Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Handshake Horror

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Humor Post #95 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Okay, it’s time to admit it. I have a great fear of handshakes. They’re not exactly as bad as running into someone with a gun, but they’re not far behind. See, I know what they’re for and how they’re supposed to work. Two bro’s spot each other in the hall, they’re all bonky with happiness cause they haven’t seen each other in like maybe a day, and they give that crosshand clasp thing (sort of like an arm wrestling position) which leads into some kind of hug. Or they do that and then add a finger grip or a slip away move to it. Or all three (or is it four?) Or maybe there’s a slap on the shoulder or back. And let’s not forget the option of a wiggly finger send-off.

Then there’s the problem of the pre-shake action. It can start when the two of you are maybe three or four feet apart. Do you come in with your right arm forward and your left arm way out to the side like you’re ready for a big, happy bear hug? I see  pro athletes do that all the time. But what if I do that and my friend doesn’t? I look like a jerk. Besides, I don’t think anyone even likes me enough to do that one.

And that’s just the start. Let’s see, the fist bump is okay. Well, the idea is okay, but how hard do you do it. If you give it too light, the other guy thinks you’re chicken. If you give it too hard, a fight could start. And what if the other guy puts his hand in a fist but then starts a top-and-bottom kind of fist bump, you know, a two-parter. Very tricky!

The old fashioned grown-up kind is easy, but not many people I know do that one. I read that the handshake was supposedly invented in the Dark Ages when it was supposed to show you didn’t have a weapon in your hand. You know, like two guys checking each other out. I guess they really needed that in the Dark Ages, seeing how dark it was and all. But if I try that on someone my age, it can look so dorky. Like I’m little Mr. Businessman or something.

High fives can be good. Unless you try one and the other person doesn’t and all they get is a nice view of your underarm. Or you end up hitting them in the face with your elbow. And some people say high fives are out. How they know beats me. But somehow they do.

And let’s not even go to what you’re supposed do with a girl.

This is a big problem, people, and it’s even bigger cause I think I might be the only guy who worries about it. Everyone else seems to enjoy handshakes (or greetings, or whatever they’re called). Most people seem to laugh or at least smile when they’re giving them. Me, I’ve gotten into trying to predict what the other guy is going to do and changing my motion really fast so he won’t notice I don’t have a clue.

Can’t there be just one kind of handshake for everybody? Why is the world so complicated? Why not just hold up a sign that says, “Yo dude, wuzzup?”

Well, all this honesty has gotten me in a funk. Till next time, I guess. If you see me, be nice and just wave or call out from across the hall.

Your Dude with no ‘Tude (today, anyway),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Seven Reasons why Blizzards are GOOD for you!

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Humor Post #93 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Oh, there’s a blizzard a comin’. I see it on all the news shows. And Crankenfuss knows cause he definitely keeps up on the news. It’s gonna be a whopper. Boston might get 2 FEET OR MORE of snow, New York City at least 6 inches. Everyone’s yelling that the sky’s about to fall — well, actually it IS, come to think about it — but anyway, get your supplies, get ready to be holed up for a while and not go anywhere. Power outages, impassable roads, you get the picture.

But Dr. Crankenfuss is here to tell you WHY BLIZZARDS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! Yep, you heard me right so look real hard at my list and see if you don’t agree just a teeny bit.

1) The news shows always tell you how many people died because of the storm. But they never tell you how many lives are SAVED because of the storm. How about all those people who would’ve died in traffic accidents? Crankenfuss ran the numbers till his little fingers were numb. Here’s the stats: about 40,000 people a year killed in auto accidents in the U.S. and about 1/6 of the people live in the northeast. So that’s almost 6700 deaths in the Northeast in a year. Horrible thought, isn’t it? Divide that by 52, I say, because it looks like this could be about a week of everyone driving way less (and at slower speeds). That’s 128 people who might have died in a week in the blizzard areas. I’m betting that number will be WAY DOWN.

2) Crime — The good doctor is also betting that crime will go down this next week. Easy to see why? What self-involved crook — and to be a crook, you definitely have to be into yourself — will risk freezing his fingers or some other extremity off to do some street crime. It’s just not worth it. They’ll be home trying to keep warm. And gang shootings should go down too. Lots of frozen trigger fingers out there.

3) Think of how family life will be so much cozier. Right now, most families have the kids playing their video games or watching tv, the parents doing their own thing. During a blizzard, everyone is brought closer. Maybe it’s because the power went out and you’re all huddled around that candle. Whatever. This is a chance for some real quality time, time to bond and learn all about each and love.

4) If you’re in a big city like New York, you’re probably sick of hearing all those car horns. Those are going to practically disappear for a while.

5) All you guys out there who aren’t the biggest fans of school will probably get a vacation from this. Hello, happiness!

6) Snow is fun, at least for a while. Now’s your chance to sled, ski, make an igloo, go mushing with your Pekingese through the neighborhood, make sno-cones, sommores, snow soup (cheap and easy to make), and all other sorts of holiday happies.

7) Yes, a bunch of businesses will be hurt by closing down. And that’s bad, I admit. But some places will make a killing. Hardware stores, Home Depot and Lowes, grocery stores, sled and snowmobile and snowshoe stores, pet shops that sell huskies.

Well, nuff said from your precocious purveyor of profound pearls of wisdom. (That one took me about two days to come up with.) So let’s turn our frowns upside down and welcome this blizzard.

P.S. If this turns out to be a real killer, I take all this back and reserve it for a not-so-bad storm. This post is really aimed at those nice, quiet blizzards. Hey, I’m trying to brighten your life with a bit of humor before all this mayhem happens, not have you come after me with a pitchfork like I’m Frankenstein. And I bet you don’t even have a pitchfork.

So that’s it
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Yay! We’re not running out of chicken wings! And some say the country’s going in the wrong direction. Not!

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Humor Post #91 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Luckily it looks like a major national crisis has been averted. First we barely escaped that Mayan apocalypse everyone in the world was talking about. Well, maybe it was everyone in the world minus about 7 billion people. But we still made it through unscathed. (Yes, you’re right. There’s another new Crankenfuss word. And why is it you hear “unscathed,” but never “scathed”?)

C’mon, Crankenfuss. Back to topic. Stay on topic. Oh yeah, and we managed to not fall off that fiscal cliff every news program was talking about for months, not that I ever understood what that was all about. For a while I always thought they were saying “physical cliff,” and I would think, Well, what other kind is there? An pretend cliff? And what would be so bad about falling off a pretend cliff. You’d only get pretend hurt. But then I found out the word was “fiscal.” So then I didn’t care anymore, cause even when I looked it up, it didn’t sound interesting.

Is Dr. C off topic AGAIN? Looks like it. Well, it’s like this. I really do have one thought after another. It’s just that none of them are connected.

Okay, okay, here it is. For a while, it looked like there might not be enough chicken wings for the Super Bowl. That would have been horrible. I’m sure all the players would have gone on strike, knowing what a national emergency there was. But now, that crisis is OVER!! Yay! That’s three in a row. The head of the National Chicken Council — I didn’t make that name up — says it was a mean rumor that there wouldn’t be enough chicken wings for all those dudes to chow down on while they’re cheering for their team, bits of chicken flying out of their mouths as they whoop it up. But I was thinking that how could there be a “head” of the National Chicken Council? Everybody knows chickens don’t have heads. I’ve seen scads of them in my time in all sorts of stores — well, food stores — and no chicken I see has a head. So that guy should really be called the Neck of the Chicken Council, doncha think? That’s as high up a chicken as you can go.

Now it’s time for me to take my meditation break. I keep repeating to myself, Stay on topic, Crankenfuss. Stay on topic, Crankenfuss. I’m up to three straight times before my mind starts to wander. I’m going for the “big four” today. Woo hoo!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. C

Freak Speak

Manti, your girlfriend was really sick. Ever think of visiting her?

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Humor Post #90 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This is a message to Manti Te’o from Dr. Crankenfuss:

You don’t know me from dog poo, but I’m just trying to work this out in my head, bro. Now I don’t know how smart you are, but I know you’re on the Notre Dame football team. That means, at the least, you understand your team’s playbook. Those things can get pretty complicated, I hear. You play on the defensive line. That means the the other team’s offense is trying to fool you all the time, you know, like faking handoffs and telling you your shoe laces are untied, stuff like that. You have a big coaching staff teaching you how to size up a situation, fast and accurately. You’re pretty good at your position. Good work! That means you’re no dummy.

You’re so good, in fact, that by the time you’re a senior, you’re the biggest star on the team. Lots of press, lots of attention. Lots of potential girl friends too. I’m only a kid, but I think that there would be plenty of girls who’d like to be associated with the team’s star. Heck, at the least, the TV shows would always be pointing them out in the stands. If they’re into attention, they’d be sure to get a lot of it.

Ah, but there’s a problem for them. You’ve had this long distance girlfriend for three years. You’re so in love with her, you’ve told your teammates and your dad about her. You’ve spent hundreds of hours on the phone with her.

But you’ve never met her!

You’ve never even tried to meet her very hard.

You’ve never Skyped with her or had a Facebook video chat.

Huh??

Even when she was in a horrible car accident, you didn’t try to go see her. What’s with that? Hey, you managed to get from Hawaii to Indiana, didn’t you? Couldn’t you have figured out some way to get to the bedside of the love of your life? Wouldn’t your dad or some relative have given you a plane ticket? And then she comes down with leukemia! She’s on the edge of death! Even then you don’t visit her. And when she dies, it seems like you make no effort to go to her funeral. Who would deny you that?

As someone famous once said, something is rotten in Denmark. And Notre Dame too. And it doesn’t take a crabby old cynic like Dr. Crankenfuss to figure this out.
I don’t know what happened here, but it sure ain’t what’s been said so far.

Come clean, bro. The truth shall set you free (and answer a lot of questions for Crankenfuss).

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

A very cool optical illusion — Prepare to be amazed

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Humor Post #89 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Dr. Crankenfuss makes up some incredible stuff, I would have to admit, but he didn’t come up with this one. I found it at this site called http://www.digi-graphics.com/

It’s an optical illusion and who doesn’t like those? Oh, I hear someone out there who’s saying, “I don’t.” Well, go somewhere else then. The rest of you stay.

Here it comes:

Optical illusion checkerboard at Freaky Dude Books
What's the difference in color between Square A and Square B?

So there it is. You see this checkerboard? (That’s a rhetorical question.) Tell me the difference between the color of Square A and Square B. It’s not a trick question.

So you want the answer? (Again, I know you do.)

THEY’RE THE EXACT SAME COLOR!

You going “Pshaw! No way they’re the same,” aren’t you?

Well, here’s the proof. I “clipped” the two squares and put them side by side. The proof is right under this line.
Optical Illustion Proof at Freaky Dude Books
And if you think it’s still a trick, I checked the “color code” for each box. THEY’RE BOTH #838383.

Pretty amazing, huh? So anyway, even though I could never have created such a genius trick, at least I was able to find it. Again, it’s at http://www.digi-graphics.com/

You can thank digi-graphics AND
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss