Humor Post #102 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
Well, some of you were probably surprised that Ol’ Doctor Crankenfuss had something serious to say in his last post. And he even said it in poetry! Well, that didn’t last too long. I’m back and ready to rant. Today it’s about what a bunch of people call The Morning News. People all over the country turn on their tv around 7:00 to get a quick fix of the news and weather before they go to work. The most important word here is “quick.” I recorded the CBS Morning News this morning (Friday, April 5, 2013) and I totaled up how much news they actually give you, minute by minute. Here’s what I found out. (Long story short: They should call it “The Morning Little Bit of News.”)
THE FIRST HALF HOUR
8:00 – 8:19 — National and International News
8:19 – 8:20 — Local weather and traffic
8:20 – 8:21 — CBS telling you what’s coming up soon, you know, like previews at a movie theater. (Kind of like a commercial. Or what people call a ‘teaser.’)
8:21 – 8:25 — Commercials
8:25 – 8:26 — Another minute of previews (or teasers) from CBS. See, they haven’t had any real news since 8:19 and they’re trying to keep you in front of the tv. (“Don’t go away,” they say. “Look at this cool stuff we have coming up soon.”)
8:26 – 8:29 — Local news, weather, and traffic. About one minute for each. The local news almost always has half of it (or all of it) devoted to a car accident or a murder or a fire.
8:29 – 8:30 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR FIRST HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 19 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 4 minutes
Commercials and previews = 7 minutes
CONCLUSION: NOT TOO BAD. BOTTOM LINE -> 23 minutes of news, 7 minutes of commercials.
THE SECOND HALF HOUR — Watch what happens now! It’s the ol’ switcheroo!!
8:30 – 8:40 — National/international news
8:40 – 8:45 — Commercials
8:45 – 8:47 — National/international news
8:47:00 – 8:47:30 — Local weather (30 seconds)
8:47:30 – 8:48 — Preview/teaser of what’s coming up (30 seconds)
8:48 – 8:52 — Commercials
8:52 – 8:52:30 — Preview/teaser (30 seconds. You see how it works?)
8:52:30 – 8:56 — Commercials (30 seconds)
8:56 – 8:59 — Local news, weather, and traffic (about one minute of each)
8:59 – 9:00 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR SECOND HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 12 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 3 1/2 minutes
Commercials and previews = 14 1/2 minutes
((WOW!! Look how it changes from the first half to the second half hour. The main difference is they take out seven minutes of the news and MAGICALLY CHANGE THEM INTO COMMERCIALS.))
CONCLUSION: AY, CARAMBA!! BOTTOM LINE -> 15 1/2 minutes of news, 14 1/2 minutes of commercials.
FINAL LESSON TO BE LEARNED:
If you want to get the best bang for your buck (at least when it comes to watching The CBS Morning News), watch from 8:00 to 8:20. Then run and wash up or get dressed or whatever and if you really want ONE WHOLE MINUTE of local news, come back at 8:26. And if you want the teeniest, weeniest bang for your buck, watch the second half hour which is almost 50% commercials and teasers.
How’s that for some amazing analysis from Dr. Crankenfuss? Not bad, eh, especially from a middle schooler? Well anyway, hope you learned something. I know I did. I learned when I’m playing my video games, almost all the time I spend is playing my video games. Now that’s a good use of time, at least compared to watching the news on tv.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and a great media analyst to boot)
Dr. Crankenfuss