Monthly Archives: March 2013

Freak Speak

Woo-hoo! This is my 100th post so here are 10 of my favorite jokes to celebrate

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Humor Post #100 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Wow, you see that number 100 at the top of this post? Man, I’ve been around a while, haven’t I? And in honor of my 100th post, Ima give you 10 of the dumbunniest jokes I can remember. After all, I don’t wanna wear myself out. Yeah, I know 10’s got nothing to do with 100, but no way I’m gonna look for 100 jokes. Wait, let me show you my last 100 dunk attempts. Oh yeah, luckily no one was around to record them.

THE TEN ONE-LINERS DELIVERED TO YOU BY DR. CRANKENFUSS

1) A termite goes into a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender here?” (Okay, a few of you might need to think about this one.)

2) A man sent his depressed friend ten puns to see if he could make his friend laugh. No pun in ten did.

3) How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

4) An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

5) Did you hear about the restaurant they opened up on the space station? Great food, but no atmosphere.

6) Parent says, “My kid texts me ‘plz’ because it’s shorter than ‘please.’ I text him back ‘No’ because it’s shorter than ‘Yes.’

7) Two antennae got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

8) Woman goes to a psychiatrist. Says, “Doctor, sometimes I dream I’m a wigwam. Then I dream I’m a teepee. Then a wigwam. Then a teepee. Over and over and over again. It’s driving me crazy. Help me, Doctor!”
Psychiatrist says, “Calm down. You’re too tense.”

9) What did the surgeon say to the guy who came in with no health insurance? “Okay, suture self.”

10) Here’s one my science teacher told the class. About half the people got it.
Neutron walks in a bar, orders a drink. Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

You figured out Number 3 yet?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and 100 genius blog posts),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. You’re still trying to figure out Number 3, aren’t you?

Freak Speak

Warning! Don’t look up “Boy Blogs” to find boy blogs

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Humor Post #98 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This will be short and it’s a BIG WARNING. Watch out what you click when you’re on the internet. You probably already knew that but somehow the Crank got fooled anyway. I was looking to see if there was anyone out there who could compete with my brilliance… well, okay, my somewhat better than stupidness. (BTW, did you hear about Brad Pitt’s brother Stu? Think about it. Hey, I made that up and yes, I think it’s good!)

Anyway, Mr. ADD will get back on topic. I was looking for other guys who did blogs so I could maybe connect with them. So I put “best boy blogs” in the search bar and went to a few of those sites.

OMG!!

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Now I have to see if I can erase those sites from my computer’s memory in case my mom gets all popo on me.

If anyone can really tell me where there ARE good kids blogs written by kids, please let me know. (And I’m not talking about girls’ fashion sites. I’m not too interested in that stuff.) I’m still trying to pull that rag back and forth through my ears to clear my brain of those memories.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (but not too much intelligence this afternoon),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

My Cure for Global Warming (or Climate Change, or whatever u want to call it)

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Humor Post #97 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Dr. Crankenfuss is worried. He was on the web last night — that was his first mistake — and he found this article. It’s all about how the earth is the hottest now since it’s been since the DAWN OF CIVILIZATION! That means it’s hotter now than it’s been for like 11,000 years! That’s older than all my teachers put together. Here’s the main graph that shows the OMG spike.

See that huge spike at the end? That's the last 100 years or so. (This graph was in the article linked to above at MSNBC and it was called WARMING FASTEST SINCE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, STUDY SHOWS.)

This is happening right now, people! Okay, you say you’re not worried, that you’ll just keep snarfing down those chicken wings and watch March Madness. Well, Dr. Crankenfuss watches the news. And he has eyes and a brain. So here, in his usual poetic style, he’s going to tell you what he’s going to do save his butt, at least.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING

The earth is heating up,
The temps make record highs,
The ocean’s much too warm,
That leads to rising tides.

The tides rush into streets,
Buildings wash away,
People build sand barriers,
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach people got big problems,
They want the Gov to cure ’em,
The Gov ain’t got the answers,
I’m glad I live in Durham.

Our altitude’s 400 feet,
Plenty high, that’s true.
But if things start accelerating,
I’ll have an ocean view.

No way I’m stickin’ around,
I’m putting’ my theory to the test,
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest.

If she won’t go for that,
Only one way we’ll stay afloat,
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Converting our house to a boat.

See you on the high seas, matey!

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss (soon to be Captain Crankenfuss)

Freak Speak

I AIN’T GONNA SHAKE NO HANDS NO MORE (A POEM BY DR. CRANKENFUSS)

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Humor Post #96 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

In my last post, I spent a bunch of time explaining how shaking hands kind of makes me nervous. A guy comes up with his hand outstretched and I wanna run. But now that I’ve researched the thing some more, I have even better reasons for giving up shaking hands.  And cooler yet, I’ve put it in a poem. You know I love rap, but — my bad — I can’t really say this is rap. At least it rhymes. See what you think.

SHAKE YOUR HAND? NO, THANKS!

Yo,
I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more,
Not in the halls or on the dance floor,
There are too many traps I can’t ignore
So I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more.

   Now ‘fore your nose gets all out of joint
   Gimme a minute to make my point.

I know shaking hands has a long tradition,
Maybe it’s manners, maybe superstition,
But I’m here to tell you the reasons why
I’m kissing this scary custom good-bye.

Dudes just say they wanna be friends
But how do I know where their hands have been?
They may have just given a girl a rose
Or more likely…
They been diggin’ for treasure inside their nose.

Cleaning out mucus,
Picking at zits,
Putting grease on hair,
Ain’t no end to it.
Let your thoughts run wild,
It’s a very bad dream.
Were they applying deodorant
Or was it hemorrhoid cream?

See, most guys ain’t doctors when it comes to disease,
Wipe their hands cross their face when they cough or sneeze.
As a Brit would say, “They’re not very posh.”
After using the toilet, they hardly ever wash!

So before you offer your hand to a stranger
Remember this poem; think of the danger!
It’s YOUR OWN LIFE you might be savin’
So forget that handshake and practice your wavin’.

No…
There ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand,
I seen how you act and where it’s been,
Don’t take it personal. You still da man!
But there ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand.

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss