Tag Archives: humor

Freak Speak

Truckee, California? Really? Ooh, Ima make me some money!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #84 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching the news the other night — Hey, don’t laugh. That’s how I keep on my intellectual toes — and they were talking about flooding problems they were having in this place called Truckee, California. And I was thinking — again, hey don’t laugh! — what kind of name is Truckee? Is it like there were a lot of guys with trucks who lived near each other and they wanted to start a town so they named it Truckee? Does that mean there’s another place named for cars?

And then it hit me.

(That reminds me of a joke I have to tell you. I can’t take credit for it but it’s the kind of joke I could’ve made up if only I’d thought of it. So here it is. I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.)

Anyway, back to the topic. What was it? Oh yeah, a city named for cars.

I live in Durham, NC. About 20 miles away there’s a town — actually it’s almost as big as Durham, so really it’s a city — called Cary (pronounced like the girl’s name Carrie, you know, like that chick who went all postal when her classmates dumped pig blood on her and she was making knives zing through the air and everyone’s bodies and then her hand reached out of the grave and aw… just rent the thing, okay?). I never thought of it till now. Maybe when it started, it was named for cars. (It’s a pretty new city so that IS possible.) I mean, it’s a really well-off place. Nice and pretty. They don’t even have power poles and wires all over the place because they put them all underground. So I figure the average family there probably has three or four cars.

Ta dah!! Cary.

So now we have Truckee. We have Cary. What’s next — Vanny, Bussy, Hybridee, Hatchbackee, Trainee, Planey? Hey, there is a Plano, Texas, isn’t there?

Anyway, here’s what Dr. Crankenfuss is doing for the next few hours. Dr. Crankenfuss is gettin’ his butt over to GoDaddy and — if my Mom sees the genius of this idea — registering the names of every town he can think of that comes from a kind of transportation. Okay, I’m not going for Tricyclee, but there’s lots of possibilities. And when someone wants to start a new city with that idea, they’ll have to come to you-know-who so they can have a city website.

Wish me luck on convincing my mom? She’s not always so keen on my perfecto plans.

Anyone feel like moving to Hatchbackee? That’s my favorite so far.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

TWO EXPRESSIONS AND ONE WORD THAT STICK IN MY CRAW (BESIDES THAT ONE)

Leave a comment

Humor Post #83 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows that Dr. Crankenfuss gets annoyed at a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean he’s wrong, does it? Here’s just three things I heard today that rub me the wrong way. (Which makes me think, What’s the right way to rub me? How about a nice massage by a beauticious babe? The wrong way? Maybe with 20 grit sandpaper or worse, with razors.

Anyway, back to other things we say that should be examined:

1. “It remains to be seen whether. . . “ I hear this on TV when supposedly smart people are talking about the future. Hello, supposedly smart person! Everything in the future remains to be seen! How does this phrase add to anything?

2. “That’s like comparing apples to oranges.” People say this when they mean that one thing is NOT like another and therefore you can’t consider them similar. Once again, HELLO! Apples and oranges are way more similar than they are different.They’re practically the same! They’re both fruits, they both are good for you, they both have seeds, they both show up in my lunch fairly regularly if my mom packs it, and neither one of them makes very good toilet paper even in an emergency. How about comparing apples to Uranus? Not much similar about them. Okay, they’re both round. And yes, the pun was intended. Okay then, here’s a better one: That’s like comparing apples to algebra. You like that better?

3. My mom looked out the window today and said, “What a downpour!” Of course, her wonderful son couldn’t let that go by without acting like the wise guy he is. “As opposed to what?” I said, “An up pour.” Ooh, I thought that was pretty good. She didn’t. That’s why I’m up here in my room writing this instead of watching football on TV.

Have a great rest of the weekend. I’m just trying to figure out how to get any kind of weekend now.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Holed up in his Man Cave,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

THE MOOSE HAVE BEEN LOOSED!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #82 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Somebody once said, “There is nothing new under the sun.” Well, besides the fact that this dude was wrong — hey, I just watched the Giants crush Green Bay Sunday night and that was new — HE WAS REALLY WRONG! There is something like totally new under the sun ready to make its appearance. You know, like no one’s every heard of it or thought of it before. That would be Daniel Berenson’s books of MOOSE JOKES. Notice that the word “book” is plural. He’s publishing two of them in the next couple weeks, but to get a sneak look at what’s coming, he and Maureen (his girlfriend who does so much work and gets so little credit) have put out a preview on the new Moose Jokes page at FDB (that would be Freaky Dude Books).

So check ’em out and see what you think. Daniel says they’re kind of like elephant jokes, which apparently were kind of big back in ancient times, but he says people like moose a lot more than elephants and their breath isn’t as bad.

