Post #162 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

You know, this is the time of the year that’s very hard for some of us. We have to come up with ideas for presents for people and it’s hard to think of something that doesn’t seem kind of “ordinary.” (And in my case, cheap.) I mean, my Mom will act all happy because I gave her a new pair of socks, but it’s hard to believe she’s going, “Oh, what a wonderful present from my adoring and appreciative son!” Well, she probably IS thinking kind of like that because she’s a mother and that’s the way they think, but c’mon — a pair of socks makes her happy? I don’t mind telling you that a pair of socks doesn’t make ME happy (unless they’re filled with money or something equally awesome).

But I do have an idea for those of you who want to buy a totally unique present, one that will be remembered and talked about for years, maybe forever. (You’ll probably end up buying it for yourself instead of for someone else. That’s how good it is!) Now I know it’s kind of late for Hannukah, but there’s still time for Christmas and if you don’t get it this year, you can put in your order for next year. And you better get your order in soon, ’cause these babies are going to fly out of the warehouse faster than a bunch of boys out of a room where one of them has just emitted an “anal volcano” (if you know what I mean).

So here it is. Tell me if you’ve ever seen or even thought of something this cool.

Yes, your eyes do not lie. This is a machine that can COUNTERFEIT PENNIES. Think of the many happy hours you’ll spend at the controls of this visionary masterpiece. All you have to do is put the zinc slugs into the machine and out pops as many pennies as you can count, right out of that slot just under the purple star-shaped controls. Think how amazed your friends will be to see you create money practically out of thin air (with the zinc slugs added, of course). You’ll feel as powerful as the United States Government. And yeah, I know some of you are probably thinking this is illegal, but hey, who’s it really going to hurt? Nobody, that’s who! And the pennies come out perfect so there will be no way to prove they’re not real. There are already like zillions of pennies out there so who’ll notice if there are a few thousand more?

(See, that’s where my real brilliance shows. If I counterfeited $100 bills, yeah, I’d more money at the beginning, but the FBI would be all over me like flies on dog poop as soon as some ratfink mentioned it to them. But it’s not worth their time to go after a penny counterfeiter, is it?)

“Okay, Crankfenfuss,” you’re probably saying. “This looks like a complicated machine. It can’t be cheap, can it?”

No it can’t. The price for this cutting-edge contraption is $10,000. And of course you have to buy a supply of zinc slugs and those will run you about a nickel each. But what’s money matter to someone who wants to be as cool and envied as you no doubt will be when you show off this Thomas Edison-type invention?

For those of you rarin’ to sign up, there is one disclaimer. These machines aren’t available yet because I’m still looking for financial backers and someone smart enough to show me how to make one of these. (The drawing above is just my plans for the thing.) But once they’re ready, I’ll put up another post with an order form and you can get READY TO RUMBLE. And oh yeah, I’m going to put a limit of two machines per customer and that’s only until my supply runs out, so you better be near the front of the line.

So next year will it be a box of chocolates or or maybe some flowers that’ll die within a week or will it be a machine that will catapult you to the peak of technological know-how?

The choice is yours.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Your mentor and inventor,
Dr. Crankenfuss