All posts by crankenfuss

Never, Ever Done Before! A Humor Book by a Kid for Kids!!

“Humor” Post #131 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Woo-hoo! MY NEW BOOK IS OUT! I believe it’s the only joke book written by a kid for other kids. Think about that, would you. Can you think of any other book like that? I didn’t think so. (But if you know of one, please send me the info.)

Now there are way more than jokes in this thing. Just go under the book cover’s picture below to see some of the topics covered in the book.

Oh yeah, that cover. Well, here it is a few lines down. Not bad, eh? My book’s available at Amazon, Apple, and Barnes and Noble. (Click on any of those names and you’ll go straight to the book’s page.) And each place has a sample of the book so you can decide for yourself if you want to try it out. Oh, yeah, the cost? $2.99! That’s it. $2.99 for a giant dose of the Doctor!

If you think this cover is nice, check out the chapter headings below!
If you think this cover is nice, check out the chapter headings below!

So here are some of the chapters in the book:
** Dr. C Rants about Spitting (very engrossing, or just very gross)
** Dr. C Rants about Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star (the dumbest song ever written)
** Amazing Mazes (I’ve given you some mazes that the smartest rat in our local psychology lab couldn’t figure out)
** The Fart Poem (Yes, you read that right. Be sure to put a clothes pin on your nose before you read it.)
** That’s Gotta Hurt (illustrations of situations that would humiliate you worse than you’ve ever been in your life)
** Good Student/Bad Student (two large pictures of students with labels to explain how you can tell which one is GOOD and which one is EVIL)
** The Nothing Page (a page with absolutely nothing that says a whole lot)
** Bad Wrap Rap (one of my favorite raps about that disgusting heavy plastic covering that covers many products)
** The Toughest Kind of School (a poem about the toughest school in the world)
** Optical Illusions (that will make your eyeballs come straight out of your head)

So how about checking out my book at one of the three bookstores above. Think about getting your own digital copy. And the book comes with over 70 full-color illustrations.

And I’m warning you now. I’ve already started on Volume II.

Thanks for listening.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Still Mad, but at least he’s an Author,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Vitamins and soaps are only for dopes/ But don’t go too far in raising your hopes

Humor Post #130 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE FROM DR. CRANKENFUSS! I hope your year will be way less cranky than mine. Why would a first class party pooper say that? First off, I don’t want too many clones out there or else I won’t be so unique. Second off, crankiness really isn’t that much fun (though it IS necessary at times) so I hope you’re happy most of the time and that good things happen to you. But don’t forget to check in to this blog so you’ll see why YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ANGRY OR ANNOYED at the bad doings out there.

See, that’s my job, you know. Well, actually I have 3 jobs. #1 is to make you mad at things that suck lemons, things that are like spinach between your teeth, things that should go back to the sewer they came from.

#2 is to give props to some people or things that really deserve them (besides me, of course).

And #3 is to make you laugh or at least smile.

So today I’m commenting about big news that came out a few weeks ago. I kind of said it in the title but here’s a headline I found from Morning Joe, and he has his own TV show  and that means it must be important, right? And after that, I wrote a poem about the issue.

I promise you: YOU WON’T FIND A POEM LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD!

Avoid vitamins and some soapsTHE ECSTASY AND THE AGONY
by Dr. Crankenfuss

A victory for us!
Kids, stay strong!
Adults once again
Have been proven wrong.

All I can say
Is thanks and amen.
I’ll never have to take
Another vitamin.

Docs say they don’t
Do anything
‘Cept make some stores’
Cash registers ring.

And that’s not all.
This is so dope!
There’s 3 strikes against
Anti-bacterial soap.

I wonder what’s next.
Nobody knows.
They’ll probably conclude
We don’t need clothes.

After that nutritionists
Will probably teach ya’
Nature’s perfect food
Is pepperoni pizza.

The world will be different:
We’ll all be nude,
We’ll never take baths,
But we’ll eat great food.

Sounds good so far
With lots of drama,
That is until
I see my naked mama!

It’ll be out of control!
Maybe we should begin
To take another look
At soap and vitamins.

********************

Not too shabby, eh?
And on top of that — well, underneath that really — there’s even some big news I have!
Within a few days, my first book will be published:
DR. CRANKENFUSS’S HUMOR BOOK FOR GUYS!!
More on that real soon.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Finally let’s get this straight/ These expressions are out-of-date

“Humor” Post #129 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

You’re reading this so you probably know I like to write. Usually I try to be funny. But today’s post is about a few expressions I hear pretty often and I can’t figure out why they’re still used. I’m not going to do my usual thing and call them stupid. Let’s just call them “out-of-date” and say they should be retired. So here they are:

1. DIAL A NUMBER:  I don’t think anyone’s dialed a number in what — 10 or 20 years? I know I never have. A lot of kids don’t even know what a phone with a dial looks like (unless they watch old movies). But what word should replace it? Should we “press a number,” “punch a number,” “hit a number”? You got me. I know in Spanish it’s something like “oprime” because the computerized voice on a phone says, “Oprime dos.” But I don’t think “oprime” will be a big hit with most people.

2. To TAPE something or “LET’S LOOK AT THE TAPE.”:  I just heard Dr. Phil say that second expression on his show the other day. Or people will talk about “taping a conversation.” But there isn’t any tape involved anymore, is there? That was when people actually had “tape recorders,” not “digital voice recorders” or DVD players. So what’s the new term going to be? Obviously Dr. Phil can say, “Let’s look at the video.” Maybe I’ll have to get in touch with him about that. I’m sure he’d take my call. (Joke.)

3. My grandfather still uses the expression “BOOB TUBE” for the TV. That means it’s for dumb people. Okay, that’s fine, but TVs haven’t had any tubes in them for a bunch of years. Yes, I know if you have an ancient computer screen that weighs maybe forty pounds or a giant TV that weighs over 100 pounds, those probably have picture tubes in them. But any flat screen doesn’t work by tubes, does it? But “BOOB LED” doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? So let’s say Adios to “boob tube.”

4. LIKE A BROKEN RECORD:  That means something keeps getting repeated the way an old scratched record would get stuck on the same note. But almost no one has records anymore. (And yes, I know Justin Timberlake has a vinyl version of his latest CD.) But why hasn’t that expression been replaced by “like a scratched CD”? I’ve heard CDs repeat a note over and over till it drives you nuts. Just the other day, I had one stick on the word “what.” It went “wha-wha-wha-wha-wha” for about 20 seconds till I could take out the CD and clean it. Luckily that worked or I might have gone batty. I’m just saying that old expression should go the way of the dinosaurs: extinct.

Here’s something I just thought of. I wonder how long it’ll be before CDs disappear. Oh, I know they won’t totally disappear, but already nobody carries around CDs anymore, do they? They’ll become like records. And record stores.

5. Speaking of music, why do they still call new releases “ALBUMS”? There haven’t been any albums for like 70 years or more. It took me forever to find a decent picture of one. Finally I got this photo at www.popscreen.com of a 4-record-album by Eddy Duchin, who made music in the 1930s. See all the records in there. (I had to look him up at Wikipedia ’cause I’d never heard of him.)

A real record album
This is what a real record album looks like.

Back then, they could only fit about 5 or 10 minutes of music on each side of a record. So they had to have albums that looked like photo albums to hold all the records you needed for something that fits on a CD or a thumb drive now.

Anyway, that’s all I got for today. I guess it’s not any kind of humor post, but I hope it got you thinking.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude
(who must not be in the happiest mood),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Is it Xbox One or PlayStation 4? Which one should I ask for?

Humor Post #128 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m going to tell you a story. It’s how I tried to get either an Xbox One or a PlayStation 4. They both seem kind of awesome so I’d be satisfied with either one. Maybe my mom will go along, I thought. After all, I AM her only son. And it IS holiday time. Wouldn’t a mom want to please her only son?

What happened is detailed below. In all its gory details.

WHICH PRESENT DO I DESERVE TO GET?
I’M SURE MY MOM WILL BE FINE WITH IT
by Dr. Crankenfuss

In case you haven’t noticed
There’s a world wide war
It’s the forces of the Xbox
Vs. PS 4

It’s hard to stay cool
Or reach your gaming goals
When all you got goin’
Is an old console

You can’t miss those ads
They’re on all the sports
Makes me kinda feel like
My life is falling short

Don’t wanna be out the loop
Don’t wanna be out of touch
But why’d they have to make
Those darned things cost so much?

I told my mom I love her
But I’d love her even more.
If she would just shell out
For a PlayStation 4

She didn’t appreciate my comments
So I promised to sacrifice
“I won’t complain anymore,” I said.
“I promise to be nice.”

That made her start to laugh so hard
She held her sides in pain
I knew my case was hopeless
I didn’t ask again

But I learned a valuable lesson
Don’t talk too much smack
Don’t make promises you can’t keep
You’ll give your mom a heart attack

I decided I shouldn’t be greedy
And not ask for too much
I’ll just concentrate on moving up levels
In the free app — Candy Crush

From Your Dude with the Selfish ‘Tude (who learned his lesson),
Dr. Crankenfuss

CHICKEN NUGGETS?? FUGGEDABOUTIT!!

Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

I don’t mind tellin’ you. I love those chicken nuggets. Don’t matter which place they come from: Bojangles, McDonalds, Burger King, wherever, whatever, they’re good! Until now. It seems this science professor down in Mississippi analyzed those little boogers from two “major chains” (he didn’t say which ones) and found out some info I could have done without. Here’s my reaction. In a poem, natch.

WITH THESE CHICKEN BITS
I SHOULD CALL IT QUITS
by Dr. Crankenfuss

When I’m watching TV or just hanging out
And I wanna have a party in my mouth,
There ain’t a snack quite as kickin’
As a pack of nuggets made from chicken.

I settle in and take a bite;
Those chicken morsels are out of sight.
I hope I don’t sound like a big, fat lummox
But those things are phat for tongues and stomachs.

So now I read some doc’s analysis
That gave my gut instant paralysis.
He found what’s in a nugget of chicken.
Ain’t much better than an average nose pickin’.

There WAS some meat, Whew!
But lots of other stuff too
Like fat and gristle,
An occasional blood vessel,
Nerves and dead skin.
Are you still listenin?
I could have read more
But my stomach was too sore.

So after all the facts I’ve just cited,
Here’s what I’ve seriously decided:
There should be some parts of a chicken
That on my plate should be forbidden.
I shouldn’t be afraid I’ll kick the bucket
From chowin’ down on a chicken nugget.
So I think those chains really should
Not make those things taste so good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss