Monthly Archives: December 2011

Freak Speak

Sore Back Rap

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Post #19 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I’m sore. In two ways. My back is sore so I’m sore at the people who made my back sore. And that would be: our wonderful school system. Yep, the school system that makes kids stumble around school with a load on our backs heavy enough to slow down an 18-wheeler.

So instead of just lying around feeling sorry for myself, I’ve decided to do something about this. Let’s start with a rap song, okay?

SORE BACK RAP
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Yo, can’t get around
This freakin’ bleepin’ school
When Ima loaded down
Like an ol’ pack mule

Dey gimme 5 circles
To make my next class
Needa trade my old Armours
For a new body cast

They puttin’ my po’ parts
Thru a trash compactor
Me now need some face time
With the chiropractor

Maybe he know how
Make this pain a stop
So Ima got a ronday with
Dr. Crack and Pop

I got the answer fo this mess
This ain’t a case o My Bad
Throw those books in the trash
Replace ‘em with an IPad

Yes, that’s right. Dr. Crankenfuss has a solution to this national disgrace. Right now, every textbook we lug around weighs two to five pounds and costs like $30 or more. And within a couple years the books look like crap, all beat up and worn out. Couldn’t all that stuff be downloaded onto a Kindle or an IPad or a Nook? Couldn’t every teacher have a set of e-readers to hand out when we came in the room and we could just use those instead of killing ourselves dragging books around? Couldn’t the government buy e-readers for all students to take home? “But that would cost a lot of money,” I can practically hear some of you saying, especially any tax-paying adults out there. But lissen up, dudes. The readers would cost a lot less than all those books. One reader could hold hundreds of books. They could hold the whole school library, the encyclopedia, everything. Wouldn’t Apple and Amazon and Barnes and Noble fight each other like crazy to get the government to buy their machines? We’re talking zillion dollar contracts here. Well, to win those government deals, they’d have knock down their prices on those e-readers, wouldn’t they? It’d be an all-out price war. Kids win, yes!!!

Take it from the Crank. He’s telling you the truth once again. This may be my best idea ever and that’s saying a whole, whole lot. Yo peeps, we should make this a cause, a movement, a revolution! We could call ourselves the Crankenfuss Crew or something like that. (I admit, I haven’t given the name a whole lot of thought.) But anyway, think about it cause it really should happen. We could have signs that said, “We’re going insane/Give us freedom from our pain.” Or, “We got no flippin’ futures/Cause of all these stitches and sutures.”) And we’d get the smallest, cutest kids out front and show everyone how they’re getting crushed by their backpacks. Oh, TV people love that kind of stuff. Nobody wants to see kids hurt.

This is getting most cool. I need to think this out. Changing history could be very much fun!

All this (and a most awesome grill too) from your favorite middle school and YA blogger,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. That picture of the little dude up there came from an article that says just what I’m saying about heavy school books. You can read it by clicking here.

Freak Speak

At Dollar Tree, “Everything’s $1.00” Hey, I should be RICH!

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Post #18 from Kidlit’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So I’m at the Food Lion with my mom. Dull enough. So I ask her if I can go to the dollar store next door. She says fine and then she says, “Oh, and just to show you what a great mother I am, you can buy the most expensive item in the store. It’s on me.” Then she starts laughing really loud. Oh, she was so pleased with herself.

What a thrill it is to have a mother who thinks she’s a professional comedian!

So anyway I go and I get a great idea when I see their sign.
I go inside and get in the check-out line. When it’s my turn I say, “I’d like to buy everything in this store.”

The lady looked at me with this Yeah, right! look on her face so I said the same thing again. “And here’s my dollar,” I said and I showed her a dollar bill.

She still was looking at me funny so I had to explain. “See, your sign says, ‘Everything’s $1.00,’ right?”

She said, “So?”

And I’m like, “Well, if everything’s $1.00, I want everything in here for a dollar. You can just start putting all of it in some of those bags you have there and I’ll come back later with a bunch of trucks and get the rest.”

It was at this point that she went and got the manager.

I stood my ground. The manager was not happy. “Young man, I don’t know what side of the bed you got up on today, but you’re making no sense. That sign means that every item in this store is $1.00.”

“Exactly,” I said. “And that’s exactly what I’m asking for. Everything in the store for a dollar.”

Ooh, he was getting hot. “Are you dumb or something?” His voice was getting louder. “Anyone can tell that means each thing in the store is a dollar. That means a dollar each.”

“Then the sign should say, ‘Each thing is $1.00,’” I said. I had him and he knew it. By now a couple other people were crowded around and at least one of them was smiling. But it didn’t do me any good.

“Kid,” he said. “You need a life.” And he walked away. I tried to follow him but he went in the back of the store and didn’t come out.

I was stuck. I knew my mom would probably walk in soon and I wasn’t sure she’d be real happy with my genius move. So I left. I didn’t bother to tell my mom about it.

But I was right. I know I was. If there are any lawyers out there who want to help me sue the store for false advertising, you can reach me through Freaky Dude Books. Hey, you might get some national publicity out of it. Think of it — a big store treating a poor, innocent kid like that. I could be your ticket to stardom. I could get on tv and cry about how I’d been cheated and mistreated.

I’ll be waiting.

From your Ranter of Record and Your Teller of Truth,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Are You Freaky Smart?

Easiest Brain Teaser Yet – December 1, 2011

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This Brain Teaser (aka “IQ Question”) could easily fit on one of those Stupid Tests you sometimes see on the web. In fact it’s so easy, we’re giving you a time limit for solving it. Why? Because if you really study this bad boy, there is no way in the world you could miss it.

So what’s the time limit? Let’s say 20 seconds if you’re 12 or younger and 15 seconds if you’re 13 or older. If you take longer than that, give yourself a big ol’ F.

Okay, so here it is. You have 20 seconds (or 15).

Ready…… Set…… Stop!

Ha, ha, got you.
(Yeah, we know that was an unbelievably bad joke.)

“C’mon,” you saying, “let’s get this party started.”
Okay, we hear you.
This time it’s for real.

Ready…… Set…… Stop!
Ha, ha. We lied.
Ow-w-w-w-w!! We can hear you moaning from here.

So…
GO!!

Joe’s mother has three children. The oldest is named April. The middle child is named May. What is the name of the youngest child?

You ready with your answer? Click here to see how you did.