Yeah, I know. I don’t get everything he says either even though he’s like my bro and all. But I have to say he tries.

Talk to you again soon as Daniel lets me know something that I think’s worth hearing.

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Man dies from eating cockroaches? That’s just like Daniel’s Freaky Dude Book! Really!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #79 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This is a sad story I’m about to tell: A man ate too many cockroaches and worms and he died. It’s true, I swear. You can read about it right here. It happened in the last day or two. According to the story, those who met this guy considered him to be “the life of the party.” Life of the party? What kind of party would that be? Just the kind of party you ladies out there would like to go to, no?

Anyway, I guess it’s sad and all that this dude died, but how many days could he have had left on this Earth with an attitude like that? I mean, can anyone honestly say, “Oh, it’s so sad he died. He had so much to live for.”? Like what — the gator wrestling contest he had lined up for next week?

But what’s really ironic is that Daniel’s first book for Freaky Dude Books — that would be Daniel Berenson’s STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK — has as its first story the adventure of a guy who has to eat a two-inch cockroach. Live! Does he end up like the guy in the article above? Well, you can actually find out since Apple published the whole story at the iBookstore if you look up that title there. Amazon was a bit “cheaper” cause they only give you about 2/3 of the story for free. But if you want to see how life imitates art, you can check out the book at the iBookstore or at Amazon by clicking here.

In the meantime, you might want to follow one of Dr. Crankenfuss’s main pieces of advice: Don’t eat anything that will kill you.

As always, just trying to help.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. There’s this site about people who do dumb things like this. It’s called The Darwin Awards. OMG!! I just checked it out again to be sure I had the right address and just watched this idiot make himself fall down an elevator shaft. He just missed getting on the elevator and the doors closed too soon. He rams his wheelchair into the doors a couple times, busts through, and falls to his death. Sick, sick, sick. That’s me I’m talking about. I feel like I just ate a cockroach.

Freak Speak

Baseball Managers Fake It Almost As Much As Pro Wrestlers

Leave a comment

Humor Post #73 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching ESPN’s Sports Center the other night and they had this great video collection of baseball managers blowing up at umpires. There were a lot of red-faced conniptions going on, but some took it way farther than that. Kicking dirt on the umps, throwing bats, tearing bases out of the ground, you name it, they were doing it. There’s this guy Wally Backman on some Georgia team who is famous on YouTube for having a mouth dirtier than a bus station bathroom. I’d put the link here but I don’t want to get in trouble with any parents who might be reading this. They could sic the cops on me for corrupting minors or something.

Anyway, near the end of this ESPN show — and I have to say it was pretty hilarious —  Crankenfuss had a brainstorm. Mightier than a hurricane, you can be sure. Here it is. I’m almost positive the managers are mostly acting!! You know, like pro wrestlers. Now I know a lot of people think wrestling is real, but there are a lot of people out there who claim Elvis sings to them at night. Live!! Folks, the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it. Anyway, even the wrestlers admit they’re faking it, at least some of them. Oh, I don’t doubt they get hurt. (Getting belted in the head by a chair would cause a little discomfort, don’t ya think?) It’s obvious they’re super tough. It’s just that they know who’s going to win ahead of time. I mean if someone stomped on your neck with all his weight, I think they’d have to peel your neck off the mat. But those guys get that done to them all the time and they don’t die. They always seem to keep on fighting.

In a word, wrestlers E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–E everything. They exaggerate their moves, their pain, their anger, their meanness toward each other. If they did’t, how could they go to the same locker room after a brutal match and not kill each other back there?

The Crank is getting off topic again. Too much chocolate or ADHD, one or the other. Back to baseball managers and their E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–I–O–N–S. How come it’s only baseball bosses who go nuts like that? I watch tons of sports. I never see a football coach throw a football at a referee’s or get up his face, spit flying out of this mouth. Or how about basketball coaches. They wear zillion dollar suits, at least in the pros, and act very professionally. If they say something nasty and the ref hears it, they get hit with a technical foul and the other team gets free throws. In other words, their team GETS HURT when they act up. NOT IN BASEBALL. Nothing happens to the team at all when the manager throws a hissy fit.

Warning alert: New Crankenfuss brainstorm. It probably all starts with the fact that baseball managers dress up in baseball uniforms. How stupid is that? Do basketball coaches dress in shorts and sneakers? Football coaches in helmets and pads? Gimme a break! The managers are already playing make-believe so they just take it all the way. Now I admit I could be wrong about this, amazing as that sounds. I’ll admit it when you show me another sport where the managers/coaches do the same type stuff as often as those baseball guys.

Until then Dr. Crankenfuss thinks there’s something very fishy about those whacked out managers. Maybe there should be some kind of acting award for those performances.

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
The Doctor