovirus, that’s what I say. Who’d leave out a pot of soup for nine days and then feed it to anyone, much less their wittle dahwing baby? And yes, it might be hard to see that it’s full of disease and death because mold is kind of the same color as pea soup, but c’mon, y’all. Cut me some slack here. NOBODY would think this was good nutrition advice for children. But that’s who is most affected by nursery rhymes. So all of you out there, please be careful not to follow any of the suggestions in this dangerous poem.

There. And when you save your little brother or sister (or yourself) from dying because of this nursery rhyme, you can write me and thank me. I don’t mind. I won’t even ask for any payment for my medical advice.

As always, just tryin’ to help,
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Who’s asking you, “Pretty please,
Stay away from rotten pease.”
Dr. Crankenfuss