Tag Archives: Freaky Dude Books

How my Rainbow Head Kept Me from Being Dead/ P.S. VOICES’ Reviews Are Great News

December 8, 2014 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #148 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger —

You like how I look today? I thought so. But there’s a reason for it, and it probably saved my life. See, it was school spirit day and I bought this rainbow head wig online — my mom was so happy — to show my school spirit. It has red in it, so I figured it would be perfect since our school colors are red and white. To get the white, I wore a white shirt and hey, my skin’s sort of pasty and white, so there you go. Mr. School Spirit!

So I’m walking down the hall between classes, all full of myself, and this tall — and I do mean TALL, he must have been on the basketball team (for college!) — guy cuts in front of me and I trip over my own shoes and almost fall. “Nice move, cigarette head!” I said, referring to his l-o-n-n-g-g lanky head. Under my breath, I thought.

WRONG! He heard me and picked me up off the ground by my shoulders and put me against the wall. “You say something, punk?” he asked (and not sweetly either).

“No, no,” I protested. “I was praising you. I said, ‘Nice move to to get ahead.’ He thought for a second and let me down. “Okay,” he said, “but don’t try any funny stuff with me, okay?”

I had no trouble agreeing with him.

Now how this rainbow wig will save me is this. As soon as this was over, I ducked into the bathroom and took it off. He probably won’t recognize me without it. And he probably didn’t see my shirt (with my super-cool slogan on it) because he was looking me straight in the face. Believe me, I know, because our eyes never went away from each other.

See, school is full of education AND adventure. My education for the day was to promise myself to keep the insults that come from my mouth away from the ears of dangerous guys. Best lesson I had all day, maybe all month.

Glad to be alive,
Your Dude with the more careful ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

******************************************************

VOICES: AN OWNER’S GUIDE TO THE ADOLESCENT MIND keeps getting amazing reviews at Amazon! (If you had books like this assigned to you at school, you’d be enjoying school a lot more, I promise you that.) Every poem rhymes, every poem makes sense without the teacher having to explain it to you, every poem relates to YOU — what makes you happy, what scares you, what makes you feel most any way you do. And every poem is meant for you to perform, you know you’re a real actor! Check it out. You’ll see!

That’s it
My message is done
Now I’ll go back
And eat that onion.

Dr. C

Freak Speak

Ebola is not the worst/ Another germ will kill us first

November 19, 2014 daniel Leave a comment

Post #146 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger–

Ooh, I’m gonna get some hate on this one. That’s okay. I can take it, especially when I’m right. Now I’m not saying I want this to happen. I’m just saying that if we all use the same type of thinking that’s gone on with Ebola, this is what we should do.

Ebola had the whole country in a panic for a while. It was on TV all the time. You don’t hear much about it now. Thankfully there have been very few deaths and as far as I know, NOT ONE Ebola patient spread the disease to anyone aside from the nurses who were closely working with them. Not to their families, not to their friends, not to anyone who came near them. The doctors on TV must have been right. Ebola isn’t so easy to catch, unless you’re handling a patient’s vomit or diarrhea. (Sorry to be so gross.)

But everyone still wanted to quarantine anyone who’d even been to West Africa even if they weren’t showing any symptoms.

Fair enough. Maybe that plan helped. At least a lot of people would say it did.

But if we really want to save a lot of lives — and I mean A LOT OF LIVES — we should be quarantining a different group of people. At this website I read that 36,000 Americans die from FLU every year. 36,000?? OMG! And everyone knows it’s easy to catch the flu from somebody who has it. You don’t have to get near those “bodily fluids.” All that needs to happen is they cough or sneeze near you and BOOM, you could actually die!.

So couldn’t we save thousands of lives every year if we quarantined people who had the flu? Yeah, I know it would be practically impossible to make that happen, and people would riot if the government made it happen, but if it did, a lot of people would be alive next year who will definitely die from flu this year.

Think about it. In the meantime, my Mom made me get a flu shot.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
a guy who’s just told ya’
how to fight a disease
that could be worse than Ebola

Freak Speak

Dr. Crankenfuss’s Mean, Horrible, Stupid Day

November 7, 2014 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #145 from Dr. Crankenfuss, (Usually) The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger (but not today) –

This was a bad day.
There’s no getting around it.
It’s lucky I can barely find my head
Because I need to pound it.

I usually try to act all awesome and cool like I know what I’m doing. This is not always the case. In fact, it’s only true a fraction of the time and I’m not naming the fraction. I’m mad at myself and pretty embarrassed. Today I couldn’t get anything write. (See??)

Here’s what happened:

First off, my English teacher had me hand out some essays that had been graded. Not too bad. It’s not like I could see anyone’s grade. The teacher puts the grades on the back page. Smart teacher. But it does kind of show the teacher thinks I can read people’s names and that I know who people are, which I guess is a compliment.

Well, I couldn’t. There were at least four names I didn’t recognize. A few times I gave paper to the wrong people and they like almost threw the papers back at me. One guy said, “Can’t you read, doofus?” Anyway, I had to give back a few papers to the teacher and I felt kind of stupid. It turned out that all the mystery people were almost always quiet in class and didn’t raise their hands much to ever answer anything, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It really means that I need to notice other people more, doesn’t it?

So on the way to lunch, I decided to be nice and open one of those swinging doors for a friend. The door opened okay. It’s just that I whacked someone to my left who wasn’t looking. I almost got beat up because this dude was way bigger than me. Lucky he wasn’t in too bad a mood cause I could have been whacked (for real).

Finally in gym, we had to run five laps to warm up. That shouldn’t have been too hard. Guess again. I hadn’t tied my shoelaces and I tripped over my own feet. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The gym teacher came over to make sure I was okay and then said he’d have to put me in the “fitness protection program.” Ha, ha! Everyone’s a comedian especially when I’m the joke.

So now I’m home and I’m kind of scared to leave my room. No telling what I might do — stub my toe on a dust bunny? Get up from the computer with my headphones still on and send me or my computer flying? I mean, the day’s not over yet. There’s plenty more bad stuff that could happen.

Maybe I’ll just go to bed early. Like 5:00.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
the knucklehead
who shoulda stayed in bed

Freak Speak

Something stupid we don’t need: the 2-minute warning in football

October 19, 2014 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #144 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

This will be a pretty short Crankenfuss post. Okay, you can stop with the cheering and let me talk. Here it is:
What’s with the two-minute warning in pro football? Why do coaches and players have to be told there are two minutes left in a half? Is there anyone on the team or in the stands that doesn’t know how much time is left? Only the ones who can’t read a digital clock.

College and high school games don’t have a two-minute warning. So how come pros need one. Are they dumber? Well, here’s the real reason: It gives the TV network an extra two minutes to stick in some commercials. And you know that fans need these commercials. That’s because we’ve hardly seen any up until that time. NOT!

Aren’t football games long enough already? To play 60 minutes takes around 3 1/2 hours!

Okay, I looked it up and it’s even worse than that. Out of the 3 1/2 hours, only 11 minutes actually has any action. All the rest is replays, commercials, guys standing around in huddles, shots of fans with their shirts off and covered with paint and going “B-l-a-a-a-ah!,” and so on. If you don’t believe me, here’s where I found my info.

Enough already.

So let’s start by getting rid of that ridiculous two-minute warning and then maybe go next to the five minutes it takes between a score and when the other team starts their offense. I know I’ll have a hard time living without those ads with guys acting totally stupid while they try to sell me beer, but I think I can survive that.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
a guy who likes football,
so he’d actually like to see some of it

Freak Speak

Who has the cutest babies? Spoiler alert: It’s not humans.

August 29, 2014 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Post #143 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Today I have a poem for you. Some of you will probably be offended by it. Hey, I’m used to that. Lots of stuff I say gives people a headache. I exaggerated the title, of course, to get your attention. I don’t really think that way. (I gotta keep up this cranky image, you know.) But give this a good look and see if you don’t agree with the conclusion (even if you don’t want to admit it). Also, feel free to send your response to that survey at the end. Many thanks.

UGLY BABY
by Dr. Crankenfuss

I know this poem’s gonna make people hate on me,
Especially mamas showin’ off their babes to me.
They think cause it’s theirs, the kid’s somehow magical,
But to think they’re all cute is just not logical.
I know this next fact will cause parental damage,
But by definition, folks, half your kids are below average.

It must be a girl thing, fussing over babies,
And I know life’s a miracle. Hey, I’m not crazy!
But I suspect lots of people are only being dutiful
When they see a newborn and coo, “Oh, she’s so beautiful.”
Cause I’ve seen lots of babies and with some you can be smitten,
But few can compare to your average little kitten.

We’re supposed to be life’s highest form
But we don’t look so good soon after we’re born.
Compared to prancing puppies and hopping haby goats,
If I’m surfin’ through YouTube, I know which way I vote.
It’s a Roomba riding kitty,
A bear cub on a bike,
A doggie on a surfboard.
Little critters? What’s not to like?

So when it comes to babies,
Humans have a ways to go.
Compared to other species,
We fall a bit below.
I’ll give you a good example
And then you’ll plainly see:
I was an ugly baby
And now look at me!

**********

Now, how about giving me your opinion? Who has the cutest babies: humans, dogs, cats, goats, meercats, dolphins, something else? You decide. By the way, to show I’m not totally anti-human, check out that one-year-old boy playing the drums on YouTube. I’m not kidding. It’s unbelievable! It doesn’t get much better than that!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss