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Freak Speak

My New Year’s Resolution: If I Can Do It, It Will Change my Life

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Post #166 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

So it’s the new year and my New Year’s Resolution is not to be so geeky, ya know, like where I’m smart, but too shy so I don’t get any rewards for my good qualities. Believe it or not, I’m really not bad looking at all. “Yeah, right!” you say. “Look at that tobacco stain you call a face at the top left.” Well, that mug shot isn’t really that accurate. It’s kind of photoshopped up to make me look scrungier and meaner than I really am. It’s really a mask I hide behind. I really can be funny and make people laugh and I sometimes get in trouble with my teachers for my wisecracks, but I’m never flat out mean or anything. That gets me attention, but I don’t know where to go with it. I always play it too careful with girls. I mean I want them to like me and maybe a few do, but I’m too nervous to ask them out so guess what? I don’t have a girlfriend. Or anything you could call a date. What if I get up the nerve to actually get a girlfriend? I can see myself immediately saying or doing something stupid or rude and she’d swat me off like a horse swats a fly with its tail and go trotting on her merry way and I’d be lying face down, the fly left behind in some horse poop.

I know that’s a crummy attitude to have, but there you are. My fears are bigger than my wants. I know you can’t win a race unless you enter it first. I really do. I see other people with the guts to do it – for a bunch of them, it takes no effort at all, that’s how much confidence they have. That makes me feel even worse. Well, that’s my New Year’s resolution – to enter that race and not worry about being rejected.

It’s always much easier to settle in my Crankenfuss thing. That feels safe. Like throwing rocks from inside a fort. Maybe this’ll be the year I come out of that fort and throw out compliments instead of insults. I’ll see what happens (if I can do it). But I’ll still see things that bother me and tick me off, so there’s no way you won’t be seeing ol’ Crankenfuss at least once in a while. There still has to be someone to stand up to the stupid stuff and people in the world, doesn’t there?

So how can I keep the Crankenfuss thing going and have this other positive, confident guy living inside the same head? Will I lose some of my humor if I’m too “nice”? And how many questions can I ask myself before I bore myself (and you)?

Hey, I think I got it:
LESS SHY, MORE FLY!

That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Well, no matter what you think,
thanks, and Happy New Year!

Freak Speak

Six Amazing Facts You Probably Didn’t Know

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Post #165 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

It’s a couple days after Christmas and I know where Santa is right now. He’s taking a cold shower to try to get rid of all the sweat he worked up over Christmas. Imagine lugging all those toys through that heat wave. You know what I mean if you live on the east coast. Here in North Carolina, it’s been over 70 degrees for over a week. (And yes, I know there’s a blizzard in New Mexico and in the midwest right now. And flood in Texas. And torandoes in Alabama. Very strange weather, just like I talked about in my last blog post.)

Anyway, I’m kind of ADD, as I’ve brought up before, and the proof is I’ve already gotten off the topic I promised in the title. Ouch!

Okay, so here I go onto the real subject. Even though it’s kind of hard for me to get through a whole book (’cause of that ADD), one thing I do like to read are these AMAZING FACTS that people think they know and they don’t. Here are six examples.  How many of these did you really know already?

SIX FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW, BUT PROBABLY DON’T
from the research of Dr. Crankenfuss

1. The average football game is over three hours long, but there’s only about 11 minutes of real football action in the whole game.

Wha!! Yeah, I know that sounds impossible, but just type in “how many minutes of action in a football game” in a search bar and you’ll find out what I did. Where does all that other time go? Well, to replays or huddles or commercials or time outs or announcers talking to each other or cheerleaders or whatever. That’s where your DVR comes in really handy. That way you can skip all the stuff you don’t want to watch and just catch the real thing.

2. Few people know exactly how long a mile is, but it really did make sense a couple thousand years ago.

It’s one of our most used distances, but quick, tell me how many feet in a mile. You probably can’t do it, can you? Yeah, yeah, you can pretend you know it after I give you the answer, but I tried this on a bunch of people and only two knew. It’s 5280 feet. It’s all complicated how it came to be that number, but all I know is it’s a very weird number for such a well-known distance. No wonder most people can’t think of it.

But when it first came about, it was a couple thousand years ago during the Roman Empire. They said 1000 “paces” made a mile. (A pace was two regular steps and totaled about 5 feet.) So the mile was 5000 feet. (Thank you, Wikipedia!) They really ought to bring that back. 5000 is a lot easier to remember than 5280. C’mon, whoever’s in charge, gimme a break!

3. New York may be the biggest city in the USA, but it’s way behind when it comes to the rest of the world.

New York officially has around 8.5 million people. We think that’s really big. Not so much! It only comes in #21 in the world when all cities are measured the same way. If you don’t believe me, check it here.

4. Over half the people in the world are Asian.

In fact, it’s way over half. 60% actually. There are now over 7 BILLION people in the world, and over 4 BILLION live in Asia. Heck, around a third of the world’s population is in China and India alone!

5. Except in zoos, NO penguins live north of the Equator.

Yeah, I know a lot of you think that penguins live at the North Pole or close by, like in Alaska. Nope! Some live near the South Pole, but there are a bunch in other places in the Southern Hemisphere. But not one penguin has their natural home in the Northern Hemisphere.

6. Almost no one – and I repeat “ALMOST NO ONE” – knows how big an acre is. But you’re about to find out. CLUE -> It’s HUGE!

How big is an acre? Ask almost anyone. I promise you they won’t know. But now YOU will. Think of a football field. It’s of course 100 yards long, not counting the end zones. An acre would cover about 90 out of those 100 yards. Next time you’re on a football field, just trying running 90 yards. An acre will wear you out, bro! (And for those of you picky types who want to know the exact size of an acre, it’s 43,560 square feet. But that’s a pretty hard number to remember, isn’t it? The football field figure is much easier.)

So, I hope you learned something today. Most of these facts surprised me and so I’m passing them on to you. And yes, they might seem kind of geeky if you’re not into that kind of stuff. Oh, well, I can’t please everybody. But if you feel like it, spread the word. Somebody out there will think it’s cool.

And Happy New Year!

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Global warming’s here; Better beware!/ Don’t believe me? Ask this polar bear!

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Post #164 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

It’s the day before Christmas and I know where Santa is right now. He’s looking through his closet for a short sleeve shirt and some comfortable shorts. You know what I mean if you live on the east coast. Here in North Carolina, it’s over 70 degrees today. And it’s been raining so much, they’re playing “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Seattle” on the radio.

And yeah, I know there are folks out there who think all this climate change or global warming or whatever you want to call it is a big deal over nothing, and who knows, maybe they’re right, but it seems to me that something strange is going on. I read that world temperatures were setting record highs last year and now we’re getting thunderstorms and tornadoes in the South close to New Year’s. Really strange!

So I was searching for winter pictures to make me feel a little better and I find this photo which put it all into sharp focus for me. It was in The Alaska Daily Journal or something like that and they… Well, just have a look!

Say it ain't so, po! My heart is breaking for ya, yo!
Say it ain’t so, po! My heart is breaking for ya, yo!

People, if this doesn’t prove there’s global warming, I guess you will never be convinced. All I know is, “Juneau’s the new Miami Beach!”

And what’s more this picture makes a strong argument if favor of the Second Amendment. Who would disagree that these guys in the picture have the right to bear arms?

Okay, you can stop groaning now.

Happy Holidays to everybody
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

You think you know Sixth Grade Vocabulary? Try these onerous examples.

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Post #163 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

Yo, peeps, I just wanted to put this out there. Thought you might be interested in trying the vocabulary test I had last week. Hey, it’s only sixth grade stuff. Certainly you can handle that, can’t you? You can add them in to your conversations with your family at dinner time or… well, just let me give you an example of how smart you can sound if you increase your vocabulary. “Hey, Mom, I got an A on my ERUCTATION test in Health Class,” you say. Wouldn’t a typical mom praise her young brainchild for this performance? Not if she found out that ERUCATION means BELCHING! (Actually that word WASN’T on our test. I just like it.)

Anyway here are 8 words from our test. You think you can outdo me? I doubt it. But then again, we had the words to study ahead of time.  But no matter what, your vocabulary is going get a real boost today!

Oh, yeah! That ONEROUS in the title means TROUBLESOME.

________________________________________________

DR. CRANKENFUSS’S SIXTH GRADE VOCABULARY TEST

1. “When it comes to homework, I’m lackadaisical.”
A. not dazed
B. very efficient
C. kind of lazy
D. someone who doesn’t have any daisies

2. “Am I going to win this boxing match? I don’t know but I sure am  feckless.”
A. incompetent
B. showing no fear
C. having not even one feck
D. skilled at fighting

3. “I got into a fight today at school. Afterwards I was unabashed.”
A. not able to stand up
B. not in good shape
C. not beat up
D. not embarrassed

4. “I’m not sure how I’m going to do on this test. I do have collywobbles.”
A. the answers to the questions
B. stomach cramps
C. a strong feeling of confidence
D. difficulty walking

5. “I want to eat more, but I can’t finish this food. It’s too piquant.”
A. spicy
B. bad-tasting
C. delicious
D. salty

6. “Hey, buddy, how about sticking this piece of pie in your piehole.”
A. a pie pan
B. mouth
C. a nasty word that basically means “ where the sun don’t shine”
D. pocket

7. “I have to admit that my best friend is a knave.”
A. a very smart person
B. a coward
C. a rascal or trickster
D. someone who tries to pick up girls

8. “At a British soccer match, you’ll usually find hooligans.”
A. soccer players
B. a kind of sausage sold at stadiums
C. fans of sports
D. thugs

 

________________________________________________

ANSWERS


1. C – lackadaisical = kind of lazy
2. A – feckless = incompetent, ineffective
3. D – unabashed = not embarrassed
4. B – collywobbles = stomach cramps (or fear)
5. A – piquant = spicy
6. B – piehole = mouth
7. C – knave = a rascal or trickster
8. D – hooligans = thugs

So how’d you do? If you got five or more right, that’s pretty good actually. These are pretty tricky and you didn’t get to study them ahead of time.

Well, that’s all I got for today. Have a great Christmas vacation.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The best present ever: totally unique, ingenious (and maybe dangerous!)

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Post #162 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping middle school blogger–

You know, this is the time of the year that’s very hard for some of us. We have to come up with ideas for presents for people and it’s hard to think of something that doesn’t seem kind of “ordinary.” (And in my case, cheap.) I mean, my Mom will act all happy because I gave her a new pair of socks, but it’s hard to believe she’s going, “Oh, what a wonderful present from my adoring and appreciative son!” Well, she probably IS thinking kind of like that because she’s a mother and that’s the way they think, but c’mon — a pair of socks makes her happy? I don’t mind telling you that a pair of socks doesn’t make ME happy (unless they’re filled with money or something equally awesome).

But I do have an idea for those of you who want to buy a totally unique present, one that will be remembered and talked about for years, maybe forever. (You’ll probably end up buying it for yourself instead of for someone else. That’s how good it is!) Now I know it’s kind of late for Hannukah, but there’s still time for Christmas and if you don’t get it this year, you can put in your order for next year. And you better get your order in soon, ’cause these babies are going to fly out of the warehouse faster than a bunch of boys out of a room where one of them has just emitted an “anal volcano” (if you know what I mean).

So here it is. Tell me if you’ve ever seen or even thought of something this cool.
Dr. Crankenfuss's Counterfeit Penny Machine
Yes, your eyes do not lie. This is a machine that can COUNTERFEIT PENNIES. Think of the many happy hours you’ll spend at the controls of this visionary masterpiece. All you have to do is put the zinc slugs into the machine and out pops as many pennies as you can count, right out of that slot just under the purple star-shaped controls. Think how amazed your friends will be to see you create money practically out of thin air (with the zinc slugs added, of course). You’ll feel as powerful as the United States Government. And yeah, I know some of you are probably thinking this is illegal, but hey, who’s it really going to hurt? Nobody, that’s who! And the pennies come out perfect so there will be no way to prove they’re not real. There are already like zillions of pennies out there so who’ll notice if there are a few thousand more?

(See, that’s where my real brilliance shows. If I counterfeited $100 bills, yeah, I’d more money at the beginning, but the FBI would be all over me like flies on dog poop as soon as some ratfink mentioned it to them. But it’s not worth their time to go after a penny counterfeiter, is it?)

“Okay, Crankfenfuss,” you’re probably saying. “This looks like a complicated machine. It can’t be cheap, can it?”

No it can’t. The price for this cutting-edge contraption is $10,000. And of course you have to buy a supply of zinc slugs and those will run you about a nickel each. But what’s money matter to someone who wants to be as cool and envied as you no doubt will be when you show off this Thomas Edison-type invention?

For those of you rarin’ to sign up, there is one disclaimer. These machines aren’t available yet because I’m still looking for financial backers and someone smart enough to show me how to make one of these. (The drawing above is just my plans for the thing.) But once they’re ready, I’ll put up another post with an order form and you can get READY TO RUMBLE. And oh yeah, I’m going to put a limit of two machines per customer and that’s only until my supply runs out, so you better be near the front of the line.

So next year will it be a box of chocolates or or maybe some flowers that’ll die within a week or will it be a machine that will catapult you to the peak of technological know-how?

The choice is yours.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Your mentor and inventor,
Dr. Crankenfuss