Help! It’s the end of the world! NOT!!

December 21, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #85 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

As many of you know, today (December 21, 2012) is the last day of our existence. The end of the world! Yep, that’s what a bunch of people have been yelling about since they heard about the Mayan calendar. Not that these people know squat about the Mayan calendar. Of course these same people — I use the term loosely — probably can’t tell you how to spell February, which is on our own calendar. They probably think the Mayan calendar was invented by Maya Rudolph from Saturday Night Live or somebody like that.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that they’re IDIOTS!! That’s with a capital exclamation mark! In fact anyone who predicts the end of the world with a specific date in mind is A IDIOT! (Grammar mistake intended.) Here’s how I know. The end of the world has been predicted so many times, it would be hard to count them. Guess what percentage of those predictions came true. That’s right — ZERO.

And do you think those people feel any shame at being stupid at predicting things? Naw, most of them just try to explain why they were off just by a bit and then they predict the next end of the world. How do they ever feel right about predicting anything again, including the date of their first decent idea, since they missed on the biggest bet of their lives?

So congratulations to all of you out there who try to figure out the exact date or year of the apocalypse! Dr. Crankenfuss has already figured out the exact day you became a knuckle-dragging poop-for-brains being. It was the day you were born.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Truckee, California? Really? Ooh, Ima make me some money!

December 9, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #84 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching the news the other night — Hey, don’t laugh. That’s how I keep on my intellectual toes — and they were talking about flooding problems they were having in this place called Truckee, California. And I was thinking — again, hey don’t laugh! — what kind of name is Truckee? Is it like there were a lot of guys with trucks who lived near each other and they wanted to start a town so they named it Truckee? Does that mean there’s another place named for cars?

And then it hit me.

(That reminds me of a joke I have to tell you. I can’t take credit for it but it’s the kind of joke I could’ve made up if only I’d thought of it. So here it is. I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.)

Anyway, back to the topic. What was it? Oh yeah, a city named for cars.

I live in Durham, NC. About 20 miles away there’s a town — actually it’s almost as big as Durham, so really it’s a city — called Cary (pronounced like the girl’s name Carrie, you know, like that chick who went all postal when her classmates dumped pig blood on her and she was making knives zing through the air and everyone’s bodies and then her hand reached out of the grave and aw… just rent the thing, okay?). I never thought of it till now. Maybe when it started, it was named for cars. (It’s a pretty new city so that IS possible.) I mean, it’s a really well-off place. Nice and pretty. They don’t even have power poles and wires all over the place because they put them all underground. So I figure the average family there probably has three or four cars.

Ta dah!! Cary.

So now we have Truckee. We have Cary. What’s next — Vanny, Bussy, Hybridee, Hatchbackee, Trainee, Planey? Hey, there is a Plano, Texas, isn’t there?

Anyway, here’s what Dr. Crankenfuss is doing for the next few hours. Dr. Crankenfuss is gettin’ his butt over to GoDaddy and — if my Mom sees the genius of this idea — registering the names of every town he can think of that comes from a kind of transportation. Okay, I’m not going for Tricyclee, but there’s lots of possibilities. And when someone wants to start a new city with that idea, they’ll have to come to you-know-who so they can have a city website.

Wish me luck on convincing my mom? She’s not always so keen on my perfecto plans.

Anyone feel like moving to Hatchbackee? That’s my favorite so far.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

TWO EXPRESSIONS AND ONE WORD THAT STICK IN MY CRAW (BESIDES THAT ONE)

December 2, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #83 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows that Dr. Crankenfuss gets annoyed at a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean he’s wrong, does it? Here’s just three things I heard today that rub me the wrong way. (Which makes me think, What’s the right way to rub me? How about a nice massage by a beauticious babe? The wrong way? Maybe with 20 grit sandpaper or worse, with razors.

Anyway, back to other things we say that should be examined:

1. “It remains to be seen whether. . . “ I hear this on TV when supposedly smart people are talking about the future. Hello, supposedly smart person! Everything in the future remains to be seen! How does this phrase add to anything?

2. “That’s like comparing apples to oranges.” People say this when they mean that one thing is NOT like another and therefore you can’t consider them similar. Once again, HELLO! Apples and oranges are way more similar than they are different.They’re practically the same! They’re both fruits, they both are good for you, they both have seeds, they both show up in my lunch fairly regularly if my mom packs it, and neither one of them makes very good toilet paper even in an emergency. How about comparing apples to Uranus? Not much similar about them. Okay, they’re both round. And yes, the pun was intended. Okay then, here’s a better one: That’s like comparing apples to algebra. You like that better?

3. My mom looked out the window today and said, “What a downpour!” Of course, her wonderful son couldn’t let that go by without acting like the wise guy he is. “As opposed to what?” I said, “An up pour.” Ooh, I thought that was pretty good. She didn’t. That’s why I’m up here in my room writing this instead of watching football on TV.

Have a great rest of the weekend. I’m just trying to figure out how to get any kind of weekend now.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Holed up in his Man Cave,
Dr. Crankenfuss