Post #9 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog–

OOH, the doctor is less than happy!!!!! He just got back from the movies and he’s so ticked he can hardly type. But he’ll do his best to explain what happened.

How’s this for a nice setup? You go to the IMAX to see Puss in Boots in 3D with a couple of your best buds. You get seats right in the middle where the screen is as big as North America and you have on those glasses and just the intro to the Dolby Sound System makes your ears so happy they try to put on party hats. Then the movie starts and you’re in heaven till… W-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!! Some baby starts wailing nearby. Nearby as in the seat just in front of you to the left. Like fingernails on your ear drums. You’d think the mother would whisk her bratty little kid out of the theater and give hundreds of paying customers a little peace and quiet. Think again. The lady puts her lil punkin head on her shoulder and tries to comfort her/him/whatever. (It was hard to tell.) The baby quiets down to maybe half the volume as before — maybe police siren level — and then lets out a nice portion of barf right on you know who’s leg. Only then does the lady get up and muscle her way toward the aisle. I’m sitting there, my chin somewhere near my belly button in amazement, while my two (former) friends are laughing so hard they’re practically shooting their Cokes up through their noses. So I do what I have to. Try to get out of there as unmessily as possible. Guess what. It was impossible. I ended up getting barf on either the people I was trying to slide past or on the backs of the chairs right in front of them. Of course, they got mad at ME!! Like it was my fault!!

So I finally get out of there to the bathroom and have to spend 10 or 20 minutes pretty much trying to get into the sink to get my pants less filthy. Bad enough in itself but think about the other people coming in. I tried to explain to the first couple, but it sounded so bad, I just shut up and kept my eyes down. But I knew everybody was staring at me and probably telling their friends what a doof I was.

When I finally get to my row, this man demands that I clean up the mess I left on the seat back in front of him. What am I going to do? Say “Make that lady do it?” She wasn’t even back yet. So there I went, back to the refreshments counter where I had to ask for some paper towels, then come back and do what the guy said, then leave again to throw away the trash.

Was I having fun yet?

I finally got back to my seat and then here comes back that lady with the baby. At least the little creature has calmed down. Boy, was I wrong! Two minutes later, like Ke$ha says, “This place about to blow.” More chunks, smaller and, as I was to find out, even harder to dispose of. The only good thing was my friend next to me got at least a bit of the overflow. And some of it went in his Coke.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details. I’ll just say, “Lady Lunkhead and Barfbaby, whatever your names are, if I ever find you, you owe me $10, you owe my friend $10, and you owe me a new pair of jeans, and much, much more.” How much I’m still trying to figure out. But it’s going to be a lot.

Till then, I’m a very PO’d Dr. Crankenfuss