Tag Archives: humor

Freak Speak

Woo-hoo! This is my 100th post so here are 10 of my favorite jokes to celebrate

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Humor Post #100 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Wow, you see that number 100 at the top of this post? Man, I’ve been around a while, haven’t I? And in honor of my 100th post, Ima give you 10 of the dumbunniest jokes I can remember. After all, I don’t wanna wear myself out. Yeah, I know 10’s got nothing to do with 100, but no way I’m gonna look for 100 jokes. Wait, let me show you my last 100 dunk attempts. Oh yeah, luckily no one was around to record them.

THE TEN ONE-LINERS DELIVERED TO YOU BY DR. CRANKENFUSS

1) A termite goes into a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender here?” (Okay, a few of you might need to think about this one.)

2) A man sent his depressed friend ten puns to see if he could make his friend laugh. No pun in ten did.

3) How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

4) An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

5) Did you hear about the restaurant they opened up on the space station? Great food, but no atmosphere.

6) Parent says, “My kid texts me ‘plz’ because it’s shorter than ‘please.’ I text him back ‘No’ because it’s shorter than ‘Yes.’

7) Two antennae got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

8) Woman goes to a psychiatrist. Says, “Doctor, sometimes I dream I’m a wigwam. Then I dream I’m a teepee. Then a wigwam. Then a teepee. Over and over and over again. It’s driving me crazy. Help me, Doctor!”
Psychiatrist says, “Calm down. You’re too tense.”

9) What did the surgeon say to the guy who came in with no health insurance? “Okay, suture self.”

10) Here’s one my science teacher told the class. About half the people got it.
Neutron walks in a bar, orders a drink. Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

You figured out Number 3 yet?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and 100 genius blog posts),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. You’re still trying to figure out Number 3, aren’t you?

Freak Speak

I AIN’T GONNA SHAKE NO HANDS NO MORE (A POEM BY DR. CRANKENFUSS)

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Humor Post #96 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

In my last post, I spent a bunch of time explaining how shaking hands kind of makes me nervous. A guy comes up with his hand outstretched and I wanna run. But now that I’ve researched the thing some more, I have even better reasons for giving up shaking hands.  And cooler yet, I’ve put it in a poem. You know I love rap, but — my bad — I can’t really say this is rap. At least it rhymes. See what you think.

SHAKE YOUR HAND? NO, THANKS!

Yo,
I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more,
Not in the halls or on the dance floor,
There are too many traps I can’t ignore
So I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more.

   Now ‘fore your nose gets all out of joint
   Gimme a minute to make my point.

I know shaking hands has a long tradition,
Maybe it’s manners, maybe superstition,
But I’m here to tell you the reasons why
I’m kissing this scary custom good-bye.

Dudes just say they wanna be friends
But how do I know where their hands have been?
They may have just given a girl a rose
Or more likely…
They been diggin’ for treasure inside their nose.

Cleaning out mucus,
Picking at zits,
Putting grease on hair,
Ain’t no end to it.
Let your thoughts run wild,
It’s a very bad dream.
Were they applying deodorant
Or was it hemorrhoid cream?

See, most guys ain’t doctors when it comes to disease,
Wipe their hands cross their face when they cough or sneeze.
As a Brit would say, “They’re not very posh.”
After using the toilet, they hardly ever wash!

So before you offer your hand to a stranger
Remember this poem; think of the danger!
It’s YOUR OWN LIFE you might be savin’
So forget that handshake and practice your wavin’.

No…
There ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand,
I seen how you act and where it’s been,
Don’t take it personal. You still da man!
But there ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand.

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Manti, your girlfriend was really sick. Ever think of visiting her?

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Humor Post #90 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This is a message to Manti Te’o from Dr. Crankenfuss:

You don’t know me from dog poo, but I’m just trying to work this out in my head, bro. Now I don’t know how smart you are, but I know you’re on the Notre Dame football team. That means, at the least, you understand your team’s playbook. Those things can get pretty complicated, I hear. You play on the defensive line. That means the the other team’s offense is trying to fool you all the time, you know, like faking handoffs and telling you your shoe laces are untied, stuff like that. You have a big coaching staff teaching you how to size up a situation, fast and accurately. You’re pretty good at your position. Good work! That means you’re no dummy.

You’re so good, in fact, that by the time you’re a senior, you’re the biggest star on the team. Lots of press, lots of attention. Lots of potential girl friends too. I’m only a kid, but I think that there would be plenty of girls who’d like to be associated with the team’s star. Heck, at the least, the TV shows would always be pointing them out in the stands. If they’re into attention, they’d be sure to get a lot of it.

Ah, but there’s a problem for them. You’ve had this long distance girlfriend for three years. You’re so in love with her, you’ve told your teammates and your dad about her. You’ve spent hundreds of hours on the phone with her.

But you’ve never met her!

You’ve never even tried to meet her very hard.

You’ve never Skyped with her or had a Facebook video chat.

Huh??

Even when she was in a horrible car accident, you didn’t try to go see her. What’s with that? Hey, you managed to get from Hawaii to Indiana, didn’t you? Couldn’t you have figured out some way to get to the bedside of the love of your life? Wouldn’t your dad or some relative have given you a plane ticket? And then she comes down with leukemia! She’s on the edge of death! Even then you don’t visit her. And when she dies, it seems like you make no effort to go to her funeral. Who would deny you that?

As someone famous once said, something is rotten in Denmark. And Notre Dame too. And it doesn’t take a crabby old cynic like Dr. Crankenfuss to figure this out.
I don’t know what happened here, but it sure ain’t what’s been said so far.

Come clean, bro. The truth shall set you free (and answer a lot of questions for Crankenfuss).

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

This post is for people who like math AND Italian food

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Humor Post #88 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I didn’t make this up, but it’s too good not to pass on.

If “a” is the area of a circle, and “z” is the radius…

well, then,
pi * z * z = a

(Remember, if you’ve forgotten your middle school math, an asterisk means TIMES.)

That’s it, the shortest post by Crankenfuss ever.

You can stop your cheering now.

Oh yeah, BTW, Daniel’s new books are now out at Apple and B&N. Should be on Amazon this week. Two Moose Joke Books and a literary novel released in the same month! Woo hoo!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Help! It’s the end of the world! NOT!!

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Humor Post #85 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

As many of you know, today (December 21, 2012) is the last day of our existence. The end of the world! Yep, that’s what a bunch of people have been yelling about since they heard about the Mayan calendar. Not that these people know squat about the Mayan calendar. Of course these same people — I use the term loosely — probably can’t tell you how to spell February, which is on our own calendar. They probably think the Mayan calendar was invented by Maya Rudolph from Saturday Night Live or somebody like that.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that they’re IDIOTS!! That’s with a capital exclamation mark! In fact anyone who predicts the end of the world with a specific date in mind is A IDIOT! (Grammar mistake intended.) Here’s how I know. The end of the world has been predicted so many times, it would be hard to count them. Guess what percentage of those predictions came true. That’s right — ZERO.

And do you think those people feel any shame at being stupid at predicting things? Naw, most of them just try to explain why they were off just by a bit and then they predict the next end of the world. How do they ever feel right about predicting anything again, including the date of their first decent idea, since they missed on the biggest bet of their lives?

So congratulations to all of you out there who try to figure out the exact date or year of the apocalypse! Dr. Crankenfuss has already figured out the exact day you became a knuckle-dragging poop-for-brains being. It was the day you were born.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss