health | Freaky Dude Books

Humor Post #110 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Those of you who read me regularly — and I know there must be millions of you — know that I’m smart (like DUH!) but that I also don’t think kids should have books at school. Oh, sure, they contain knowledge and facts and all that stuff. But they also break your back and get messed up within a couple years and then kids are still assigned those filthy things (germ-ridden with boogers hidden) for years to come. Tablets, iPads, Kindles, any e-reader would make way more sense. But lots of people, mostly adults, still don’t get how uncool AND UNHEALTHY books are. Yo, all you adults: Books are yesterday’s news. Heck, they’ve hardly changed since the printing press was invented in the 1400s. That means for over 500 years, they’ve made like ZERO progress. They’re still built exactly the same: a cover with lots of pages of print inside.

Let’s think of all the other stuff that hasn’t changed in over 500 years. How about medicine? Any doctor out there still splitting people’s heads open with an ax to get rid of the demons that are giving them headaches? I didn’t think so.

How about transportation? “Attention, all passengers scheduled to leave on Flight 875 from New York to Los Angeles. You all need to report instead to the nearby stables for your new rides.”

How about communication? “Hey, I have to get a message to Miguel in Spain right away.” “Okay, Tom, I’ll get the boat ready for a nice little voyage. Shouldn’t take us over three or four months. That’s assuming we can catch the right currents, of course.”

So how come adults still think we’re supposed to do things the same way with reading that they did back before Columbus’s time?

And now I have a new reason to get rid of books. They’re killing us. Don’t believe me? Read this brill poem and I think you’ll be singing a different tune real soon.

WHY BOOKS ARE KILLING US
(A Message to All Adults, Especially Teachers and Parents)

by Dr. Crankenfuss

The need for books
Is gettin’ pretty small
Adults still love ’em
But they’re no good at all.

To make all that paper
It takes lots of trees.
It’s better to NOT kill nature.
Can’t we all agree?

To get books from the printers
To stores requires trucks.
Trucks run on oil,
Which really kind of sucks

‘Cause oil leads to pollution
Which fouls up all the air
If we keep reading books
My lungs ain’t got a prayer.

IPads don’t kill trees;
Kindles don’t foul air.
Let’s get rid of books
And treat kids like you care.

I believe that says it all.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr Crankenfuss

Humor Post #96 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

In my last post, I spent a bunch of time explaining how shaking hands kind of makes me nervous. A guy comes up with his hand outstretched and I wanna run. But now that I’ve researched the thing some more, I have even better reasons for giving up shaking hands. And cooler yet, I’ve put it in a poem. You know I love rap, but — my bad — I can’t really say this is rap. At least it rhymes. See what you think.

SHAKE YOUR HAND? NO, THANKS!

Yo,
I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more,
Not in the halls or on the dance floor,
There are too many traps I can’t ignore
So I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more.

Now ‘fore your nose gets all out of joint
Gimme a minute to make my point.

I know shaking hands has a long tradition,
Maybe it’s manners, maybe superstition,
But I’m here to tell you the reasons why
I’m kissing this scary custom good-bye.

Dudes just say they wanna be friends
But how do I know where their hands have been?
They may have just given a girl a rose
Or more likely…
They been diggin’ for treasure inside their nose.

Cleaning out mucus,
Picking at zits,
Putting grease on hair,
Ain’t no end to it.
Let your thoughts run wild,
It’s a very bad dream.
Were they applying deodorant
Or was it hemorrhoid cream?

See, most guys ain’t doctors when it comes to disease,
Wipe their hands cross their face when they cough or sneeze.
As a Brit would say, “They’re not very posh.”
After using the toilet, they hardly ever wash!

So before you offer your hand to a stranger
Remember this poem; think of the danger!
It’s YOUR OWN LIFE you might be savin’
So forget that handshake and practice your wavin’.

No…
There ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand,
I seen how you act and where it’s been,
Don’t take it personal. You still da man!
But there ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand.

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

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BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!

I AIN’T GONNA SHAKE NO HANDS NO MORE (A POEM BY DR. CRANKENFUSS)