Humor Post #30 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Okay, I have a confession. One that I’m proud of. I like sports. Especially football. But I get kind of annoyed at some of the people who do the play-by-play announcing on TV and — I hate to admit it — some of the stuff the players say is kind of embarrassing. I don’t have a whole lot of time for this post since I have to do the rest of my (sigh) homework, but I’ll give it my best shot. I mean, it’ll be a war out there between the Crank and those announcers and players, but I believe in myself and I promise to leave everything on the field. This will be a marathon, not a sprint, but I know I’ll win ’cause I want it more. After all, on any given day a sixth grader can beat all those guys, can’t he? And if I play within myself, I think I can give ’em a clinic.

Have I made a good start on some of those clichés?

First I’ll go to one I’ve heard in real life, not on TV. Our P.E. teacher always likes to say, “There’s no i in team” when he’s saying we shouldn’t hog the ball. And I always want to say back, “But coach, there’s a me.” You know, like an m and an e. I haven’t done it though ’cause he might decide to sit on me and then all I’d be good for is to be tomorrow’s special at the IHOP. (I could also say, “But coach, there’s an i in win.” Of course, I haven’t done that either. Same reason.

Here’s one I didn’t figure out myself, but a friend (Rhymin’ Simon) told me about it. In basketball, if a guy shoots a thee-pointer, the announcer will say something like, “He threw up the rock from way downtown,” like downtown’s really far away. But hey, lots of the stadiums are already downtown so wouldn’t that be a close shot? Just askin’.

Just one more cliché for now. Players often say, “I’m giving it 110%.” (Actually, politicians say that a lot too, as in, “I’m 110% committed to staying in the race.”) Now everybody knows you can’t do anything more than 100%, so why stop at 110? Why not a thousand per cent? Or a million? Or to really prove you mean it, the player could say, “I’m gonna give it a million, gajillion, bazillion per cent. And that’s just in the first quarter!” (As for the Crankoid, I always give 100%, except when I’m donating blood.)

Well, I said that was my last one, but I have to finish this post with the tiredest sports cliché of them all — Dick Vitale. That guy makes my ears hurt. He’s like a circus clown who stole the mic from the MC.
“PTP, baby!”
“He dishes the rock.”
“He’s a diaper dandy!”
“I’m-a gonna be sick!”
(That last line isn’t his. It’s mine when he’s announcing a game.) The words are bad enough, but his voice is like an eight-year-old learning violin.

I better stop. I was feeling OK when I started this, but now I’m about to have a CCC (a cantankerous cranky conniption). Oh, no!! I’m sounding like Dick Vitale!

from your soon-to-be-recovered (he hopes) truth teller,
Dr. Crankenfuss