If I had a dime for every time I had a great idea…

January 7, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #27 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So here’s something I pulled off on my mom this morning and I bet you could do the same. It made a lot of sense. (Of course it would, coming from you-know-who.) So my mom says something like, “Crankenfuss, if I had a dime for every time I told you to clean your room, I’d be rich.” So I decided to deliver one of my special-delivery zingers. “And Mom,” I said, “if I had a dime for every time I kept my room dirty, I’d be just as rich or even richer.”

No, she was not pleased with that answer. In fact, she made me stay inside till I had cleaned over half my room. But it was worth it because I was helping to educate her. See, that’s just a silly thing to say. First off, she’s not going to get a dime for having told me anything, much less get a bunch of dimes for having told me a bunch of times. And why be so cheap with your wishes? Why not say, “If I had a million dollars for every time I asked you to clean your room…”? That way, she’s at least wishing for something really worth something. If you’re going to wish for something, shoot for the stars, that’s what I say.

Also it might work better if she said something like, “If I had a heart attack for every time I asked you to clean your room, I’d be dead. And then you’d be sorry.” Now that would have a chance of working on me because I don’t want to be in any way responsible for hurting my mom. But guilt-tripping your son like that would be pretty mean, wouldn’t it? Maybe I could try it on her though. “Mom, if I get killed from one of these grody asparagus spears stabbing me in the heart after I swallowed it, boy, then you’d be sorry. I mean, they don’t call them ‘spears’ for nothing.” Hoo boy, can’t wait to try that one. I’m sure she’ll say, “Oh, Crankenfuss, I never thought of it that way. Here, have some cake and ice cream instead.” Yeah, that’s what will happen, I’m sure.

Anyway, just another awesome piece of analysis and advice from the internet’s best middle school blogger who provides so much to his readers.
Yes, that would be me, Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Watch Out If Someone Says You Have Great Potential

January 4, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #26 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Ooh, I just had the worst insult handed to me yesterday. That’s twice this year and we’ve only been back in school for two days! My English teacher was talking about this book we just started and she asked, “What did the author mean when she said blah-blah-blah?” So I raised my hand and said, “How are we supposed to know what the author meant? She didn’t tell us!” A couple people said, “Yeah, that’s right, Crankenfuss.” The teacher was NOT one of those people. (BTW, people don’t really call me Crankenfuss. I just thought it would make this post seem more literary.) Instead she looked at me, shook her head sadly, and said, “Crankenfuss, I don’t know why you insist on acting like this. You have such great potential, you know.”

Now in the past — how can something be both now and in the past? — I would have thought having great potential was a GOOD thing. Not anymore. Ms. ___ was obviously ticked off at me for being right. And what she said was meant as a putdown. So I have put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4, as is my usual tendency because I be so good in math, and now I’m ready to revise that famous and often-used saying. So here it is:

“You have so much potential” = “You ain’t worth squat right now, kid!”

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. If you don’t believe me, think about some superstar and see how many times you hear, “Oh, LeBron James has such potential!” Never or very close to never! Naw, people say, “That LeBron, he skyin’!” or “LeBron James is da bomb AND da bombardier!” Or if the person is kinda dorky and not rad cool hip hop like me, he might say, “Oh, LeBron James is a quite wonderful excellent basketball player.” No matter what they say, they don’t talk about his potential to be a good player.

So don’t go feeling so good about yourself if, for example, your guitar teacher tells your mom, “Oh, your son has so much potential. I think you should sign him up for 17 lessons a week to unleash that potential.” Hey, it’s not about you, Paco. The teacher is trying to get some big bucks from your mama, that’s all.

Just another platter of wisdom from your Brilliance Chef,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Are You Freaky Smart?, Uncategorized

Here’s a brain teaser that’s second to none

January 4, 2012 daniel Leave a comment

Sorry for the long hiatus since our last puzzle. (That’s a word we got from Crankenfuss, our resident wordsmith. It means “a break.” Thanks, C.) As some of you know, our site’s host got hacked, we went down, and it took Maureen over a week to get everything — well, most everything — back in order.

But anyway, here’s our latest killer for you. You can get out your calculator. This is a calculator-active quiz. That’s the good news. The bad news is you have exactly ten seconds to answer the question

You ready? Get those fingers ready to rumble. Here we go:

Question:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Go!!

C’mon, c’mon, your time is running out. Don’t give up. Keep punching in…

Oh, no! Time’s up.

Oh, well. You flopped again.

Click here to see what the answer is.

Freak Speak

STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK has arrived

January 3, 2012 crankenfuss Leave a comment

Humor Post #24 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Yo, all you freaky dudes out there! The crank is feeling good tonight. While I’ve been munching on the chips and salsa and watching the Comedy Channel, Daniel and Maureen have been crunching their brains and whaddaya know, they finally got their book up at Amazon. By tomorrow or the next day it’ll be at the Apple ITunes Bookstore and on the Nook. Very cool, even I have to admit. And yes, I’ve read the book and it’s good, very good in fact, but of course I’d say that or Daniel might not give me such free reign here.

Good going, man. Luv ya’ and all that! Peace out!

Oh yeah, Daniel told me to tell you the stories are aimed at kids, teenagers, and maturity-challenged adults. I told him there were very few of those types out there. I was kidding, of course. You know who you are.

So all of you please excuse me while I check out what’s happening around here. I gotta see what opportunities this opens up for old Crankenfuss. Maybe I could start a “Blog Posts Guaranteed to Make You Sick.”

What? I heard that!

Talk to ya’ soon.
The Doctor