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Freak Speak, Uncategorized

The Olympics are very cool. Except for when they make horses wear dresses.

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Humor Post #70 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

All, right, it’s Olympic time. Crankenfuss likes the Olympics. Sports and lots of them, lots of good stories about the athletes, and you even learn some history about jolly ol’ England. I like to swim and already those muscled swimmers make most adults I know look like little wussies. And I’m talking just about the lady swimmers. The men are even more awesome. Someday they ought to have some normal guy walking alongside the pool while the swimmers compete so everyone would get a sense of how fast those dudes are motoring through the water. I got out my trusty calculator and figured out that in the 100 meter freestyle they’re doing around 12 1/2 minutes miles, which ain’t that fast. IF YOU’RE RUNNING, THAT IS. But try walking a mile in 12 1/2 minutes. Man, you’ll be bookin’.

Anyhoo, I like a lot of the Olympics. But hey, I wouldn’t be Crankenfuss if I couldn’t find some stuff to whine about so here it comes:

THE OLYMPICS HAVE A BUNCH OF SILLY SPORTS!

Yeah, that’s right. Some sports are way more equal than the others. Let’s say you win the Olympic marathon. Man that’s over 26 miles and what’s worse is to win, you have to beat the east Africans and I have to believe they’ve been running since they escaped from their cribs when they were about three days old. I know they test for steroids, but with those guys they should test for pony genes too.

So anyway you win the marathon. You get a gold medal. And so does the guy who wins the race walk. Yeah, I know it’s like 20 kilometers long, but dude, it’s still walking! Who came up with this thing? “Well, everyone likes running,” they said, “so why don’t we include walking for the people who aren’t so great at running?” Huh?? Why not crawling? Or how about crab walking? Or rolling down a hill? Why aren’t those in the Olympics too?

And then there’s equestrian dressage. It’s a horse competition. From the name, apparently the horses come out in dresses and they get judged. Isn’t that more a Project Runway thing? Horse dressage — gimme a break!

And there are a bunch of sports that seem to exist only for the Olympics. Like rhythmic gymnastics for example. Here’s a link to a cool YouTube video showing a bunch of the stuff they do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBWwm2Wysb8 Yeah, it’s pretty amazing and I could never do it — not that I’d want to, you understand — but people, this is not really a sport, is it? I mean twirling around a baton or bouncing a ball way up in the air or dancing with a long piece of crepe paper? Why not just have a competition for high school bands along with the majorettes doing baton twirling? Or we should have juggling competitions. Yeah, that would be cool, wouldn’t it? All the best jugglers in the world juggling, say,  three balls, a razor-sharp sword, a great white shark, and a baby or two. It would be amazing if they could just keep the baby (or babies) alive. That would get the viewers glued to the tv, I bet.

I’m outta time here. And I have so much more to say. But I gotta run so I’ll continue this in the next couple days.

In the meantime, stick with the real sports and let the silly sports slide.

from Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

You want to go on a plane trip? Fine, you can have the one I just suffered through.

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Humor Post #69 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been way too long since I posted last, but it’s not my fault, really it’s not. Daniel hasn’t put up anything I’ve sent him because he says he’s too busy writing Moose stuff. Moose stuff? What in the world? Since when are moose more important that Dr. Crankenfuss? Anyway, I’ve sent him three posts and he says he’ll get them up this week. “Just give me time,” he says. Yeah, well, it’s time already.

Okay, here goes. Now I know it says Humor Post #69 up at the top, but there’s no humor in this post. Only justified rage. (See picture at above left.) Yep, that’s how I felt after my 3-day trip to New York City. The trip itself was great. We were visiting my cousin in Brooklyn and I had a good time. She’s way too cool. Went up the Empire State Building, visited the Statue of Liberty, and best of all, went to a Yankees game! But that’s the good stuff. I’m here to rant. And I have good reason to after those plane trips.

Like on the way up, they treated my mom like she was a hijacker or something. She had just bought a big bottle of aerosol sunscreen and the security people confiscated it because it was over 4 ounces or something like that. $12 down the toilet. Boy, was she mad. If she had brought a suitcase along, she could have packed it there, but all we had were overnight bags because we didn’t want to get stuck with a $50 charge for two suitcases. So we had to cram everything into something that would fit in the overhead lockers.

Except for that, the trip was okay. The trip from Raleigh to NYC, that is.

New York City, as I said, was fun and great. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about the Hades we lived through on the way back. See, we got to the airport around 4:00 for a 5:30 flight just to make sure nothing wrong would happen. Yeah, like that helped. The boarding went okay. We were on American Airlines. Then we got ready to take off. We’re like seventh in line and then they send us back to where we started. The pilot came on and said because there was a thunderstorm in Raleigh, we had to wait. So we did wait in that plane, which was starting to get stale, you know. After another half hour or so, they made up get off the plane. Crap! Well, storms in Raleigh usually don’t last very long. We’d only have to wait a while, Mom said. We trudged back into the airport, sat there 10 minutes and an announcement came on and told us to call an 800 number to make new arrangements. They wouldn’t help us where we were; we had to do it ourselves. So Mom called and they gave her all sorts of stupid advice, like “You can take a plane from Kennedy Airport that’s leaving in 20 minutes.” Yeah, except we were at LaGuardia. How were we supposed to get to another airport in that time? Then they tell her there’s a US Air flight leaving in another part of the airport in a little while. So we rush all over the place — that airport is HUGE — to get there and find out when we do get there that we’re too late. All that trouble for nothing. And the US Air people tell us we could have stayed back at American because they had flight leaving at 9:30. Hey, American never told us that! If we hadn’t listened to their advice to go over to US Air, we could have gotten seats on the 9:30 plane. So we go all the way back to American and guess what. Now that’s plane’s sold out, that’s what. So now we’re tired, mad, and hungry. And still in New York.

Long story, right? Okay, the ending is we never got on any flight that night and we had to go all the way back to Brooklyn to stay with our cousin and we had to come back the next morning to FINALLY get a flight to Raleigh. Seemed like half our trip was spent in the airport.

My Grandpa says when he was a kid, flying was fun. They gave you good food and you didn’t even have to pay $6 or $10 or whatever it is they charge now. It came free with your ticket. Wow, what a concept. All I know is next time, we might think about walking to New York. Yeah, we could take our car, but you know what they charge for parking in New York? I could go to college for that.

So Crankenfuss has a warning for all you out there. Just be happy where you are and make all your relatives visit YOU. Or, you can just be incredibly rich, have your own plane, and just jet around to your heart’s delight.

Easy enough. I should have thought of that back before my trip.

Anyway, talk to you very soon again (if Daniel gets his head out of that moose mess he’s in).

from Dr. Crankenfuss,
Your Dude with the Tude

Freak Speak

You Always Hurt the One You Love. Just look what this guy did to Tiger Woods.

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Humor Post #67 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Please everyone, before we start… Go check out the menu above for this site. See the link just after “Home”? What a thing of beauty that is, don’t you think? Dr. Crankenfuss’s Blog. Makes you appreciate what a great country you live in, doesn’t it?

Anyway, here’s a short and sad story. It’s the story of a dude who really likes Tiger Woods. So he goes and buys a ticket to see Tiger at the U.S. Open. (FYI, that’s one of the biggest and hardest tournaments there is. It’s a high class tournament in a beautiful place.) Now, say the guy lives near San Francisco. Well then, he can go see Tiger for somewhere around $200-300 for one round cause they played the tournament near San Francisco. At least that’s as close as I could figure it out from my incredibly thorough web research. Of course, then there’s probably $50 for parking, but we won’t mention that. If he has to fly in, ooh, that’s way more for the flight and the hotel, the meals, all those souvenirs like the life-sized blow-up doll of Tiger, and lots of other cool stuff.

So he wants Tiger to see him, to really notice him, ya know, so Tiger will remember him and appreciate what a great fan he is. So he dresses in a way that’s hard for Tiger to miss. A way that truly honors his hero.

This is a guy who gets to vote? And they won't let kids vote? (This picture came from Reuters.)

Yep, that’s right. He dresses up in a tiger suit. Now this isn’t some six-year-old getting ready for Halloween. It’s an ADULT MAN who gets to vote and to drive and probably has a job and responsibilities and the ability to fork out a bunch of money to see Tiger in person. How can things be so bad if this dude can scrounge up all that money? And the tiger suit. That had to run him half a week’s salary at Big Lots or Family Dollar.

Anyway, if I could talk to this guy (and I really wouldn’t want to), I’d say, “Dude, this getup makes you look like an idiot. You know, as in F-I-D-I-O-T! I don’t know if Tiger saw you, but if golfers get freaked out by people talking too much or by taking pictures, he probably had a meltdown when he saw you!”

Hey Tiger, over here, over here. (Photo by Associated Press.)

“Hey, that’s probably why Tiger flamed out this weekend,” I’d go on. By this time, he’s trying to get away but I keep following him giving him my deep insightful analysis . “Tiger was doing great on the first two days, you toe sucker, but then he got an eyeful of you jumping up and down and calling his name and BOOM! His game got zombified. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!”

And think about those other poor people walking nearby in the top picture. The one guy in the sunglasses is going, “Give me a break, bimbo!” and the others are doing their best to pretend they’re not in Madagascar III. Some woman in the crowd is probably telling her husband, “We paid $1000 for this? I wanted to spend our vacation money to go see a live performance of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ but you said we should come and see Tiger. Well here he is, right next to you. Why don’t you ask him for his autograph? Oh, you’re going to pay for this one, big boy. Just you wait.” And the poor husband is going to himself, “Why me, Lord? Why me?”

And to top it off, during the award ceremonies, some guy dressed up like a bird jumped in front of the champion and started “tweeting” on television. Really! What is happening to our world. Two weeks ago we had an epidemic of zombie attacks, people eating each other’s faces and sending body parts through the mail. (I’m not making this up. I saw it on television. On the real news, not in “The Walking Dead.”)

Yes sir, we live in a great country, yes we do. Lucky we have the freedom we do or guys like this would be put in places they deserve.

Anyway, that’s all I got. It’s not much, but Daniel has been drawing cartoons of moose for around 10 hours a day so I don’t get to write squat. Talk to you soon, I hope.

Till later,
from Your Dude with the Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

-DIS makes no sense! So I’m gonna dis it.

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Humor Post #65 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Question: Why do so many people have trouble reading?
Answer: Because English is messed up, that’s why. If it made more sense, people wouldn’t get so mixed up.

Here’s a total screw-up I figured out all on my own. Just by thinking, you know. And I’m just a kid. So there must be gajillions of other things I haven’t even noticed yet.

We’re working on prefixes in English class and there’s a bunch of them that mean “no” or “opposite of.” Like -un, -im, -in, -non, and -dis. I think you know pretty much what I’m talking about. Our teacher says knowing these prefixes will help us on those standardized tests they give us all the time. But I had to ask about -dis in class last week and my teacher couldn’t really answer me. So I’ll ask you.

-DIS — Like disrespect is the opposite of respect, like dislike means to not like, like dishonest means not honest. Easy, huh?

But I thought of a couple that make NO SENSE! Now how are we supposed to do gooder in school if English is such a wreck. (And yes, that was supposed to be funny. Epic fail, huh? So what’s new?)

Here they are:
The wind is gusting.
The wind is disgusting.
Huh? I don’t think the second sentence means the opposite of the first.

Or how about this?
She’s stressed.
She’s distressed.
Huh? again. This time both sentences mean the same thing. Here –dis is a prefix that means absolutely nothing. Must be there for decoration, I guess.

Like I said, I asked about these in class, but my teacher didn’t have a good answer for me. At least she seemed interested and said she’d look it up. I’m not sure anyone else noticed because most people weren’t paying much attention. That’s because prefixes aren’t the most exciting thing for most people. More people listened to me at the beginning of the lesson when I tried to be my usual brilliant self. The teacher asked someone to give a sentence that used disperse. So I raised my hand and said, “Dis purse is made of leather so it costs a lot.” At least I got a few groans and the teacher gave one of her “Oh, please” looks so I guess that counts as a success.

So anyway, getting back to the “disgusting” and “distressing” examples from above, it takes Dr. Crankenfuss once again to point out why American kids have such a hard time in school. It’s not our fault. It’s English’s fault. Why don’t they fix it? One of these days, they’ll hire you-know-who to fix the world and everyone’ll have it a lot easier.

But till then, keep checking her for beautiful pearls of wisdom from Dr. Crankenfuss,
The Dude with the ‘Tude

Freak Speak

Here’s how to solve and prevent all missing kids cases. Really!

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Humor Post #63 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

No jokes today, people. Ol’ Crankenfuss has turned over a new leaf. For today, anyway. (BTW, what’s with that “turning over a new leaf” thing? If it’s in your yard, like so what? If it’s in a book or album, like so what? Either way, it certainly doesn’t take much effort, does it? But sure enough, I’m already off-topic. Hello, ADD. Just forget what you just read in these parentheses. Or start this post over and just skip this part. Sorry.) Yep, he’s going to solve something everybody really cares about: missing children.

I’m serious. Practically every day there’s news about some poor child who disappears. Around here, they issue an “amber alert” when that happens and they have announcements all over the TV and the radio. I’m sure a lot of these kids have just wandered off and are found. Others have been kind of “kidnapped” by one of their parents from the other one if the parents are split up, like after a divorce, you know. But the ones who get on national news often end up getting killed. It’s really scary and terrible, no matter how you look at it. No matter which category it falls in, a missing child means lots of anguish and pain for the child’s parent(s) and family even if it’s only for a few hours.

But most all of this could be stopped with one small innovation that’s actually already here. It’s to put a GPS computer chip in every kid. Probably while they’re still in the hospital, right after birth. Lots of dog owners do that with their dogs. The chips are getting tinier and tinier and will be practically invisible in a few years. They could be easily hidden inside a kid’s body to prevent them from being taken out. I’ve read about guys who’ve been shot and they still have the bullet inside them the rest of their lives. It’s not common, for sure, but it does happen. And they seem to do okay, so it would be very possible for people to walk around with a tiny chip in them. The way science is going, they could probably put the chip almost anywhere. If it was always put in the same place, a kidnapper could cut the chip out of someone. But if he didn’t know where it was, he couldn’t. And the child’s parent would probably activate their GPS thing and know where their kid was before a kidnapper could do anything anyway.

Let’s say a mom is at the mall and her child goes missing. She could activate her “child finder” GPS and it would pinpoint exactly where her child was. And if it showed that her child was already a mile or two from the mall, that would show a certain kidnapping and the police could get involved. But with such an accurate location device, they’d find the child pretty quickly. Just the possibility of this happening would probably cut down on a lot of this stuff. After all, kidnapping is definitely a felony everywhere and that would mean lots of jail time for sure.

Just recently some crazy woman stole a baby from a lady leaving the hospital. She killed the mother, but if the baby had one of those GPS devices inside already, they could have found that psycho immediately. Hey, she probably wouldn’t have done it knowing how easy it would be to catch her.

Now I know a lot of kids wouldn’t like their parents always “spying” on them. But hey, when they were 18, they could have the thing taken out of them since then they’d be adults. But I bet a lot of people would keep it inside them anyway and just let their husbands or wives know all about it.

There it is, all wrapped up like a beautiful present. So when are people are going to get smart and use this new science to protect their children?

From Dr. Crankenfuss, a guy with good ideas more often than you’d think