Tag Archives: weather

CRANKENFUSS’S GOT A WARNING AND IT’S ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

Humor Post #106 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Okay, it’s been maybe a couple weeks since I gave y’all one of my die-no-might poems. Many of you know — and the rest of the world should know — that I’m pretty decent when it comes to puttin’ together a poem, be it a rap or something a bit more regular. I have a hard time keeping them apart myself. I’ll let you judge what kind this one is. Just judge that it’s awesome, okay? And dudes, while you’re at it,
Go spread da word/ ‘Bout dis rare cranky bird/ He speaks da truth/ To all bangin’ youth./He knows where it’s at/Ain’t no doubt o’ that/ He soars da highest/ Cause he’s da flyest.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING
by Dr. Crankenfuss

The Earth is heatin’ up
The temps make record highs
The ocean’s much too warm
That leads to rising tides

The tides rush into streets
Buildings wash away
Peeps build sandbag walls
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach peeps got lots o’ problems
They want the Gov to cure ’em
The Gov ain’t got the answers
I’m glad I live in Durham

Our altitude’s 400 feet
Plenty high enough, that’s true
But if things start acceleratin’
I’ll have an ocean view

No way I’m stickin’ around
I’m puttin’ my theory to the test
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest

If she won’t go for that
There’s only one way to stay afloat
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Convertin’ our house to a boat

So that’s it for now, all your freaky dudes out there.
Here’s to rappin’ our way to da stars.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Seven Reasons why Blizzards are GOOD for you!

Humor Post #93 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Oh, there’s a blizzard a comin’. I see it on all the news shows. And Crankenfuss knows cause he definitely keeps up on the news. It’s gonna be a whopper. Boston might get 2 FEET OR MORE of snow, New York City at least 6 inches. Everyone’s yelling that the sky’s about to fall — well, actually it IS, come to think about it — but anyway, get your supplies, get ready to be holed up for a while and not go anywhere. Power outages, impassable roads, you get the picture.

But Dr. Crankenfuss is here to tell you WHY BLIZZARDS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! Yep, you heard me right so look real hard at my list and see if you don’t agree just a teeny bit.

1) The news shows always tell you how many people died because of the storm. But they never tell you how many lives are SAVED because of the storm. How about all those people who would’ve died in traffic accidents? Crankenfuss ran the numbers till his little fingers were numb. Here’s the stats: about 40,000 people a year killed in auto accidents in the U.S. and about 1/6 of the people live in the northeast. So that’s almost 6700 deaths in the Northeast in a year. Horrible thought, isn’t it? Divide that by 52, I say, because it looks like this could be about a week of everyone driving way less (and at slower speeds). That’s 128 people who might have died in a week in the blizzard areas. I’m betting that number will be WAY DOWN.

2) Crime — The good doctor is also betting that crime will go down this next week. Easy to see why? What self-involved crook — and to be a crook, you definitely have to be into yourself — will risk freezing his fingers or some other extremity off to do some street crime. It’s just not worth it. They’ll be home trying to keep warm. And gang shootings should go down too. Lots of frozen trigger fingers out there.

3) Think of how family life will be so much cozier. Right now, most families have the kids playing their video games or watching tv, the parents doing their own thing. During a blizzard, everyone is brought closer. Maybe it’s because the power went out and you’re all huddled around that candle. Whatever. This is a chance for some real quality time, time to bond and learn all about each and love.

4) If you’re in a big city like New York, you’re probably sick of hearing all those car horns. Those are going to practically disappear for a while.

5) All you guys out there who aren’t the biggest fans of school will probably get a vacation from this. Hello, happiness!

6) Snow is fun, at least for a while. Now’s your chance to sled, ski, make an igloo, go mushing with your Pekingese through the neighborhood, make sno-cones, sommores, snow soup (cheap and easy to make), and all other sorts of holiday happies.

7) Yes, a bunch of businesses will be hurt by closing down. And that’s bad, I admit. But some places will make a killing. Hardware stores, Home Depot and Lowes, grocery stores, sled and snowmobile and snowshoe stores, pet shops that sell huskies.

Well, nuff said from your precocious purveyor of profound pearls of wisdom. (That one took me about two days to come up with.) So let’s turn our frowns upside down and welcome this blizzard.

P.S. If this turns out to be a real killer, I take all this back and reserve it for a not-so-bad storm. This post is really aimed at those nice, quiet blizzards. Hey, I’m trying to brighten your life with a bit of humor before all this mayhem happens, not have you come after me with a pitchfork like I’m Frankenstein. And I bet you don’t even have a pitchfork.

So that’s it
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss