Humor Post #29 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Well, not to sound like all those Twitterheads who let everyone know what they’re having for lunch or whether they need to go to the bathroom, Dr. Crankenfuss was in the grocery store yesterday. And Crankenfuss discovered something interesting. He saw six — count ’em, six — products that had “New and Improved” written on them. And he didn’t even try very hard to find them. It’s just that their announcements were in such bold print he couldn’t miss them.

So Crankenfuss decided seven can play that game. He went home and within half an hour he had these two new prototypes for his brand. Pretty cool, huh? (Note: If you can’t see them yet, you need to look down. No, no, not down at the floor. Down this page.)

But then Crankenfuss started thinking. Always a fascinating (and scary) activity especially if you have all those secret passages and cobwebs in your head like Crankenfuss does. And he thought, Why did that clothes detergent (or whatever) need to be improved? What was it like before? And Crankenfuss, utilizing that muscular noodle of his, came up with the logical answer. Well, before, it must have sucked. That’s why it needed newing and improving. After all, improvement is one thing. But “New and Improved” sounds like they totally got rid of the old way it was — the old sucky, useless way it was, the old this-thing-should-be-shot-for-its-own-good way it was. For detergent, that probably meant it didn’t clean clothes too well. After all, clothes can turn out only one of two ways: clean or not clean. And not clean basically means kinda dirty, doesn’t it?

After all that thinking, Crankenfuss decided to ixnay his new “New and Improved” label. I don’t need a new me, he thought. My crank is just right. And you can trust my fuss. But Crankenfuss still wanted to improve his brand, you know, so he came up with the perfect solution. Take a look below to see the realest and most accurate description of the Dr. Crankenfuss who’ll be at your service in the future.
From your humble and awesome progenitor of 21st century thinking,
Dr. Crankenfuss
P.S. You impressed by that cool word in the closing? So am I.