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Freak Speak

Lance the Collie Ain’t Feelin’ Too Jolly

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Lance_with_hair_on_porchHumor Post #118 from the Blog of The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Middle School Curmudgeon, Dr. Crankenfuss
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No, this ain’t Dr. Crankenfuss at the left, guys. It’s Lance the Collie and he wanted to have his say, so I gave him this post. He needs your help bad. You tell ’em, Lance.

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Okay, here goes. Hey, my name is Lance Berenson and I live with Daniel. Many would call him my “owner” but as Dr. Crankenfuss would probably say, “I beg to differ.” He’s more like my enemy, at least right now. Read my poem and see who’s right and who’s wrong.

IT’S AIN’T FAIR, DAGNABBIT!
IT’S A NATURAL DOG HABIT!
by Lance the Collie

I got for you a shaggy dog story.
See me up there in my canine glory?
But I’ve been brought low and I ain’t to blame,
I’ve been saddled up with “The Cone of Shame.”

Lance_with_hair_on_porch
Do I look happy? My answer is NOT!
I’m lookin’ real stupid and my freedom’s shot,
I’m getting whacked by chairs and doors,
I’m writin’ APS; can’t take it no more.

Daniel tells me it’s for my health,
But all I was doin’ was lickin’ myself,
So I get hot spots and I’m a bit sore,
I can deal with that; I’ll just lick some more.

But Daniel carted me off to the vet
Who said this dumb coller’d be the end of it.
But it’s not right: life’s not the same,
I’m sulkin’ in the corner with my “Cone of Shame.”
Lance_with_hair_on_porch

I didn’t do nothin’; I was totally framed.
Help me get out of this “Cone of Shame.”

from Lance the Collie (who even appeared on YouTube here with my pal Rex and here doing a magic trick.)

Please leave your comments below. Maybe Daniel will listen. I doubt it, but I can pray for a miracle.

Freak Speak

A New UNCLE SAM POSTER for today’s times

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Humor Post #117 from The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, I gotta admit, I’m kinda tired lately. If I was using my usually far-out, intellectual vocabulary, I could say I was fatigued or uh… flagging, but I’m too tired to, so I’ll just say I’m pooped out. Oh, no, that doesn’t sound right either, especially if you’re one of those “Ha, ha, didn’t he just say poop?” kind of chuckleheads.

Well, there I go again. Off-topic, as usual. Okay, the reason I’m so enervated — Ha! I just found that one at THESAURUS.COM and it’s a very cool word because it sounds like it means the opposite of what it really means. Very tricky, dudes! — is that Daniel is going on like three hours of sleep a night. He’s been all involved in this LOVE THUG giveaway at Amazon and that’s okay and all, but it’s keeping me from my beauty rest too.

But I DID help Daniel come up with something to take his mind off all those numbers and networking. I gave him the idea for this new UNCLE SAM POSTER. It’s kinda how Daniel and I feel a lot of the time. We feel like we’re working so hard all the time, there’s no time for fun. So here’s the idea I gave him:
uncle_sam_work_till_you_die_poster_smaller
Pretty cool, huh! So even though we’re working hard, at least we came up with something good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

OUR RADIO AD FOR “LOVE THUG” (free this Wed-Fri, July 10-12)

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Okay, first off, if you’re here just for the radio ad, it’s at the bottom, okay? But then come back and get the lowdown on it. I’m worth it.

See,I’m Dr. Crankenfuss and I’m the ranting, raving, and rapping middle schooler who lives in Daniel Berenson’s head. (He’s the guy who runs FREAKY DUDE BOOKS.) It’s not that bad really cause there’s a lot of room up here and I like the freedom Daniel gives me. I often like to make fun of Daniel cause he’s kind of easy to make fun of, but today I’m here to praise Daniel, not to bury him.

See, Daniel has this book at Amazon called LOVE THUG. It’s a romantic comedy for kids. Yeah, you heard me right. And it’s funny too. They’ve even used it at schools in Raleigh and Durham, North Carolina. You can read all about it at its Amazon page. It’s got great reviews and everything.

But let me get to the good part. It’s FREE July 10-12 — that’s Wednesday through Friday — at Amazon. On those days, just go to its page, click on the Buy Button and it’s all yours. For absolutely nothing.

But even free books need good ads. That’s what gets people to check them out. So Daniel got on the computer and cooked up this radio ad. It’s really pretty good. (I always tell him he has a good face for radio.) He says next time he’ll get James Earl Jones to do the talking. I mean, when Darth Vader tells you to get something, you get it, right?

So here it is. Listen to it and on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, go get LOVE THUG at Amazon. It’ll be worth every penny you spend.

Freak Speak

DON’T BUY “LOVE THUG.” WHY NOT? BECAUSE IT’LL BE FREE ON WED-FRI (JULY 10-12)

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News from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Usually I refer to my posts as humor posts because, as you well know, they’re funny. Not this one! This one is serious and if you listen to me, you’ll save money. Not a whole lot, mind you. A whole $2.99. But that’s not chicken feed for someone my age. So get ready to get smart.

ATTENTION, ALL PEOPLE!
(And that means you too!)

DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!
DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!
DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!

Why not??? Because it’s going to be
FREE AT AMAZON JULY 10-12 (WED-FRI).

If you don’t know LOVE THUG, it’s a very funny book. You can read all about it at LOVE THUG’s page at Amazon. Check out those reviews. Read a few pages. That’s all it’ll take to convince you the book is worth every penny you’ll spend when it’s free. Now this is normally not an expensive book. Hey, a Big Mac costs more. But wouldn’t you rather get a Big Mac for free than paying for it?

I’ll say it again (in case you don’t read too good or have ADD like me).
On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, Daniel’s having a big sale.
LOVE THUG will be FREE on those days (July 10-12).
So hold off for a few days, then come to Amazon and get it for NOTHING!

And Daniel told me to tell you if you don’t like the book,
he’ll refund all the money you spent!

Funny guy, that Daniel.
NOT!

Just trying to help.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I’m Going to Set Up My Own Demolition Derby (or NASCAR event) in Durham

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Humor Post #116 from The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, it’s time for a change. Instead of hearing Crankenfuss rant about what’s wrong with things, today I’m going to show you (IN A VERY COOL VIDEO) something right. Right in the middle of Durham, NC, that is — that’s where I live. See there’s this railroad bridge that goes over a road. There are all kinds of signs and warnings leading up to the bridge. Why? Because the bridge is 11 feet 8 inches high. That’s kind of low for a bridge clearance. And lots of truck and rec vehicle owners don’t seem to know how tall the things they’re driving are. So BOOM, CRASH, SLASH, BANG!! about once a month a roof of one of these things get ripped off by the bridge. And here’s the video to prove it. It’s a mashup of a whole bunch of stuff from 11foot8.com, a website of Jurgen Henn, who set up two cameras to record people’s dumbicity.

CLICK HERE TO SEE DUMB DRIVERS GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.
WARNING: IT’S FUNNY AND GRUESOME AT THE SAME TIME.

How cool is that? It’s like the Darwin Awards for drivers. Hey, it’s not like drivers aren’t warned. There are signs and lights that start flashing if you vehicle is too tall. That doesn’t stop Mr. or Ms. Chucklehead though, does it?

“Why don’t they fix it?” you ask. Because it would cost MILLIONS of dollars and no one wants to pay it, that’s why. (You can read lots more details at 11foot8.com.)

Anyway, I’m thinking I could rent some space in front of this bridge. Set up some bleachers, ya know. Charge maybe $10 a head for people to sit there, sell them some hot dogs, ice cream, lemonade (hot chocolate in the winter) while they wait for the next big bang. I mean Durham doesn’t have NASCAR or a Demolition Derby, but this could be almost as good.

What do you think?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and the eye for making a bit of quick cash),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. Any investors out there?