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Freak Speak

I feel bad for my mailman (and for my mom’s bank teller)

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Humor Post #76 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I like my mailman. He’s a nice guy. He always has a smile and a friendly hello for me when I happen to be walking my dog (which isn’t nearly often enough, my mom keeps telling me). He doesn’t try to run me down or anything and I gotta give him props for that, you know.

But he’s still going to lose his job.

There’s this old saying that goes something like, “Neither rain nor snow nor mean dogs or anything else will keep the postman from delivering the mail.” And that’s pretty much true. But the saying doesn’t mention anything about the fact that almost nobody uses mail anymore to send stuff. I know, I’m exaggerating a bit here. The Crank does that sometimes. But think about it. Thanks to texting or emails, when’s the last time you actually wrote someone a letter? When’s the last time one of your parents wrote anybody a letter? I’m not talking about greeting cards. That’s the main kind of “letter” the post office delivers now. Yeah, they carry a lot of packages too. But Fed Ex and UPS and some others I can’t think of right now do the same thing. If it wasn’t for magazines — especially my favorite, Sports Illustrated — we could almost get along without our mailman. Mostly he brings us junk mail like advertising stuff from grocery stores and department stores and catalogues. I know some people like that stuff, but that’s just not enough to keep a business going. It’s kind of like those Indians that used to hold the important job in their tribe of sending out smoke signals. A while back that was a super cool job, I’m sure. Well, what happened to them?

Another job that I wouldn’t recommend someone to have for their career is being a bank teller. My mom just scanned a check yesterday afternoon and her bank deposited it in her account by 8:00 last night. She was like all happy and she said, “Now I won’t have to go to the bank. Think how much time that’ll save me from now on.” If I was a bank teller, I’d be listening to my mom. That’s kind of like your doctor telling you you have a heart murmur and maybe you should cut back on the cigarettes and double fries.

Anyway, it’s not my fault all this is happening. All I do is look around and see it.

Sorry for the bad news, Mr. Mailman and Ms. Bank Teller, but ol’ Crankenfuss is just trying to give you a thumbs up. In the meantime I gotta think of a new career path for myself. My old idea of being a spittoon cleaner ain’t looking so smart anymore.

Have a great day, people.

From your man with the message,
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

These stupid quotes will make you feel like you’re a genius!

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Humor Post #75 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Crankenfuss is CRANKY, people. He can’t think o’ nuttin’ to complain about today. What the heck is the world coming to? Well, actually I could, but I don’t wanna. I think I’ll be positive for a change. So today I’m giving you 10 of the dumbest things anybody has ever said. I found these all over the web and I made sure I found every one of them at least twice. That’s the best I can do to find out if they’re true. I could try to contact everyone quoted, but some of them are dead, the others don’t know me, and I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to write back to some twit who’s asking them, “Are you as stupid as this quote makes you look?” and say, “Oh yeah, I said that. I’m as dumb as a rock who gets F’s in rock school.”

And even if these quotes (and the people who said them) are pretty pathetic, at least you can say, “Hey, my life ain’t so bad.” At least I’m not as dumb as this knuckle-dragger.”

So here they are in no particular order, ten really dumb quotes:
1) “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” (Jason Kidd when he was first drafted out of college to the NBA)
2) “The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” (Frank Rizzo, the dumb mayor of Philadelphia a long time ago)
3) “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” (Brooke Shields, actress)
4) “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” (Marion Barry, another dumb mayor, but this time of Washington, D.C.)
5) “I’m keeping an eye out for those Americans.” (Osama bin Laden. Actually, I just made that one up. Pretty good, if I do say so myself.)
6) “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” (President George W. Bush, talking about education)
7) “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Joe Theismann, former star NFL quarterback, but he was no Norman Einstein)
8) “I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.” (Cher, famous singer and actress)
9) “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” (former Vice-president Dan Quayle. There’s lots of dumb quotes on the web by him. Some of them gotta be true, wouldn’t you think?)
10) “I wished the buck did stop here. I could use a few.” (Dr. Crankenfuss, world renowned sage. Okay, I admit I stole this one, but I really did make up #6.)

That’s it for today, oh posse of mine.
Till later, it’s your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Baseball Managers Fake It Almost As Much As Pro Wrestlers

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Humor Post #73 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching ESPN’s Sports Center the other night and they had this great video collection of baseball managers blowing up at umpires. There were a lot of red-faced conniptions going on, but some took it way farther than that. Kicking dirt on the umps, throwing bats, tearing bases out of the ground, you name it, they were doing it. There’s this guy Wally Backman on some Georgia team who is famous on YouTube for having a mouth dirtier than a bus station bathroom. I’d put the link here but I don’t want to get in trouble with any parents who might be reading this. They could sic the cops on me for corrupting minors or something.

Anyway, near the end of this ESPN show — and I have to say it was pretty hilarious —  Crankenfuss had a brainstorm. Mightier than a hurricane, you can be sure. Here it is. I’m almost positive the managers are mostly acting!! You know, like pro wrestlers. Now I know a lot of people think wrestling is real, but there are a lot of people out there who claim Elvis sings to them at night. Live!! Folks, the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it. Anyway, even the wrestlers admit they’re faking it, at least some of them. Oh, I don’t doubt they get hurt. (Getting belted in the head by a chair would cause a little discomfort, don’t ya think?) It’s obvious they’re super tough. It’s just that they know who’s going to win ahead of time. I mean if someone stomped on your neck with all his weight, I think they’d have to peel your neck off the mat. But those guys get that done to them all the time and they don’t die. They always seem to keep on fighting.

In a word, wrestlers E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–E everything. They exaggerate their moves, their pain, their anger, their meanness toward each other. If they did’t, how could they go to the same locker room after a brutal match and not kill each other back there?

The Crank is getting off topic again. Too much chocolate or ADHD, one or the other. Back to baseball managers and their E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–I–O–N–S. How come it’s only baseball bosses who go nuts like that? I watch tons of sports. I never see a football coach throw a football at a referee’s or get up his face, spit flying out of this mouth. Or how about basketball coaches. They wear zillion dollar suits, at least in the pros, and act very professionally. If they say something nasty and the ref hears it, they get hit with a technical foul and the other team gets free throws. In other words, their team GETS HURT when they act up. NOT IN BASEBALL. Nothing happens to the team at all when the manager throws a hissy fit.

Warning alert: New Crankenfuss brainstorm. It probably all starts with the fact that baseball managers dress up in baseball uniforms. How stupid is that? Do basketball coaches dress in shorts and sneakers? Football coaches in helmets and pads? Gimme a break! The managers are already playing make-believe so they just take it all the way. Now I admit I could be wrong about this, amazing as that sounds. I’ll admit it when you show me another sport where the managers/coaches do the same type stuff as often as those baseball guys.

Until then Dr. Crankenfuss thinks there’s something very fishy about those whacked out managers. Maybe there should be some kind of acting award for those performances.

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
The Doctor

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

You want better Olympic events? Let’s start with tug-of-war, then move on to hip hop dancing.

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Humor Post #72 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Just a few thoughts today on what I think should replace some of the silly sports in the Olympics that few of us care about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just have a look at my post from a few days back. In no particular order, here are some new events that I am POSITIVE would bring scads of new viewers to Olympic broadcasts.

1) Tug-of-war. We’ll start with an oldie-but-goodie. Tug-of-war actually used to be an Olympic sport like 100 years ago. Well, Crankenfuss says, “Bring that baby back.” While most people can’t tell you anything about how to score synchronized swimming technique, everyone knows how to figure out who wins tug-of-war. The guys who drag their opponents over that line as the losers are wimpering and crying for their mamas. Men’s, women’s, hey, why not the under 2’s. Man, that would be sweet.

2) Dog tricks. Hey, while most everyone who competes in dressage, which is also known as “horse ballet” — editorial comment: GAG!! — is no doubt rich, even a poor guy can train a dog. The dog trick competition would make the Olympics truly democratic. Yes, the border collies would probably have an advantage, but I’ve seen them at rescue places so it’s not like they wouldn’t be available. Everyone loves Letterman’s stupid pet trick pieces so I’m sure it would be the same in the Olympics. And we could throw in dog frisbee too.

3) The world’s funniest videos. That show has been on since like Roman times and I still laugh at it all the time. And those are just the American ones. You don’t think they couldn’t come up with some funny ones from, say, Japan. I’ve seen some of their game shows; those guys are whacked. All you need is an IPhone or a Droid and you’re set and you can get them all over the world.

4) Olympic Wipeout. Always a tv winner in my book. People falling into mud baths and getting fish thrown at them (or spaghetti) or getting jiggled to death by some death machine. What’s not to like?

5) Okay, some of the ones above might be frowned upon by a few of you. But who can really disagree with the next one: DANCESPORT. Yeah, you heard me right: DANCING. Look who keeps winning on Dancing with the Stars — ex pro athletes. They certainly think it’s cool to dance. And the Winter Olympics already has ice skating and — get ready for this — ICE DANCING! Oh, so it’s okay to dance on ice, but not on a floor. Gimme a break. I don’t care how many categories they have. They could have waltz and quickstep for the old people and hip hop and crunk for the young dudes like yours truly. C’mon, if they have BMX cycling in the Olympics now, how much longer can they keep out salsa or hip hop? Huge ratings, here we come.

I have more ideas, but no more time right now. Gotta go, never be slow, make some dough, maybe buy a chateau, make the big show, that be me, yo. That would be
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss
Peace out. Word. And whatever else works.

Freak Speak

Do you want your country to be world’s Olympic champion? Then learn how to row, shoot, and judo chop.

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Humor Post #71 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

As I was saying… uh, yeah, it was about all those puddle-headed Olympic sports we have to suffer through in the next two weeks. First, let it not be said that Crankenfuss doesn’t appreciate the Olympics. Hey, any day with sports on a channel (here it’s NBC… obviously) all day long is better than a day filled with knuckle-dragging game shows where the audience is screaming, “Ask for a vowel, Ricky!” or “A $5,000,000 price is right for that new electric race car! Tell Drew that!”

But a whole bunch of these Olympic sports don’t exactly capture my full attention, ya know. And why is that? Cause I don’t pay any attention to them the rest of the year either. Just today I checked to see what’s on NBC for the day. Here you go: Starting at 10:00 AM, it’s… ya ready for this? Maybe you better sit down in case you get a bit woozy with anticipation.
Swimming,
Beach Volleyball,
Volleyball,
Water Polo,
Rowing,
Canoeing.
Hmm, let’s see. Swimming’s great, but after that I’m not exactly wetting my undies with excitement. Beach volleyball is cool, I admit, and anybody’s gotta appreciate — well, guys at least — a bunch of babes in skimpy little two piece bathing suits cavorting around in the sand? What’s not to like? But hey, c’mon, don’t you think that’s exactly the reason the Olympic guys added beach volleyball? I mean, how popular a sport is it? Uh, outside California and Florida (and Hawaii?), probably not very. But girls going wild in bikinis? “Hoo boy, the Olympics are right there, baby! Gonna sell a lot of beer and car ads with stuff like that, aren’t we?” the GIC’s (Guys in Charge) crow to each other as they high-five each other.

And not to be to big a party pooper on volleyball — well, okay, somebody’s gotta say it — the thing gets kinda gets boring after the first two hours or so. About 80% of the points go like this: 1) someone stops the incoming shot (sometimes with a great diving save) and bops it to guy/girl #2. Then #2 sets up #3 with a high, soft lob. And then of course, #3 spikes the @#$%^&@# out of the ball and the whole thing repeats itself. That’s it. Over and over and over for forever, it seems. I only need a couple games before I actually consider going outside and getting some exercise of my own.

Water polo? Where do I go to play that around here? Yeah, you got that right. Not a great number of youth teams to choose between, that’s for sure. How did this sport become Olympic worthy?

And finally for my day’s entertainment, we have rowing and canoeing. Oh, joy! Lemme see, which would I rather watch: basketball or rowing? Not a very tough decision. And how about this? In basketball, there are — count ’em — two gold medals, one for the men, one for the women. And for rowing/kayaking/canoeing, how many do you think they have? 5, 10, even 15? Wrong, wrong, and wrong. There are 30 events in those “sports.”

30???

So the Olympics are telling me if your country has the best women’s and men’s basketball teams in the world — and notice that I put women first. Hey, I’m a modern kind of dude — you can earn two gold medals. But if you really want to bring home the bacon, get everyone in your country rowing or kayaking or canoeing starting say at age two and you can have a great start at winning the whole Olympics. At last count, I believe 30 beats 2.

In fact, for a complete picture, here’s a page from Wikipedia, my always favorite source of info on the net, that shows how many medals come for ever sport:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_events
Study this page like I did and I think you’ll agree that here’s what you do to win the Olympics, baby!
You encourage everyone in your country to get good at one of these events:
rowing/kayaking/canoeing (30 events),
Judo (14 events),
and Shooting (15 events).
That’s 59 events in all, 177 medals in all (gold, silver, bronze). Hey, you have a great chance to be #1 in the whole wide world! Heck, even countries like Andorra and Luxembourg would have a fightin’ chance with a national program like the one I’m proposing. And while those rowing things might not be that attractive to every kid, especially the four or five year olds, ooh, judo and shooting… why, that’ll get most all the little guy dudes into trying to be Olympic champs.

And all thanks to Crankenfuss, your country can be #1 in the world!

Why haven’t our Presidential candidates talked about this? Just one more reason Dr. Crankenfuss should be a senior advisor to all sorts of people who want to succeed.

And to think all this comes to you for free.
What a great world we live in.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss