Post #152 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger–

Yeah, it’s been too long since I checked in. Issues, ya know. That’s all I want to say about that right now, but it involves issues, okay? Maybe one day I’ll talk about them. But right now I have a few things I’ve heard about (or thought about) lately so you’ll be getting three posts in the next week. Woo hoo! Talk about good luck for you! Anyway, here’s the first topic. Some company in Holland — it’s called Mars One — is sending 24 people to Mars, starting in 2024, and they’re having a contest to pick the space pioneers. At least that’s their story.

Sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? I mean, if you win and get to be one of the 24, you get to be like Christopher Columbus, discovering a new world and all that. Though you’d be way cooler than ol’ Chris ’cause we all know Columbus didn’t discover anything. There were already like tons of people living in “The New World” when he found it. So history gives Columbus all the credit even though Leif Erikson traveled to the so-called New World 500 years before Columbus and there were probably at least a few other people who did the same thing.

Anyway, I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Why don’t you apply to go to Mars, Crankenfuss? Good riddance, I say!”

Not so fast, Paco. You won’t get rid of me that easily. I got things to say and write and my opinions are needed here on Earth, thank you very much. Also, I’d have to be some kind of crazy to try out for this trip (even if I WAS eligible, which I’m not since you have to be age 18).

So how many people applied to go on this trip? Over 200,000! Yow! You can go to the Mars One website and look at their Press Releases if you don’t believe me. 200,000???? And now they’ve narrowed it down to 100 finalists. Out of these people, they’re going to pick 24 and train them in a desert for months and months, then stick them on a rocket ship and off they go to Mars. They’ll be world — maybe universally — famous and they probably will be on TV a lot and there’ll be movies about them and all. But there are some downsides I’ve come up with for these heady optimists and I just thought I’d bring up a few of them  before they take that last step.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG ON YOUR HISTORIC TRIP TO MARS?

1. MARS ONE is only sending four people at a time. Say you’re one of the first four. What are the odds you’re going to get along fantastically with the other three Mars-o-nauts? Close to zero, that’s what I say. On the seven month trip there, with all the cameras on, you might be polite and hide your feelings. But come on, living for years and years on Mars with just three other people? Hey, I only have two people in my immediate family and we’re related by blood. So we share a lot of traits, ya know. And we get in arguments all the time. What if one of the other three doesn’t close her mouth when she chews and it drives you crazy? Or someone has a huge mole on his earlobe. But you can’t mention it, can you? You have to keep it all tucked inside in case everyone in the world sees you in the middle of a hissy fit on TV. (And yes, there will eventually be 24 people in all, but still there’s no way they’ll all get along.)

2. The trip is not a round trip. IT’S ONE WAY! It’s too expensive to get you back so MARS ONE says you’ll spend the rest of your life on Mars. Doing what? Looking at rocks? (At least you’ll have two moons to look at during the night. Hey, that would be pretty cool, I guess. But you won’t ever see your family or friends again. EVER! But hey, you’ll be famous and important. Well, famous anyway.)

3. Speaking of never seeing your family and friends again, what do you think the odds are of finding someone you can truly love and share your life with out of the 3 to 23 other people you’ll be living with on Mars? Don’t you think your relationships with your loved ones back on Earth will be strained just a little bit? But how good are the possibilities you’ll find true love on Mars?

4. The mission will cost at least $6 billion!! That’s right: a six with 9 zeroes. And does Mars One have this kind of money in their spare change drawer? Of course not! So they’re planning on making the whole contest and trip into A REALITY SHOW. Yeah, we all know how friendly those participants can be. And how can a reality show earn $6 billion? (Unless it’s the Super Bowl, of course.)

5. There’s a solid chance you’ll blow up on the launch pad. They just had a couple huge rocket disasters that private companies were in charge of. I know ’cause I saw them on the news. One of the companies was named SpaceX and you can see their rocket blow up here. This video doesn’t exactly leave me with a feeling of confidence.

6. Okay, I admit this one’s a little out there, but what if your crew gets attacked by space zombies — Hey, there’s no proof they DON’T exist — or what if someone on the trip with you dies and turns INTO a zombie? Betcha no one’s thought of that one yet.

Anyway these are just some of the things that could go wrong. The way I see it, anyone who applies to go is already too crazy to qualify.

You don’t have to take my word for all this. If you want to see an official news report on this whole thing, you can click here and read all about it. But I don’t really think this thing will ever take off. It just kind of sounds too crazy to be real. Or even if it IS real, it still sounds too crazy.

So there you are. My first post in a while. You’ll get another one that’s kind of connected to this in two or three days. It’s about a guy who got world famous (like these Mars-o-Nuts) and it didn’t turn out too well for him.

Till then, you’ve seen the return of
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss