Humor Post #71 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
As I was saying… uh, yeah, it was about all those puddle-headed Olympic sports we have to suffer through in the next two weeks. First, let it not be said that Crankenfuss doesn’t appreciate the Olympics. Hey, any day with sports on a channel (here it’s NBC… obviously) all day long is better than a day filled with knuckle-dragging game shows where the audience is screaming, “Ask for a vowel, Ricky!” or “A $5,000,000 price is right for that new electric race car! Tell Drew that!”
But a whole bunch of these Olympic sports don’t exactly capture my full attention, ya know. And why is that? Cause I don’t pay any attention to them the rest of the year either. Just today I checked to see what’s on NBC for the day. Here you go: Starting at 10:00 AM, it’s… ya ready for this? Maybe you better sit down in case you get a bit woozy with anticipation.
Swimming,
Beach Volleyball,
Volleyball,
Water Polo,
Rowing,
Canoeing.
Hmm, let’s see. Swimming’s great, but after that I’m not exactly wetting my undies with excitement. Beach volleyball is cool, I admit, and anybody’s gotta appreciate — well, guys at least — a bunch of babes in skimpy little two piece bathing suits cavorting around in the sand? What’s not to like? But hey, c’mon, don’t you think that’s exactly the reason the Olympic guys added beach volleyball? I mean, how popular a sport is it? Uh, outside California and Florida (and Hawaii?), probably not very. But girls going wild in bikinis? “Hoo boy, the Olympics are right there, baby! Gonna sell a lot of beer and car ads with stuff like that, aren’t we?” the GIC’s (Guys in Charge) crow to each other as they high-five each other.
And not to be to big a party pooper on volleyball — well, okay, somebody’s gotta say it — the thing gets kinda gets boring after the first two hours or so. About 80% of the points go like this: 1) someone stops the incoming shot (sometimes with a great diving save) and bops it to guy/girl #2. Then #2 sets up #3 with a high, soft lob. And then of course, #3 spikes the @#$%^&@# out of the ball and the whole thing repeats itself. That’s it. Over and over and over for forever, it seems. I only need a couple games before I actually consider going outside and getting some exercise of my own.
Water polo? Where do I go to play that around here? Yeah, you got that right. Not a great number of youth teams to choose between, that’s for sure. How did this sport become Olympic worthy?
And finally for my day’s entertainment, we have rowing and canoeing. Oh, joy! Lemme see, which would I rather watch: basketball or rowing? Not a very tough decision. And how about this? In basketball, there are — count ’em — two gold medals, one for the men, one for the women. And for rowing/kayaking/canoeing, how many do you think they have? 5, 10, even 15? Wrong, wrong, and wrong. There are 30 events in those “sports.”
30???
So the Olympics are telling me if your country has the best women’s and men’s basketball teams in the world — and notice that I put women first. Hey, I’m a modern kind of dude — you can earn two gold medals. But if you really want to bring home the bacon, get everyone in your country rowing or kayaking or canoeing starting say at age two and you can have a great start at winning the whole Olympics. At last count, I believe 30 beats 2.
In fact, for a complete picture, here’s a page from Wikipedia, my always favorite source of info on the net, that shows how many medals come for ever sport:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_events
Study this page like I did and I think you’ll agree that here’s what you do to win the Olympics, baby!
You encourage everyone in your country to get good at one of these events:
rowing/kayaking/canoeing (30 events),
Judo (14 events),
and Shooting (15 events).
That’s 59 events in all, 177 medals in all (gold, silver, bronze). Hey, you have a great chance to be #1 in the whole wide world! Heck, even countries like Andorra and Luxembourg would have a fightin’ chance with a national program like the one I’m proposing. And while those rowing things might not be that attractive to every kid, especially the four or five year olds, ooh, judo and shooting… why, that’ll get most all the little guy dudes into trying to be Olympic champs.
And all thanks to Crankenfuss, your country can be #1 in the world!
Why haven’t our Presidential candidates talked about this? Just one more reason Dr. Crankenfuss should be a senior advisor to all sorts of people who want to succeed.
And to think all this comes to you for free.
What a great world we live in.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss