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Freak Speak

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER FOR A DOLLAR!

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Humor Post #107 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

It’s time for Dr. Crankenfuss to get all happy again. Yeah, I know that might make you sick, but I just found out something yesterday that blows my mind. See, I bought this computer for one whole dollar. It’s new. It’s perfect. It does everything I ask it to. Now don’t get me wrong. This ain’t no iMac or anything but it does exactly what it’s supposed to. What a great world we live in. Technology is getting better and better and cheaper and cheaper all the time.

If you had predicted this, say, 45 years ago, nobody would have believed you. Back then it costs a couple hundred dollars for this thing and people thought that was a pretty good price.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Yeah, sure, you ol’ Crank, there’s gotta be a trick here somewhere, right?”

And I’m telling you there’s not. And to prove it, here’s a photo I just took of my new $1 computer.

a one dollar computer Bought it at the Dollar Store. Yeah, I know what you’re saying again. (I’m special that way.) You’re saying, “But Crank, that’s just a calculator. Of course, they’re cheap.”

Yes, they are, but they’re computers nonetheless. And my grandpa told me that back in the 70s (or, as I call it, in “medieval times”) a bunch of his friends chipped in for his birthday and bought him a calculator that probably was like this and it cost them over $100. And that price had come down in the last few years from much higher.

Think about how powerful this thing is. It can do math better than you ever could and it’s practically free. So when Dr. Crankenfuss goes on one his usual rants, just remind him that there really are some pretty cool things going on out there.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

An Incredibly Intense Passage

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Daniel Berenson here. If you’re looking for Dr. Crankenfuss, I’ve taken the liberty of moving him down the page today because it’s time for this week’s Sunday Snippet for Weekend Writing Warriors. Be sure to visit the Warrior site and look through all the contributions there. Some interesting stuff, to be sure.

The passage that follows is from FIREBUG, a published novel by Daniel Berenson of Freaky Dude Books.

Setting the scene: Eleven-year-old Curtis is playing with matches in his grandpa’s tool shed. He has just shot a lit match toward an open-mouthed jar. His aim is perfect. A direct hit.

The jar exploded into dust, and with it, the world.

The white blast enveloped Curtis, devouring him in pure, searing energy. Hot needles pierced his body and face and he went blind as he was blown backwards. He was somehow aware of electricity, light yellow dots slamming into him like Uncle Joe’s soldering iron, turning creamy liquid and soaking him in a rush of tweezers tearing at every pore in his skin. His body shrieked.

Time stretched thin and strong as spider silk, dragging him through black tunnels of razor wire slitting his every nerve. No thoughts… just pictures and pain, pain, pain without understanding… everywhere the feel of ground glass… power saws ripping through lips… electric piranhas… sparks of light piercing his eyes… there was something ahead of him… the house… the house was in front of him… now the ground… now the sky… his skin being ground between Indian arrowheads… the ground melting into his face… his nostrils filling with burnt meat… infinitely tiny bullets shooting into him everywhere… his hair… his hair?… HE WAS ON FIRE!
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Thank you and now it’s time for your usual host, Dr. Crankenfuss.
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News from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, that was sure pleasant!
Thanks, Daniel. Now I’m really steamed! I’m trying to run a humor site for you and you post stuff like THAT? How can I top that? By jumping out the window? Hey, I could try that, seeing as how we’re on the first floor here. But it still wouldn’t be anywhere near as gross.

Man, after that intro, I think I’ll just fill all of you in on the news:
Daniel’s novel FIREBUG, the book where he got that piece at the top, is getting nice reviews at Amazon. There are only nine so far, but they’re almost all 4 or 5 stars. Daniel got a bit upset with the one 3 star review, but I helped him get over it by making him practice the karaoke number he’s doing tonight at a party. He’s singing, well, butchering Hard to Love by Lee Brice. After he saw and heard his performance on the computer, he felt a lot worse than he did after seeing that review. He’s trying to figure out how to create some kind of six-hour virus to get out of tonight.

Also he released LOVE THUG at Amazon last week and it already has a few reviews. Well, I exaggerate. Two, actually, but both of those guys bought the book at least. And both of them gave him 5 stars. I told him, “Daniel, books are like doctors. They take patience.” He tried to slap me for that one, but he got himself in the head instead. (Now that’s what you call an inside joke, people.)

Anyway, he’s still trying to give out a few review copies of both books in return for honest reviews. So if you know anyone who’s interested, after reading the sample of the book at Amazon, send him a message here and tell him how to get in contact with you.

Talk to you soon. But I hope it’s after a somewhat lighter piece of work than Daniel gave you today. I’m still a bit freaked out.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Daniel’s Gettin’ a Bit Full of Himself with this LOVE THUG book

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Humor Post #105 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

People out there know I don’t say much bad about Daniel, the guy who started Freaky Dude Books and me, but sometimes he just needs a little talkin’ to. He’s just released LOVE THUG at Amazon this past weekend, he’s gotten one whole 5 star review, and now he thinks he’s like the next Justin Bieber of the literary world. He’s gone and entered this contest at The Kindle Book Review where he thinks he has a decent chance of getting recognized in the Young Adult category. Well, the cover DOES look mighty nice. If they judge the book by its cover, he DOES have a chance. (No wonder. It’s by Maureen Dunlap, his girlfriend.)

LOVE THUG
A Romantic Comedy for Teenagers (or almost teenagers)

He was all excited so I thought I’d try to be funny. I told him he had a better chance of getting recognized in the “Face Like a Turkey” contest but he didn’t go for that too much. That was kinda mean, I admit, but hey, that’s one of my talents and Daniel says that one of the lessons of LOVE THUG is “Be yourself” and that’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Anyway, he had to pay $20 to enter so I guess he’s “puttin’ his money where his mouth is,” as they say.

Tell you what. To make it up to Daniel, I’ll write a little cheery rap for him right now just in case he doesn’t win this thing. After all — don’t tell him I said this — the odds aren’t that great, are they? There will probably be lots of entries and there are a lot of good writers out there. (Lucky I didn’t enter or he NEVER woulda stood a chance. But there wasn’t a category for rap, and I haven’t written a book yet.)
Anyway, here’s my “feel good” rap for Daniel:

Don’t get too down if you don’t win,
You can always get up and try again,
Rejection can feel like a kick in the shin
But your true talent will win in the end.

Good luck, Daniel, in that Kindle Book Review Contest. After all, you never really do know where lightning is going to strike, do you?

For the rest of you, take a look at their ad. Looks pretty professional to me.


From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

What’s ahead for Dr. Crankenfuss?

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Humor Post #104 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

I been thinking about heads lately. Why? Cause someone at school called me a chowderhead. I couldn’t come up with anything clever to come back with so I went home and checked out all the -head insults. It’s a pretty pitiful selection from what I’ve been able to find. Here are some of the better known ones:
blockhead — bighead– bonehead — chucklehead — dumbhead — dunderhead — fathead — hardhead — knucklehead — lunkhead — pinhead — meathead — airhead — egghead

Then of course there are all the ones that have a body part in front of the word head. And I’m not talking about calling someone an armhead or a backhead. (Though there IS a forehead, isn’t there?) It’s usually an uglier or nastier body part than an arm or back. The only one I feel comfortable using here is butthead. I think you can come up with some others. But if you use them on your parents or teachers, don’t try to blame me!

But it seems to me like you can put just about anything in front of head, can’t you? Why was I able to find only a couple hundred “___head” words on official lists. I mean almost any animal will do as an insult. Try calling someone a platypus head and see if you don’t get a reaction. Or a penguin head. How about a woodpecker head (uh-oh, double meaning there). Even if you pick an animal most people like, put it in front of head and it doesn’t sound so nice, does it, poodlehead?

Anyway, someday I might have to compile The Book of Heads. I don’t think it’s been done yet. I could have zillions of cool insults and some very cool visuals, but also I could ask some questions that would really make people think.

For example,
*Why do we call someone a redhead when almost always their hair is kind of orange? But you never hear of an orangehead. Maybe that’s because when you spell it out, it looks like you’re saying that person looks like an orangutan.
**As long as we’re on redheads, why don’t you ever hear of a yellowhead or a brownhead or a blackhead? Well, that last one you do, but that’s not talking about hair, is it?
***Why is bonehead considered an insult? Would you prefer the alternative? Hey, gristlehead! Yeah, that sounds real nice. I mean, if you go into a crowded room and say, “Hey, bonehead,” shouldn’t everyone in the room say, “Yes?”
****And what about hardheaded? That means stubborn. But who wouldn’t want to be hardheaded? Would you rather be mooshyheaded?
*****If an egghead gets confused, does he become a scrambled egghead?
******Why isn’t beautifulhead a compliment?

Oh, this could be a very long book.

Well, I’m going to quit now. I’ve got so many ideas for The Book of Heads, my head is spinning. (There’s a totally new one — spinninghead.) Let me start getting a proposal together to submit to some publishers. I’m sure a couple of them will see the amazing possibilities here.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Woo-hoo! This is my 100th post so here are 10 of my favorite jokes to celebrate

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Humor Post #100 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Wow, you see that number 100 at the top of this post? Man, I’ve been around a while, haven’t I? And in honor of my 100th post, Ima give you 10 of the dumbunniest jokes I can remember. After all, I don’t wanna wear myself out. Yeah, I know 10’s got nothing to do with 100, but no way I’m gonna look for 100 jokes. Wait, let me show you my last 100 dunk attempts. Oh yeah, luckily no one was around to record them.

THE TEN ONE-LINERS DELIVERED TO YOU BY DR. CRANKENFUSS

1) A termite goes into a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender here?” (Okay, a few of you might need to think about this one.)

2) A man sent his depressed friend ten puns to see if he could make his friend laugh. No pun in ten did.

3) How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

4) An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

5) Did you hear about the restaurant they opened up on the space station? Great food, but no atmosphere.

6) Parent says, “My kid texts me ‘plz’ because it’s shorter than ‘please.’ I text him back ‘No’ because it’s shorter than ‘Yes.’

7) Two antennae got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

8) Woman goes to a psychiatrist. Says, “Doctor, sometimes I dream I’m a wigwam. Then I dream I’m a teepee. Then a wigwam. Then a teepee. Over and over and over again. It’s driving me crazy. Help me, Doctor!”
Psychiatrist says, “Calm down. You’re too tense.”

9) What did the surgeon say to the guy who came in with no health insurance? “Okay, suture self.”

10) Here’s one my science teacher told the class. About half the people got it.
Neutron walks in a bar, orders a drink. Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

You figured out Number 3 yet?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and 100 genius blog posts),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. You’re still trying to figure out Number 3, aren’t you?