Tag Archives: curmudgeon

Freak Speak

Sore Back Rap

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Post #19 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I’m sore. In two ways. My back is sore so I’m sore at the people who made my back sore. And that would be: our wonderful school system. Yep, the school system that makes kids stumble around school with a load on our backs heavy enough to slow down an 18-wheeler.

So instead of just lying around feeling sorry for myself, I’ve decided to do something about this. Let’s start with a rap song, okay?

SORE BACK RAP
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Yo, can’t get around
This freakin’ bleepin’ school
When Ima loaded down
Like an ol’ pack mule

Dey gimme 5 circles
To make my next class
Needa trade my old Armours
For a new body cast

They puttin’ my po’ parts
Thru a trash compactor
Me now need some face time
With the chiropractor

Maybe he know how
Make this pain a stop
So Ima got a ronday with
Dr. Crack and Pop

I got the answer fo this mess
This ain’t a case o My Bad
Throw those books in the trash
Replace ‘em with an IPad

Yes, that’s right. Dr. Crankenfuss has a solution to this national disgrace. Right now, every textbook we lug around weighs two to five pounds and costs like $30 or more. And within a couple years the books look like crap, all beat up and worn out. Couldn’t all that stuff be downloaded onto a Kindle or an IPad or a Nook? Couldn’t every teacher have a set of e-readers to hand out when we came in the room and we could just use those instead of killing ourselves dragging books around? Couldn’t the government buy e-readers for all students to take home? “But that would cost a lot of money,” I can practically hear some of you saying, especially any tax-paying adults out there. But lissen up, dudes. The readers would cost a lot less than all those books. One reader could hold hundreds of books. They could hold the whole school library, the encyclopedia, everything. Wouldn’t Apple and Amazon and Barnes and Noble fight each other like crazy to get the government to buy their machines? We’re talking zillion dollar contracts here. Well, to win those government deals, they’d have knock down their prices on those e-readers, wouldn’t they? It’d be an all-out price war. Kids win, yes!!!

Take it from the Crank. He’s telling you the truth once again. This may be my best idea ever and that’s saying a whole, whole lot. Yo peeps, we should make this a cause, a movement, a revolution! We could call ourselves the Crankenfuss Crew or something like that. (I admit, I haven’t given the name a whole lot of thought.) But anyway, think about it cause it really should happen. We could have signs that said, “We’re going insane/Give us freedom from our pain.” Or, “We got no flippin’ futures/Cause of all these stitches and sutures.”) And we’d get the smallest, cutest kids out front and show everyone how they’re getting crushed by their backpacks. Oh, TV people love that kind of stuff. Nobody wants to see kids hurt.

This is getting most cool. I need to think this out. Changing history could be very much fun!

All this (and a most awesome grill too) from your favorite middle school and YA blogger,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. That picture of the little dude up there came from an article that says just what I’m saying about heavy school books. You can read it by clicking here.

Freak Speak

At Dollar Tree, “Everything’s $1.00” Hey, I should be RICH!

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Post #18 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So I’m at the Food Lion with my mom. Dull enough. So I ask her if I can go to the dollar store next door. She says fine and then she says, “Oh, and just to show you what a great mother I am, you can buy the most expensive item in the store. It’s on me.” Then she starts laughing really loud. Oh, she was so pleased with herself.

What a thrill it is to have a mother who thinks she’s a professional comedian!

So anyway I go and I get a great idea when I see their sign.
I go inside and get in the check-out line. When it’s my turn I say, “I’d like to buy everything in this store.”

The lady looked at me with this Yeah, right! look on her face so I said the same thing again. “And here’s my dollar,” I said and I showed her a dollar bill.

She still was looking at me funny so I had to explain. “See, your sign says, ‘Everything’s $1.00,’ right?”

She said, “So?”

And I’m like, “Well, if everything’s $1.00, I want everything in here for a dollar. You can just start putting all of it in some of those bags you have there and I’ll come back later with a bunch of trucks and get the rest.”

It was at this point that she went and got the manager.

I stood my ground. The manager was not happy. “Young man, I don’t know what side of the bed you got up on today, but you’re making no sense. That sign means that every item in this store is $1.00.”

“Exactly,” I said. “And that’s exactly what I’m asking for. Everything in the store for a dollar.”

Ooh, he was getting hot. “Are you dumb or something?” His voice was getting louder. “Anyone can tell that means each thing in the store is a dollar. That means a dollar each.”

“Then the sign should say, ‘Each thing is $1.00,’” I said. I had him and he knew it. By now a couple other people were crowded around and at least one of them was smiling. But it didn’t do me any good.

“Kid,” he said. “You need a life.” And he walked away. I tried to follow him but he went in the back of the store and didn’t come out.

I was stuck. I knew my mom would probably walk in soon and I wasn’t sure she’d be real happy with my genius move. So I left. I didn’t bother to tell my mom about it.

But I was right. I know I was. If there are any lawyers out there who want to help me sue the store for false advertising, you can reach me through Freaky Dude Books. Hey, you might get some national publicity out of it. Think of it — a big store treating a poor, innocent kid like that. I could be your ticket to stardom. I could get on tv and cry about how I’d been cheated and mistreated.

I’ll be waiting.

From your Ranter of Record and Your Teller of Truth,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I come to praise a hair salon, not to bury it

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Post #13 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog–

No, no, I don’t go to hair salons. I go to a barber shop, thank you very much. (Though actually the last two times my mom cut my hair and nobody could tell the difference, least of all my hair.) But we were driving — Confession: I wasn’t driving. I’m using the editorial “we” here — in Cary, NC, and we saw this sign for a hair place and the name was Curl Up & Dye. My mom started laughing and — I hate to admit it — then she had to explain the joke to me. But even if I WAS a dumb bunny at the time, I think it’s a cool name for a salon.

Husband: What are you going to do today, honey?

Wife: Oh, I want to go to Curl Up & Dye?

Husband: Oh, no, don’t say that. I’m sorry for saying I didn’t like your brussel sprouts last night. They were really quite excellent. Let me help, please!

Wife: What for? I just want to go to Curl Up & Dye. It’s time for a change.

Husband: What?? Don’t you move, sweetie. I’m calling 911.

So congratulations to Curl Up & Dye. BTW, I looked it up on the web and it gets tons of ***** reviews.

Sorry I didn’t have anything to rant and rave about today. Hope you’ll forgive me.

From Dr. Crankenfuss, your (out-of-sorts) Cranky (but certainly not Stanky or Skanky) Curmudgeon

P.S. That title for the post comes from Julius Caesar, the Shakespeare play. They’re making us read, uh, be tortured by it in English class. No wonder the Roman Empire fell. They bored everybody to death by speaking in iambic pentameter all the time.

Freak Speak

New FDB video goes online

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Post #11 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog–

What, no complaints?? Sorry, dudes, today Dr. Crankenfuss is actually impressed with something. Daniel has just posted the latest video from Freaky Dude Books. He says he doesn’t know whether to call it a poetry video or video poetry, but I don’t really care, it’s still pretty good. Who thought such an old fart could create anything decent, much less something actually good? It helped that he had a good actor (Michael Thompson). Not to give too much away, but the bloopers at the end are my favorite part. Oh, yeah, the way he makes the pictures match up to the beat of the music in the middle is pretty cool too.

Anyway, you can look at the video by clicking here or you can go to the Videos Page and look at a bunch more.

For those of you who thought I was kidding in the heading and that I’d deliver my usual dose of ranting genius, sorry to disappoint you. I guess you could say I’m out of sorts today. Hey, don’t worry ’bout it. Just check out the video. In the meantime, I’ll be looking for something to get me back on track.

Freak Speak

Doesn’t this tick you off, Mr. Clop?

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Post #10 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog–

I love Greek and Roman myths. Forget Batman, X-Men, ET, Teletubbies, Ninja Knotheads, forget all of them cause they don’t hold a candle to the Greek and Roman guys. Don’t believe me? Check em out, you’ll see. Anyway, I’m reading The Odyssey for like the gazillionth time (+ 1) and I’m at the story of Ulysses and the cyclops. You know, that giant with one eye in the middle of his head and Ulysses sticks this long burning stick right in the man’s eye, which kind of annoys him just a bit and… anyway, it’s wonderful and painful and gross, all the stuff I find worthy, you know, when it comes to literature. And I had a question.

Why do they call this guy the cyclops? Shouldn’t it be cyclop? I mean, he only has one eye, doesn’t he? And clop is probably ancient Greek for eye. Now I don’t know exactly what cy means. One is the obvious choice, but I’m not sure. Maybe that was like his first name, like Sy nowadays is short for something like Seymour or Simon or Cyrus or Cyril or whatever. Cyclone? Anyway, that dude probably had a regular name like Simon Clop and people shortened it to Cy Clop. That’s the way I see it anyway. (Get it? See?) But there’s no way it would have been clops. After a couple thousand years, people probably copied it down wrong, that’s all.

So all your mythology experts out there, just lissen up to old Crankenfuss and he’ll get you straightened out when it comes to the things that matter.

From your Teller of Truth, Dr. Crankenfuss