Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

This post is for people who like math AND Italian food

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Humor Post #88 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I didn’t make this up, but it’s too good not to pass on.

If “a” is the area of a circle, and “z” is the radius…

well, then,
pi * z * z = a

(Remember, if you’ve forgotten your middle school math, an asterisk means TIMES.)

That’s it, the shortest post by Crankenfuss ever.

You can stop your cheering now.

Oh yeah, BTW, Daniel’s new books are now out at Apple and B&N. Should be on Amazon this week. Two Moose Joke Books and a literary novel released in the same month! Woo hoo!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Google Glass is where it’s at and where it’ll be

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Humor Post #87from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Oh yes, the future is here now. Can’t wait to get my Google Glass. I’ve written about it before but here’s a video (from Google) that shows how it’ll work:

See it’ll do everything a smart phone does, but it’ll be smarter cause you don’t have to keep anything in your pocket and you won’t have to look down all the time to check out, for example, how many people have unfriended you on Facebook today.

And yeah, they do look a little dorky, I guess, but by the time they get big, dorky will definitely be where it’s at. And just like eyeglasses led to contacts, maybe Google Glass will lead to Googletacts (thought Googletax looks cooler in print, doncha think?)

It’s too bad I probably won’t be able to afford these things for awhile. I’m having a hard srounging up burger money lately. But in tech, everything gets cheaper every year so maybe by the time I’m 18 or so, these will be like everywhere.

Yeah, I know it’s unusual to see Crankenfuss positive about something. But it’s hard not to get all wound up about this. And it’s definitely more fun than doing homework. Which I keep putting off. Ye-c-c-h-h!

Till later.

Your Dude with the’Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Help! It’s the end of the world! NOT!!

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Humor Post #85 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

As many of you know, today (December 21, 2012) is the last day of our existence. The end of the world! Yep, that’s what a bunch of people have been yelling about since they heard about the Mayan calendar. Not that these people know squat about the Mayan calendar. Of course these same people — I use the term loosely — probably can’t tell you how to spell February, which is on our own calendar. They probably think the Mayan calendar was invented by Maya Rudolph from Saturday Night Live or somebody like that.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that they’re IDIOTS!! That’s with a capital exclamation mark! In fact anyone who predicts the end of the world with a specific date in mind is A IDIOT! (Grammar mistake intended.) Here’s how I know. The end of the world has been predicted so many times, it would be hard to count them. Guess what percentage of those predictions came true. That’s right — ZERO.

And do you think those people feel any shame at being stupid at predicting things? Naw, most of them just try to explain why they were off just by a bit and then they predict the next end of the world. How do they ever feel right about predicting anything again, including the date of their first decent idea, since they missed on the biggest bet of their lives?

So congratulations to all of you out there who try to figure out the exact date or year of the apocalypse! Dr. Crankenfuss has already figured out the exact day you became a knuckle-dragging poop-for-brains being. It was the day you were born.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

TWO EXPRESSIONS AND ONE WORD THAT STICK IN MY CRAW (BESIDES THAT ONE)

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Humor Post #83 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows that Dr. Crankenfuss gets annoyed at a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean he’s wrong, does it? Here’s just three things I heard today that rub me the wrong way. (Which makes me think, What’s the right way to rub me? How about a nice massage by a beauticious babe? The wrong way? Maybe with 20 grit sandpaper or worse, with razors.

Anyway, back to other things we say that should be examined:

1. “It remains to be seen whether. . . “ I hear this on TV when supposedly smart people are talking about the future. Hello, supposedly smart person! Everything in the future remains to be seen! How does this phrase add to anything?

2. “That’s like comparing apples to oranges.” People say this when they mean that one thing is NOT like another and therefore you can’t consider them similar. Once again, HELLO! Apples and oranges are way more similar than they are different.They’re practically the same! They’re both fruits, they both are good for you, they both have seeds, they both show up in my lunch fairly regularly if my mom packs it, and neither one of them makes very good toilet paper even in an emergency. How about comparing apples to Uranus? Not much similar about them. Okay, they’re both round. And yes, the pun was intended. Okay then, here’s a better one: That’s like comparing apples to algebra. You like that better?

3. My mom looked out the window today and said, “What a downpour!” Of course, her wonderful son couldn’t let that go by without acting like the wise guy he is. “As opposed to what?” I said, “An up pour.” Ooh, I thought that was pretty good. She didn’t. That’s why I’m up here in my room writing this instead of watching football on TV.

Have a great rest of the weekend. I’m just trying to figure out how to get any kind of weekend now.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Holed up in his Man Cave,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Football stats are great. Except for the ones that are stupid.

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Humor Post #81 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

The many millions of people (and maybe some of the non-people) who read this blog know Dr. Crankenfuss likes sports,  especially the NFL this time of year.  And what’s a better way to work off 40,000 calories of Thanksgiving food than by parking your big tush in front of the TV and watching a great NFL game? Well that’s what the Crank was ready for last night. He watched some of the New England – NY Jets game. It was close — for one quarter, that is. Then New England scored 35 points in the second quarter — yeah, you read that right… 35 points! — and my interest went down just a bit. I mean, I like New England, but it was like watching hunters shooting baby deer. Gruesome. I fell asleep soon after the second half began.

So I looked up the write-up of the game at ESPN this morning and guess what I found. THE STATISTICS FOR THE GAME DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE! Well, most of them anyway.

“What does that ADHD barely-a-teenager know about football?” you’re probably saying. Okay, I’ll show you. The final score was New England 49 — Jets 19. A slaughter, right? But when I checked out the numbers at ESPN, what you see doesn’t show any kind of massacre. Look down a little on the right of the page and let’s peruse — ooh, another cool word I just learned — those stats.
First downs — Both teams had 25.
Total plays — Both teams had 67.
Total yards — 475 to 405 for New England
Total drives — 14 to 11 for New York
Passing — Brady of New England was 18 for 28, but Sanchez of NY was 26 for 36
Time of possession — 30 1/2 minutes for NY, 29 1/2 minutes for New England

You get what I’m sayin’, people? No way these stats show you how bad NY got their faces rubbed in it. Yes, they’re all true, but the most important stat by far is TURNOVERS: New York had 5 and New England had 1. And New England ran two fumbles back for touchdowns. So that “Time of possession” number a few lines up is kind of useless. Heck, in the second quarter, New England had the ball for only 2:14 and scored 35 points! Where can you find that it those oh-so-official stats? I’ll tell you. You can’t!

So Dr. Crankenfuss proposes a new statistic. RETURN YARDAGE. Not just for kickoff and punt returns. It will include all the yards a team gets from running back fumbles, interceptions, punts, and kickoffs, and that statistic will be part of the TOTAL YARDS number. (There are a few tweaks still needed, like how to take off for a guy’s No-No-Please-No! kickoff return from the end zone to the 10-yard line, or another super-key stat I’ll call BONEHEAD PLAYS, but no time here for all that.)

This new way of showing the truth will be called the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM. It’s still evolving, but at least when fans look at the numbers, it’ll be easy to see how New England beat the Jets by 30 points when so many of the old, stupid stats just don’t show it.

And yeah, I know fantasy football fanatics might already keep some of these stats. At least with the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM, the numbers will be easy to find.

Signing off. Peace out. Word! Uh, till next time, it’s
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss