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Dr. Crankenfuss fixes one of the most famous nursery rhymes in the world

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Post #168 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Okay, I’m still a bit steamed from looking over a bunch of nursery rhymes that somehow have been around for hundreds of years and no one has the guts to say, “These things are kind of stupid, don’t you think?” Well no one, that is, until Dr. Crankenfuss came along. In my last post I tore up “Pease Porridge Hot” so bad I don’t know if it’ll ever recover. Besides that, I sent an email to the Center of Disease Control in Atlanta to tell them how dangerous this poem was for little children’s health (or for adults, if they’re still getting off on nursery rhymes). But so far they haven’t written back. I’m still waiting though.

Now here’s another one, maybe in the top five of all time. And I admit, it’s nowhere near as dangerous as the last one. Actually it’s not dangerous at all. And I also admit I’m being kind of picky with this one. But I don’t care. It still needs fixing and you’ll see why. It’s a cute little thing that teaches little kiddies how to count to ten and it’s called ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE. “I know that one, Crankenfuss, ” you’re probably saying. “What’s the matter with that one?” Well, it’s just that it bugs me how the author just came up with any old line at the end that would rhyme so the poem would be done with. And no one’s ever bothered to fix it, even though it would be easy. Here, let me show you what I mean.

ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE

All pictures from A BOOK OF NURSERY RHYMES by Clara Atwood (1901).
All pictures from A BOOK OF NURSERY RHYMES by Clara Atwood (1901).

Let’s start off with the first two lines. (I bet you’ve already figured them out.) “One, two, buckle my shoe.” Yes, I agree it’s a nice little rhyme. It has a couple numbers and then an action that is recommended. I got no problem with that.

 

 

 

Thanks to Clara for drawing these so long ago, they're now in the public domain.
Thanks to Clara for drawing these so long ago, they’re now in the public domain.

“Three, four, shut the door.” Yes, two more numbers and a recommended action. See, that old-fashioned dude is doing just what he’s told. (BTW, nice clothes, kid! Man, I’m glad we don’t dress like that anymore. If I wore that to school, I’m sure I’d be laughed right out into the street, if not farther. Can you say, “newest victim of bullying”?)

 

 

 

 

Source for all images - Wikimedia Commons.
Source for all images – Wikimedia Commons.

 

“Five, six, pick up sticks.” Still no complaint here. Numbers, then an action.

 

 

 

lay_them_straight_164X168“Seven, eight, lay them straight.” You’re seeing a definite pattern here, aren’t you? So obviously the last one will follow this same pattern, won’t it? Of course it will.

 

 

hen_164X168WRONG!! It’s “Nine, ten, a big fat hen.” Scuse me?? Yeah, it’s got the numbers and there’s a rhyme, but where’s the action? It’s like the writer just said, “Hey, nobody’ll care if I can’t think of an action for this one. I’ll just stick in something that’ll rhyme. I mean, it’s just for dumb little kids who can’t even count. What’ll they care?” The writer might as well have put, “A ten-foot pen” or “Three wise men” or “Your own play pen.” That nursery rhyme genius JUST DIDN’T CARE!

Well, it’s obvious that nobody else has cared for hundreds of years, neither little kids — but I forgive them because what do they know? — or their parents, but that doesn’t keep ol’ Crankenfuss from pointing out that this is pure, sloppy, lazy writing. How hard could it be to come up with an action that rhymes with “ten”? Hey, I have the perfect one: “Nine, ten, Let’s do it again.” See, that makes the whole thing circular. It takes you back to the beginning and that little cutie pie will keep repeating and repeating and repeating — oh, you get the picture — until those ten numbers are fused into her little brain (or his, of course).

Can you think of a more perfect last line?

It’s like that “Pete and Repeat”joke that ends with the word “Repeat” so the teller has to repeat the thing over and over. And yeah, I know it’s dumb, but it DOES make sense and little kids love it. And they’ll like the Crankenfuss version of “One, Two, Buckle my Shoe” better as well for the same reason. It just makes sense.

I learned at school that Robert Kennedy, President Kennedy’s brother once said, “There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”

Yes, I think Robert Kennedy would think Dr. Crankenfuss would fit into that important second category. ‘Cause that’s what I do, ya know?

From a guy who should have been around way back when
nursery rhymes were being created. That way, millions
of little children would be better off.

Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

A nursery rhyme so bad, it can kill you!

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Post #167 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

“There still has to be someone to stand up to the stupid stuff and people in the world, doesn’t there?” Yep, that’s a quote straight from my last post and once again, it didn’t take me long to find something that needs pointing out. This is kind of an itch that just keeps itching because these things have been annoying me for a long time. It’s the dumbicity of so many classic nursery rhymes. How do these things stay so popular?

Yes, it's well drawn, but pretty rediculous. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)
Yes, it’s well drawn, but pretty rediculous. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

Here’s a picture from an old nursery rhymes book. You can probably tell which one it is: “Hey, Diddle, Diddle.” In case you don’t quite understand this silly picture, I’ve labeled a bit of it for you. But there’s no reason to get into putting this poem down. That’s because I already did that — in gory detail — in my book DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS: VOLUME 2. In that book I also dissect “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep” and “Little Jack Horner.” And when I say dissect, I mean I cut ’em up, baby.

I destroy a a few other nursery rhymes in my first DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS, including “Humpty Dumpty” and “Rub-a-Dub-Dub” — ooh, that last one gets a particularly sharp blade.

But today I’m going to talk about “Pease Porridge Hot.” I found it in a book of rhymes that still (somehow) sits in my mom’s office. She says it brings back good memories of her and my childhoods. Gwah! I’m lucky I survived if this is what my mom was feeding me. I coulda died!

Okay, here it is, in case you don’t have it memorized.

Please, please, don't give me these pease. (Drawing by me -- that would be Dr. Crankenfuss.
Please, please, don’t give me these pease. (Drawing by me — that would be Dr. Crankenfuss.)

Pease porridge hot,
Pease porridge cold.
Pease porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.

Some like it hot,
Some like it cold.
Some like it in the pot
Nine days old.

 

So first of all, Pease Porridge basically means Pea Soup. This thing was supposedly written in the 1700s so we can give it a pass on the spelling. Back then, that’s the way they did it, okay? But let’s look at what it SAYS!! Just look at that second verse. “Some like it… nine days old.” Whaaa?? Like who? I wonder. Someone who wants to get e-coli or norovirus, that’s what I say. Who’d leave out a pot of soup for nine days and then feed it to anyone, much less their wittle dahwing baby? And yes, it might be hard to see that it’s full of disease and death because mold is kind of the same color as pea soup, but c’mon, y’all. Cut me some slack here. NOBODY would think this was good nutrition advice for children. But that’s who is most affected by nursery rhymes. So all of you out there, please be careful not to follow any of the suggestions in this dangerous poem.

There. And when you save your little brother or sister (or yourself) from dying because of this nursery rhyme, you can write me and thank me. I don’t mind. I won’t even ask for any payment for my medical advice.

As always, just tryin’ to help,
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Who’s asking you, “Pretty please,
Stay away from rotten pease.”
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

How can nursery rhymes be so famous when they’re so stupid?

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Humor Post #49 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

All right, it’s time for another in my series of “Who Made Up All Those Stupid Nursery Rhymes?” I was at the library the other day and there was a book of nursery rhymes out on a table. So curious student and historian that I am, I looked through it. Lucky I hadn’t had my lunch yet or I would have had to pay for a barfed on library book. How do these things stay famous (and popular??) for so long? Hasn’t any parent ever bothered to read these things to see if they make any sense? If this is all it takes to go down in history, my gym socks should be in all the textbooks. They definitely have the main requirement. They STINK!!

Now I’m not saying all nursery rhymes are that bad. Let’s look at Baa, Baa, Black Sheep, for example.

Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full.
One for the master
and one for the dame.
And one for the little boy
who lives down the lane.

Now this isn’t exactly The Hunger Games, but it’s not that bad (if you’re around four years old, that is). Someone asks a sheep a reasonable question and the sheep gives a reasonable answer. And yes, I know sheep don’t talk, but hey, little kids might think they do especially after seeing all those cartoons on TV. And I’ll forgive the old-fashioned language because, hey, this poem is — how shall I put this? — old. It’s got a decent beat and the rhymes are decent. All in all, I give it 2 1/2 stars out of 4.

Okay, you ready for a venture into the land of dumbicity? Better get out the diarrhea medicine. Check out the next one, Hey Diddle Diddle:

Hey diddle, diddle.
The cat and the fiddle.
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such a sport
and the dish ran away with the spoon!

Excuse me?? This thing makes absolutely no sense. Okay, it starts with a cute sound. Nothing wrong with “Hey, diddle, diddle.” But the second line is there only because it rhymes with “diddle.” It’s not like anything happens to the cat and the fiddle. Shouldn’t it say, “The cat played the fiddle”? At least that would go with the line #3. See, two impossible things happen at the same time and that makes the dog laugh. But then the dish runs away with the spoon? Not logical, people. We’re all involved with these dumb animals and then here comes a dish running away with a spoon. Huh?

The best you could say about this poem is that it was written by a poet with severe ADD. I mean, nothing connects. I give it one star out of four. And that one star is mostly out of pity.

For one more super-stupid example, let’s peruse — ooh, I just learned that one — one of the most famous rhymes out there: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Twinkle, twinkle little star.
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high.
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
How I wonder what you are!

I got nothing against the beat or the rhymes in this magnificent masterpiece of literature. It’s just that the author is such a box of rocks! Not once, but TWICE, he — I assume it’s gotta be a guy, but who knows, I guess a lady could be this dumb — wonders what a star is. “How I wonder what you are.” It sounds like this dude (or dudette) has spent quite a bit of mental energy (like maybe 80% of their capacity) contemplating this great mystery.

Hello! Message to author: A star is a big, hot ball of flaming gas. Sort of like you, you science-challenged ignoramus. They taught me this like in the third grade. Maybe it was even the second. I know this poem wasn’t written by a kid. So where were you when your second grade teacher was teaching you this?

I can’t take this anymore. These things get world-famous and yours truly Dr. Crankenfuss can’t even get a private meeting with the President to let him know about how he could make our country better. I know cause I wrote the White House and all I got was a computerized reply with a picture of the President and the First Lady. And it must have been an old picture cause I saw him on TV the other night and his hair is a lot grayer than that now.

So that’s all for today. I gotta rest. Nursery rhymes can make a grown boy cry.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss