Category Archives: Uncategorized

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

A woooden board has to lie? I ain’t lettin’ this one by.

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Post #142 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

When is a board not a board? I’m serious. This isn’t a little kids’ joke that can be answered with, “When it’s floating in the water next to the boat.” No, I mean a real board, like a 2×4 that is used in most any kind of house there is.

See, I have a friend who’s taking Shop—the kind where you go build stuff, not the one that teaches you how to behave at the mall—and he told me that a 2×4 is really only one and a half inches by three and a half inches. Huh? That’s a pretty big difference. Say you’re trying to fill a box with a bunch of boards—Don’t bother to ask why. Just go with me on this, okay?—and the box is a foot high, foot wide, and two feet from end to end. Like the box just below, okay.

wooden_gray_box1Nice looking box, eh? Anyway you get some two foot long 2×4’s. You’re good in math so you figure it will take three boards to go across the bottom (which would be a foot total since you multiply 3 X 4) and six boards from the bottom to the top (since 6 X 2 = 12). So that’s 18 boards in all, right?

WRONG! You would still have all this empty space left in the box. I don’t see how builders can work this way. Why isn’t a 2×4 a 2×4? It’s like they round up. Way up. Saying one and half inches is two inches is like adding 33% to it. It’s like those ice cream cartons that everyone calls half a gallon, but they’re way smaller than that. (So the companies can get more of your money without you thinking about it, see? Ooh, they ARE sneaky, aren’t they?)

Hey, if I use this strategy, it could really help me. Say I’m five feet tall. (I’m really taller, but I want the math to be easy.) I can just say, “Yo, dudes, I’m a massive six foot eight inches tall.” (33% extra). Wow, looks like I’m going out for basketball after all.

And if I go to a movie, I can just give the guy in the window $6 and tell him, “Hey, guy in the window, this may look like $6, but it’s really $8. So let me in, all right?”

Just trying to help out, ya’ know. That’s what I do, remember? Point out stuff that needs fixing. Which will make life better for all of us.

Talk to you soon, I hope.

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

CHICKEN NUGGETS?? FUGGEDABOUTIT!!

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Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

I don’t mind tellin’ you. I love those chicken nuggets. Don’t matter which place they come from: Bojangles, McDonalds, Burger King, wherever, whatever, they’re good! Until now. It seems this science professor down in Mississippi analyzed those little boogers from two “major chains” (he didn’t say which ones) and found out some info I could have done without. Here’s my reaction. In a poem, natch.

WITH THESE CHICKEN BITS
I SHOULD CALL IT QUITS
by Dr. Crankenfuss

When I’m watching TV or just hanging out
And I wanna have a party in my mouth,
There ain’t a snack quite as kickin’
As a pack of nuggets made from chicken.

I settle in and take a bite;
Those chicken morsels are out of sight.
I hope I don’t sound like a big, fat lummox
But those things are phat for tongues and stomachs.

So now I read some doc’s analysis
That gave my gut instant paralysis.
He found what’s in a nugget of chicken.
Ain’t much better than an average nose pickin’.

There WAS some meat, Whew!
But lots of other stuff too
Like fat and gristle,
An occasional blood vessel,
Nerves and dead skin.
Are you still listenin?
I could have read more
But my stomach was too sore.

So after all the facts I’ve just cited,
Here’s what I’ve seriously decided:
There should be some parts of a chicken
That on my plate should be forbidden.
I shouldn’t be afraid I’ll kick the bucket
From chowin’ down on a chicken nugget.
So I think those chains really should
Not make those things taste so good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

Daniel’s Got a New Book Video/ Guaranteed So Sick It’ll Make Your Mind Blow

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Humor Post #121 from The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Ooh, props are due Daniel! He’s come out with a new book trailer at YouTube with Dr. Magic, the rapping puppet. This one’s for STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK. That is one cool book, especially if you enjoy hurling. And no, I’m not talking about the sport you play with a ball.

So for this, Dr. Crankenfuss thought about what he could give you that could possibly rival the coolicity of such a wicked book video. And he came up with a perfect solution: a rap by Dr. Crankenfuss.

A VIDEO TAPE
THAT WILL LEAVE YOU AGAPE
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Dr. Magic makin' it clear
Dr. Magic makin’ it clear to one and all
(Dr. Magic is a creation of HD-Flat Beats (Google him).

Daniel got him a new book trailer,
It so shocking, you’ll need an inhaler.
Dr. Magic has opted to star again.
He so hot, he’s our cayenne.

He gonna rap ’bout STORIES GUARANTEED,
It so off the hook, you’ll get a nose bleed.
Humor, horror, nasal fiction,
Try it just once, it’ll be your addiction.

At Freaky Dude Books, we don’t miss a trick
And STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK
Will give your bad brain a good swift kick
And whack your funny bone like a pool stick.
So just you take it from ol’ Dr. Crank:
Read this book and you’ll be swank,
It’s like gettin’ free money from a really hip bank,
Then goin’ skinny-dippin’ in a septic tank.
For 3.99, you can’t ask for more
So check it out at your favorite e-store.

Nice going, Daniel!

From Your Dude with a ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

You want better Olympic events? Let’s start with tug-of-war, then move on to hip hop dancing.

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Humor Post #72 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Just a few thoughts today on what I think should replace some of the silly sports in the Olympics that few of us care about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just have a look at my post from a few days back. In no particular order, here are some new events that I am POSITIVE would bring scads of new viewers to Olympic broadcasts.

1) Tug-of-war. We’ll start with an oldie-but-goodie. Tug-of-war actually used to be an Olympic sport like 100 years ago. Well, Crankenfuss says, “Bring that baby back.” While most people can’t tell you anything about how to score synchronized swimming technique, everyone knows how to figure out who wins tug-of-war. The guys who drag their opponents over that line as the losers are wimpering and crying for their mamas. Men’s, women’s, hey, why not the under 2’s. Man, that would be sweet.

2) Dog tricks. Hey, while most everyone who competes in dressage, which is also known as “horse ballet” — editorial comment: GAG!! — is no doubt rich, even a poor guy can train a dog. The dog trick competition would make the Olympics truly democratic. Yes, the border collies would probably have an advantage, but I’ve seen them at rescue places so it’s not like they wouldn’t be available. Everyone loves Letterman’s stupid pet trick pieces so I’m sure it would be the same in the Olympics. And we could throw in dog frisbee too.

3) The world’s funniest videos. That show has been on since like Roman times and I still laugh at it all the time. And those are just the American ones. You don’t think they couldn’t come up with some funny ones from, say, Japan. I’ve seen some of their game shows; those guys are whacked. All you need is an IPhone or a Droid and you’re set and you can get them all over the world.

4) Olympic Wipeout. Always a tv winner in my book. People falling into mud baths and getting fish thrown at them (or spaghetti) or getting jiggled to death by some death machine. What’s not to like?

5) Okay, some of the ones above might be frowned upon by a few of you. But who can really disagree with the next one: DANCESPORT. Yeah, you heard me right: DANCING. Look who keeps winning on Dancing with the Stars — ex pro athletes. They certainly think it’s cool to dance. And the Winter Olympics already has ice skating and — get ready for this — ICE DANCING! Oh, so it’s okay to dance on ice, but not on a floor. Gimme a break. I don’t care how many categories they have. They could have waltz and quickstep for the old people and hip hop and crunk for the young dudes like yours truly. C’mon, if they have BMX cycling in the Olympics now, how much longer can they keep out salsa or hip hop? Huge ratings, here we come.

I have more ideas, but no more time right now. Gotta go, never be slow, make some dough, maybe buy a chateau, make the big show, that be me, yo. That would be
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss
Peace out. Word. And whatever else works.

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

The Olympics are very cool. Except for when they make horses wear dresses.

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Humor Post #70 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

All, right, it’s Olympic time. Crankenfuss likes the Olympics. Sports and lots of them, lots of good stories about the athletes, and you even learn some history about jolly ol’ England. I like to swim and already those muscled swimmers make most adults I know look like little wussies. And I’m talking just about the lady swimmers. The men are even more awesome. Someday they ought to have some normal guy walking alongside the pool while the swimmers compete so everyone would get a sense of how fast those dudes are motoring through the water. I got out my trusty calculator and figured out that in the 100 meter freestyle they’re doing around 12 1/2 minutes miles, which ain’t that fast. IF YOU’RE RUNNING, THAT IS. But try walking a mile in 12 1/2 minutes. Man, you’ll be bookin’.

Anyhoo, I like a lot of the Olympics. But hey, I wouldn’t be Crankenfuss if I couldn’t find some stuff to whine about so here it comes:

THE OLYMPICS HAVE A BUNCH OF SILLY SPORTS!

Yeah, that’s right. Some sports are way more equal than the others. Let’s say you win the Olympic marathon. Man that’s over 26 miles and what’s worse is to win, you have to beat the east Africans and I have to believe they’ve been running since they escaped from their cribs when they were about three days old. I know they test for steroids, but with those guys they should test for pony genes too.

So anyway you win the marathon. You get a gold medal. And so does the guy who wins the race walk. Yeah, I know it’s like 20 kilometers long, but dude, it’s still walking! Who came up with this thing? “Well, everyone likes running,” they said, “so why don’t we include walking for the people who aren’t so great at running?” Huh?? Why not crawling? Or how about crab walking? Or rolling down a hill? Why aren’t those in the Olympics too?

And then there’s equestrian dressage. It’s a horse competition. From the name, apparently the horses come out in dresses and they get judged. Isn’t that more a Project Runway thing? Horse dressage — gimme a break!

And there are a bunch of sports that seem to exist only for the Olympics. Like rhythmic gymnastics for example. Here’s a link to a cool YouTube video showing a bunch of the stuff they do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBWwm2Wysb8 Yeah, it’s pretty amazing and I could never do it — not that I’d want to, you understand — but people, this is not really a sport, is it? I mean twirling around a baton or bouncing a ball way up in the air or dancing with a long piece of crepe paper? Why not just have a competition for high school bands along with the majorettes doing baton twirling? Or we should have juggling competitions. Yeah, that would be cool, wouldn’t it? All the best jugglers in the world juggling, say,  three balls, a razor-sharp sword, a great white shark, and a baby or two. It would be amazing if they could just keep the baby (or babies) alive. That would get the viewers glued to the tv, I bet.

I’m outta time here. And I have so much more to say. But I gotta run so I’ll continue this in the next couple days.

In the meantime, stick with the real sports and let the silly sports slide.

from Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss