Daniel Berenson | Freaky Dude Books

Humor Post #79 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This is a sad story I’m about to tell: A man ate too many cockroaches and worms and he died. It’s true, I swear. You can read about it right here. It happened in the last day or two. According to the story, those who met this guy considered him to be “the life of the party.” Life of the party? What kind of party would that be? Just the kind of party you ladies out there would like to go to, no?

Anyway, I guess it’s sad and all that this dude died, but how many days could he have had left on this Earth with an attitude like that? I mean, can anyone honestly say, “Oh, it’s so sad he died. He had so much to live for.”? Like what — the gator wrestling contest he had lined up for next week?

But what’s really ironic is that Daniel’s first book for Freaky Dude Books — that would be Daniel Berenson’s STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK — has as its first story the adventure of a guy who has to eat a two-inch cockroach. Live! Does he end up like the guy in the article above? Well, you can actually find out since Apple published the whole story at the iBookstore if you look up that title there. Amazon was a bit “cheaper” cause they only give you about 2/3 of the story for free. But if you want to see how life imitates art, you can check out the book at the iBookstore or at Amazon by clicking here.

In the meantime, you might want to follow one of Dr. Crankenfuss’s main pieces of advice: Don’t eat anything that will kill you.

As always, just trying to help.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. There’s this site about people who do dumb things like this. It’s called The Darwin Awards. OMG!! I just checked it out again to be sure I had the right address and just watched this idiot make himself fall down an elevator shaft. He just missed getting on the elevator and the doors closed too soon. He rams his wheelchair into the doors a couple times, busts through, and falls to his death. Sick, sick, sick. That’s me I’m talking about. I feel like I just ate a cockroach.

Confession from the guy who brings you most of the junk at Freaky Dude Books (except the art and animations that come from Maureen, but we all know her stuff doesn’t hold a candle to Daniel’s genius writing)–

So here’s the confession. I’m going on a diet. Again. Now this site is supposed to be entertaining and we hope it is, but there’s nothing entertaining about not being able to tie my shoes because my big ol’ gut’s in the way. Okay, it’s not that bad, but here’s the story. I spent most of last year losing 30 pounds. Ooh, I was so proud. I exercised all the time, kept my food intake under control (most of the time) and was ready to lose even more. Then I made my first mistake. Went on a dance cruise with Maureen.

No, honey, I didn’t mean you were the mistake. Honey, no, no, not the electric toothbrush in the eye! Let me explain. O-w-w-w!

Whew, that wasn’t fun. Anyway, back to the subject before she comes back with something sharper. And the dancing was fine too. It was those all-you-can-eat-anytime-you-want buffets and snack bars that did me in. And when I came back, I’d caught the food fever. So I’ve gained back 1/3 of what I lost. That would be 10 out of 30 pounds.

Daniel no happy with himself.

So now I’m putting it on the line. And online. I’m going to lose 10 pounds in two months. Don’t believe me? Just watch. Today’s Saturday. This morning I weighed exactly 179.8 pounds. So my goal is to get below 170. That’ll get me back to where I was 20 years ago. Back when McDonald’s was offering to put me on their breakfast menu as a Studly McMuffin. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration. But only in reality, not in my fantasies.

I’ll let you know at my Twitter page how I’m doing. No, I won’t bore you with constant tweets like, “Just had a nice hot bowl of water for dinner” or “Who knew styrofoam peanuts had so much flavor?” But once a day I’ll announce that day’s weight. Anyone who wants to join in, feel free. If you let me know how much you lost or are losing by posting your news at this site, hey, I’ll give away three of my books — you know, like by way of a drawing — to three people who lost weight too. And since the book is called STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK, reading the book will probably help you lose even more weight.

Okay, that’s it for now. Gotta get to work. This afternoon, it’s an hour on the step machine. Or an hour trying to convince myself to do 15 minutes on the step machine. (I don’t want to start too fast, you know. Might peak too early.)

Wish me luck. And good luck to you if you feel like joining in.

from soon-to-be-svelte-and-saucy Daniel