Humor Post #50 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
Well, here’s part two of that much needed tirade against how we measure stuff. In this case, it’s time. Specifically, it’s the months of the year. This won’t take long. Just go back to the last post about the days of the week and I’m sure you’ll agree they could use some new cooler names. Now it’s time to show you 12 reasons or at least close to that many why we need new names for the months as well. Quickly, here’s a rundown of how all our months got their names. (Note: If you think they’re silly at the start, wait till you hit the last four stinkeroos. Unbelievable!)
January — named for Janus, the Roman god of beginnings. Not that bad, I guess, but no one’s believed in this guy for a couple millennia.
February — apparently, this was named for Februa, some ancient festival they had in Rome. C’mon, ask anyone in the world the last time they celebrated Februa. . . Find anyone who has? I didn’t think so.
March — named for someone at least I’ve heard of. It’s Mars, the Roman god of war. Yeah, that’s great: a month named for war. And where’s the month named for peace? Nowhere, that’s where.
April — Well, maybe this is the antidote to Mars. A couple places I looked up says this is named for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. Kind of a stretch, but if true, very nice, I’m sure, but who in the world knows that? What good is a cool month like Love Month if no one knows when it is? I bet if you asked people they’d say February was Love Month because of Valentine’s Day.
May — Another one nobody ever heard of, unless you’ve heard of Maia or Maiesta. For me it would be better if it was named for “May I have a big helping of pizza?”
June — for Juno, wife of Jupiter. ‘Nuff said.
July — for Julius Caesar, that guy who got himself stabbed to death in the middle of Rome back before Jesus was born. At least he got to have an affair with Cleopatra before he took that dirt nap.
August — for Augustus Caesar, another Roman leader who came in the first century. Does anyone see a certain influence a certain city has over all our American months? Why do we still let the Romans tell us how to tell time?
September — Here it gets even dumber, if that’s possible. September comes from septem, the Latin word for seven because it was the seventh month way way back. HUH? And October comes from the Latin word for 8, November comes from the word for 9, and December comes from the word that meant 10. Oh, I get it. Our name for the ninth month is THE SEVENTH MONTH, our name for the tenth month is THE EIGHTH MONTH, and so on.
People, when is the world going to wake up? This is pure silliness. Why can’t we take control of our own lives? It’s not like the Roman gods are going to come back and attack us or anything if we create some new better names. And even if they did, boy, would that ever be exciting. I’d be watching CNN 24/7. I bet those ancient washed-up dudes would never be able to beat our smart bombs, lasers, and radioactive poop blasters. (Admission: I made that last one up, but it sounds like a good weapon to me.)
So once again, please listen to Crankenfuss and let’s get someone started on fixing our ways of measuring time. Just be sure to give me credit when the world catches up to my modern way of thinking.
from Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss