Category Archives: Freak Speak

Freak Speak

Dr. Crankenfuss’s Mean, Horrible, Stupid Day

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Post #145 from Dr. Crankenfuss, (Usually) The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger (but not today) –

This was a bad day.
There’s no getting around it.
It’s lucky I can barely find my head
Because I need to pound it.

I usually try to act all awesome and cool like I know what I’m doing. This is not always the case. In fact, it’s only true a fraction of the time and I’m not naming the fraction. I’m mad at myself and pretty embarrassed. Today I couldn’t get anything write. (See??)

Here’s what happened:

First off, my English teacher had me hand out some essays that had been graded. Not too bad. It’s not like I could see anyone’s grade. The teacher puts the grades on the back page. Smart teacher. But it does kind of show the teacher thinks I can read people’s names and that I know who people are, which I guess is a compliment.

Well, I couldn’t. There were at least four names I didn’t recognize. A few times I gave paper to the wrong people and they like almost threw the papers back at me. One guy said, “Can’t you read, doofus?” Anyway, I had to give back a few papers to the teacher and I felt kind of stupid. It turned out that all the mystery people were almost always quiet in class and didn’t raise their hands much to ever answer anything, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It really means that I need to notice other people more, doesn’t it?

So on the way to lunch, I decided to be nice and open one of those swinging doors for a friend. The door opened okay. It’s just that I whacked someone to my left who wasn’t looking. I almost got beat up because this dude was way bigger than me. Lucky he wasn’t in too bad a mood cause I could have been whacked (for real).

Finally in gym, we had to run five laps to warm up. That shouldn’t have been too hard. Guess again. I hadn’t tied my shoelaces and I tripped over my own feet. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The gym teacher came over to make sure I was okay and then said he’d have to put me in the “fitness protection program.” Ha, ha! Everyone’s a comedian especially when I’m the joke.

So now I’m home and I’m kind of scared to leave my room. No telling what I might do — stub my toe on a dust bunny? Get up from the computer with my headphones still on and send me or my computer flying? I mean, the day’s not over yet. There’s plenty more bad stuff that could happen.

Maybe I’ll just go to bed early. Like 5:00.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
the knucklehead
who shoulda stayed in bed

Freak Speak

Something stupid we don’t need: the 2-minute warning in football

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Post #144 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

This will be a pretty short Crankenfuss post. Okay, you can stop with the cheering and let me talk. Here it is:
What’s with the two-minute warning in pro football? Why do coaches and players have to be told there are two minutes left in a half? Is there anyone on the team or in the stands that doesn’t know how much time is left? Only the ones who can’t read a digital clock.

College and high school games don’t have a two-minute warning. So how come pros need one. Are they dumber?  Well, here’s the real reason: It gives the TV network an extra two minutes to stick in some commercials. And you know that fans need these commercials. That’s because we’ve hardly seen any up until that time. NOT!

Aren’t football games long enough already? To play 60 minutes takes around 3 1/2 hours!

Okay, I looked it up and it’s even worse than that. Out of the 3 1/2 hours, only 11 minutes actually has any action. All the rest is replays, commercials, guys standing around in huddles, shots of fans with their shirts off and covered with paint and going “B-l-a-a-a-ah!,” and so on. If you don’t believe me, here’s where I found my info.

Enough already.

So let’s start by getting rid of that ridiculous two-minute warning and then maybe go next to the five minutes it takes between a score and when the other team starts their offense. I know I’ll have a hard time living without those ads with guys acting totally stupid while they try to sell me beer, but I think I can survive that.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
a guy who likes football,
so he’d actually like to see some of it

Freak Speak

Who has the cutest babies? Spoiler alert: It’s not humans.

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Post #143 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Today I have a poem for you. Some of you will probably be offended by it. Hey, I’m used to that. Lots of stuff I say gives people a headache. I exaggerated the title, of course, to get your attention. I don’t really think that way. (I gotta keep up this cranky image, you know.) But give this a good look and see if you don’t agree with the conclusion (even if you don’t want to admit it). Also, feel free to send your response to that survey at the end. Many thanks.

UGLY BABY
by Dr. Crankenfuss

I know this poem’s gonna make people hate on me,
Especially mamas showin’ off their babes to me.
They think cause it’s theirs, the kid’s somehow magical,
But to think they’re all cute is just not logical.
I know this next fact will cause parental damage,
But by definition, folks, half your kids are below average.

It must be a girl thing, fussing over babies,
And I know life’s a miracle. Hey, I’m not crazy!
But I suspect lots of people are only being dutiful
When they see a newborn and coo, “Oh, she’s so beautiful.”
Cause I’ve seen lots of babies and with some you can be smitten,
But few can compare to your average little kitten.

We’re supposed to be life’s highest form
But we don’t look so good soon after we’re born.
Compared to prancing puppies and hopping haby goats,
If I’m surfin’ through YouTube, I know which way I vote.
It’s a Roomba riding kitty,
A bear cub on a bike,
A doggie on a surfboard.
Little critters? What’s not to like?

So when it comes to babies,
Humans have a ways to go.
Compared to other species,
We fall a bit below.
I’ll give you a good example
And then you’ll plainly see:
I was an ugly baby
And now look at me!

**********

Now, how about giving me your opinion? Who has the cutest babies: humans, dogs, cats, goats, meercats, dolphins, something else? You decide. By the way, to show I’m not totally anti-human, check out that one-year-old boy playing the drums on YouTube. I’m not kidding. It’s unbelievable! It doesn’t get much better than that!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

A woooden board has to lie? I ain’t lettin’ this one by.

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Post #142 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

When is a board not a board? I’m serious. This isn’t a little kids’ joke that can be answered with, “When it’s floating in the water next to the boat.” No, I mean a real board, like a 2×4 that is used in most any kind of house there is.

See, I have a friend who’s taking Shop—the kind where you go build stuff, not the one that teaches you how to behave at the mall—and he told me that a 2×4 is really only one and a half inches by three and a half inches. Huh? That’s a pretty big difference. Say you’re trying to fill a box with a bunch of boards—Don’t bother to ask why. Just go with me on this, okay?—and the box is a foot high, foot wide, and two feet from end to end. Like the box just below, okay.

wooden_gray_box1Nice looking box, eh? Anyway you get some two foot long 2×4’s. You’re good in math so you figure it will take three boards to go across the bottom (which would be a foot total since you multiply 3 X 4) and six boards from the bottom to the top (since 6 X 2 = 12). So that’s 18 boards in all, right?

WRONG! You would still have all this empty space left in the box. I don’t see how builders can work this way. Why isn’t a 2×4 a 2×4? It’s like they round up. Way up. Saying one and half inches is two inches is like adding 33% to it. It’s like those ice cream cartons that everyone calls half a gallon, but they’re way smaller than that. (So the companies can get more of your money without you thinking about it, see? Ooh, they ARE sneaky, aren’t they?)

Hey, if I use this strategy, it could really help me. Say I’m five feet tall. (I’m really taller, but I want the math to be easy.) I can just say, “Yo, dudes, I’m a massive six foot eight inches tall.” (33% extra). Wow, looks like I’m going out for basketball after all.

And if I go to a movie, I can just give the guy in the window $6 and tell him, “Hey, guy in the window, this may look like $6, but it’s really $8. So let me in, all right?”

Just trying to help out, ya’ know. That’s what I do, remember? Point out stuff that needs fixing. Which will make life better for all of us.

Talk to you soon, I hope.

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I COULD CLEAN UP MUCH FASTER WITHOUT THIS DISASTER

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Post #141 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Dudes, you ever do any cleaning in your house? Okay, what if your mom or dad makes you, you know like they say, “You should pull your weight around here, El Sloppo!” or “If you want your allowance this week, you better do some chores around the house”?

Well, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. All that matters is that you recognize this thing I’m about to show you.

Gray DustpanYes, almost every house in our country has one of these. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a DUSTPAN. And I had to use one to clean up the kitchen last night. And I discovered an important thing about it. Well, I’ve always known it, but it was still like a WOW moment because I realized it’s time to get rid of this pitiful excuse of a tool and replace it with something better.

Here’s my reason: IT DOESN’T WORK! No matter how hard you try, it always leaves a line of dirt or dust right at its entry point. Then you have to get down with a wet paper towel or something to get up what’s left. What’s with that? How long has this thing been around–since Roman times maybe?–at least in one of those emperor’s mansions or something and even then, some servant probably got his tail whipped because the emperor would come along and say, “Like dude, what’s with this line of dirt on my marble floor?” and he’d send the poor guy off to the lions.

I mean, we’ve replaced parchment, the quill pen, the horse and buggy, the hole in the ground (for going to the bathroom) and most of the stuff from centuries ago with something better.

WHY NOT THE DUSTPAN?

And yes, I know you’ll say a vacuum cleaner is stronger for getting up dirt, but that involves dragging it from another part of the house and it takes too long, man.

So here’s my suggestion for that thing.

dustpan X'ed outGood-bye and good riddance. At least after someone comes up with something that works better. C’mon, Apple. An I-Watch is nice, I’m sure, but I’m talking about something that will really change the world here. And make it cleaner too. Maybe an environmental group will support me on this.

In any case, that’s all I got today.

From someone who’s always trying to make the world a better place,
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss