Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Here’s how to solve and prevent all missing kids cases. Really!

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Humor Post #63 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

No jokes today, people. Ol’ Crankenfuss has turned over a new leaf. For today, anyway. (BTW, what’s with that “turning over a new leaf” thing? If it’s in your yard, like so what? If it’s in a book or album, like so what? Either way, it certainly doesn’t take much effort, does it? But sure enough, I’m already off-topic. Hello, ADD. Just forget what you just read in these parentheses. Or start this post over and just skip this part. Sorry.) Yep, he’s going to solve something everybody really cares about: missing children.

I’m serious. Practically every day there’s news about some poor child who disappears. Around here, they issue an “amber alert” when that happens and they have announcements all over the TV and the radio. I’m sure a lot of these kids have just wandered off and are found. Others have been kind of “kidnapped” by one of their parents from the other one if the parents are split up, like after a divorce, you know. But the ones who get on national news often end up getting killed. It’s really scary and terrible, no matter how you look at it. No matter which category it falls in, a missing child means lots of anguish and pain for the child’s parent(s) and family even if it’s only for a few hours.

But most all of this could be stopped with one small innovation that’s actually already here. It’s to put a GPS computer chip in every kid. Probably while they’re still in the hospital, right after birth. Lots of dog owners do that with their dogs. The chips are getting tinier and tinier and will be practically invisible in a few years. They could be easily hidden inside a kid’s body to prevent them from being taken out. I’ve read about guys who’ve been shot and they still have the bullet inside them the rest of their lives. It’s not common, for sure, but it does happen. And they seem to do okay, so it would be very possible for people to walk around with a tiny chip in them. The way science is going, they could probably put the chip almost anywhere. If it was always put in the same place, a kidnapper could cut the chip out of someone. But if he didn’t know where it was, he couldn’t. And the child’s parent would probably activate their GPS thing and know where their kid was before a kidnapper could do anything anyway.

Let’s say a mom is at the mall and her child goes missing. She could activate her “child finder” GPS and it would pinpoint exactly where her child was. And if it showed that her child was already a mile or two from the mall, that would show a certain kidnapping and the police could get involved. But with such an accurate location device, they’d find the child pretty quickly. Just the possibility of this happening would probably cut down on a lot of this stuff. After all, kidnapping is definitely a felony everywhere and that would mean lots of jail time for sure.

Just recently some crazy woman stole a baby from a lady leaving the hospital. She killed the mother, but if the baby had one of those GPS devices inside already, they could have found that psycho immediately. Hey, she probably wouldn’t have done it knowing how easy it would be to catch her.

Now I know a lot of kids wouldn’t like their parents always “spying” on them. But hey, when they were 18, they could have the thing taken out of them since then they’d be adults. But I bet a lot of people would keep it inside them anyway and just let their husbands or wives know all about it.

There it is, all wrapped up like a beautiful present. So when are people are going to get smart and use this new science to protect their children?

From Dr. Crankenfuss, a guy with good ideas more often than you’d think

Freak Speak

Why a half should NOT be a half

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Humor Post #62 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Math scores ain’t so high in this country, if you can believe what all those international test results show. Now I’m pretty good at math, but I gotta admit, there’s a lot about it that could be improved. Like fractions, for instance. That’s what I’m going to rant about today. Okay, it’s not going to be a rant. I will be very calm and patient as I explain how THE WAY FRACTIONS ARE NAMED MESSES LITTLE KIDS UP RIGHT AWAY!

See, I was working with my little pal Jojo again. (You can see the last time I worked with the little guy here.) He’s the little brother of a friend of mine and I want to get it where he’ll be considered a junior genius. That shouldn’t be too hard considering who’s teaching him. So I figure I’ll help him get ahead in math. I can picture some scene where his kindergarten teacher is saying, “Okay, class, let’s practice counting up to 3,” and Jojo will go start asking her questions about atomic particle accelerators or 3D quark generators or something else I’ve taught him. All the other kids’ mouths drop open. The teacher will be just a little bit surprised.

At least that was the idea I had. I like to shake things up, ya know.

So since Jojo already knows how to count, I thought I’d start him off with some simple fractions. I got out a chocolate chip cookie — he likes those — and cut it in half. Then I tried to show him how there were two halves in a whole. But he immediately got mixed up with the word “whole” and asked why I wanted to put his cookie into a hole. “I don’t want my cookie all dirty,” I think is the exact quote I got. No, no, I tried to explain how a “whole” meant “one” and I was already getting the little dude confused. But I plowed on anyway.

The next step was to show him when the cookie was cut in two parts, each part would be called a “half.” That blew his little brain even more. So I showed how to cut a cookie into four pieces and each piece would be called a “fourth.” So Jojo asks, “How about if you cut the cookie into six pieces?” and I say, “Then each piece would be a sixth,” so he says, “So if it’s in two pieces, why don’t they call it a twoth?”

Now he had ME all messed up. What a great question! We have fourths, sixth, eighths, tenths, and all the rest. Now “thirds” and “fifths” might throw you off a little, but at least the first two letters are the same. But to change a “two” into H-A-L-F makes NO SENSE! And then there’s that plural of HALF which changes the f to a v. How’s a little guy supposed to learn this stuff? How’s anyone supposed to get it?

THE VERY FIRST FRACTION THEY GIVE YOU — THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE, YOU KNOW, THE EASIEST ONE — GETS YOU ALL BAMZOODLED.

They really should call it a “twoth.” But of course they won’t cause that would get kids mixing up fractions with teeth. (Which makes me wonder why they don’t call more than one half “heef.” But that’s a whole ‘nother thing to consider another time.)

So anyway, to help little Jojo and everyone else in the world who’s ever gotten mixed up learning fractions, here’s the new diagram I think should go in every new math book there is so EVERYONE CAN LEARN FRACTIONS WITHOUT GETTING THEIR HEADS ALL FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN.

Go ahead, show this to your teachers and see if they don’t have to agree with you. But they probably won’t want to because that would rock their worlds too much, ya know.

So go have a great day (or night) and remember who’s doing his best to make the world make better sense for everyone.

That would be:
Dr. Crankenfuss
The Dude with the ‘Tude

Freak Speak

Hey, you thought 6th grade math was hard? Try these 4th grade problems.

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Humor Post #60 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Way back on March 14, I gave you some sixth grade algebra problems that our teacher was giving us to prepare for the EOGs (those standardized End-of-Grade Tests). These tests — They’re next week! Y-a-a-a-a-h! — are really important because they supposedly let the world know how smart we are, how good our teachers are, and how good our schools are. Well, maybe they tell you that stuff and maybe they don’t. I’d just like some adults, mainly the ones who make us take these things, to subject their brains to the same tests. You know, let them do the sweating for once. I don’t think the results would be very pretty. Kind of like a dog’s behind, if you know what I mean.

Now I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know how bad it really was till yesterday. See, I got sources deep inside the school system and they’ve been feeding me some valuable inside info. Actually they’re just a couple kids down the street who are in the fourth grade at a school near us. But they showed me the kind of stuff they have to do in class to get ready for their EOGs. As the TV Batman would say, “Holy hippopotamuses!” And I would say, “I feel for you, little dudes. These problems are harder than my head!” And baby, that is H-A-R-D! These stupid problems were ridiculous! How can anybody expect fourth graders to do these things? It’s like they think we’re in college or something!

Think I’m whining too much? That I’m being too much of a Crankenfuss?

Well then, you try ’em, wise guy! And remember, these things are meant for FOURTH GRADERS! I’m just giving you four little bitty questions. There were 12 on this homework sheet! Get ready for a lickin’ that’ll keep on stickin’, folks.

FOURTH GRADE EOG PRACTICE TEST QUESTIONS

1. Darius and Charlie are saving quarters. Darius saves 7 quarters for every 3 that Charlie saves. How many quarters will Charlie have saved when Darius has saved up 42 quarters?
a. 45
b. 21
c. 18
d. 35

2. Using these three pieces of information, which of the four answers is true?
Information Piece #1: R + R = K + R + K
Information Piece #2: R + K = G + G
Information Piece #3: R = 20
a. R < G b. R > K
c. K > G
d. G > R

3. What is the value of the expression 6 X 8 + 12 ÷ 2?
a. 30
b. 54
c. 60
d. 84

4. Ms. Jones wrote this expression on the white board: 27 – 5 X 4 + 6 =
Which operation should a person do first to find the value of the expression?
a. 27 – 5
b. 5 X 4
c. 4 + 6
d. 27 + 6

Had enough yet? As they like to say at Staples, “THAT WAS EASY!”

Click here to see how you did. But you might want to take an aspirin first. And let other people try these questions out. Maybe they’ll take some pity on us poor students and get teachers to give us some work that’s a teeny bit easier.

From the Dude who’s watchin’ out for all the kids out there,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

$80 million for The Scream? Makes me wanna scream, all right!

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Humor Post #58 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Yesterday I was in the car attached to my IPod as usual when I somehow heard this news on the radio that made me sit up straight. (Not the easiest thing to do in our car.) This woman was saying there was a painting on sale in New York for around $80 million!! Yeah, you read that right (assuming you can read, of course). 80 million GW’s. For one painting. Man, I had to look that up when I got home. It’s called “The Scream” and it’s by this guy Edvard Munch from Norway or somewhere like that. Turns out I’ve seen it before on posters and in cartoons. Here it is:

The Scream by Edward Munch

Yeah, it’s not exactly a publicity shot of Selena Gomez, is it? Looks like the guy — or is it a girl? Hard to tell. — just got a wedgie in front of the whole school. I have to admit the colors are pretty cool. It’s supposed to represent the fear and anxiety people have. At least that’s what I can figure out from what I read. Apparently Munch was on this bridge somewhere and the sky turned red and he felt “the great scream of nature.” So this is what he came up with. Man, that dweeb could have used a psychiatrist (or 20). You know, like he needed a checkup from the neck up.

And dude, you wanna feel a little less pain? Start with the hair. Like it’s not there. Rogaine time, my man!

But from what I can see, Munch also could have used some art lessons. Yeah, the thing’s all primal and stuff with those bold colors, but so are Little Jojo’s crayon pictures. (He’s a little guy I know who I try to educate about the world sometimes.) And he’s like six years old. Why in the world is this thing worth $80 million? And it turns out there are four others just like it. Dude, couldn’t you think of anything new?

Now you might be thinking it’s great that the thing is selling for $80 million, at least for old Eddie. With that kind of attitude, maybe he could use the money to take a nice, relaxing vacation somewhere. Whoa, wait up a sec. Eddie ain’t with us anymore. He died like maybe 70 years ago. Probably gave this painting to a niece because he couldn’t afford a big box of chocolates at the time. (And of course he already had four other copies of it.) She, of course, looked at it, said, “Oh, barf!” to herself, and stuck it in a closet somewhere. I mean, this thing on your wall could give you nightmares. So there it probably sat for years and then it got put in the attic and who knows, someone probably found it and put it on a table at a yard sale and was happy to get $3 for it. And now some unbelievably lucky fart is going to score 80 million cool ones.

I got a few weird relatives, just like everyone else. Why didn’t one of them give me a painting like that? But even if they did, would I have kept it for over 100 years till it was worth more than Beyonce’s wardrobe? Probably not.

But anyway, I looked at the painting some more and the more I looked at it, the more it reminded me of a scene from one of my favorite movies. Here it is:

Macaulay Culkin in HOME ALONE (from 20th Century Fox)

See what I mean? For those of you who live on the moon, that’s Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, one of the funniest movies going. That’s probably how Edward Munch looked when he was a kid.

Now with a little computer creativity thanks to Fireworks, let’s see if I can do something with this photo. Here’s the Dr. Crankenfuss version called:
Making The Scream Speak to Modern Audiences

The Scream (the Dr. Crankenfuss version) (Thanks to Fox for the photo.)

Okay, okay, maybe I should have taken some more time. I’m still trying to figure out this layer stuff and transparencies, but I don’t have a whole lot of patience, you know. But certainly this Crankenfuss masterpiece should be worth at least 10 million, don’t you think? Excuse me while I Google “Awesome Art Agents” in my area. Maybe Angie’s List will have a section on it. Hey, I’m even willing to share some of it with Culkin and Fox for using their photo as my model.

Gotta book. Certain wealth awaits.

From da new da Vinci,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

When is a foot not a foot? When it’s YOUR foot, that’s when.

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Humor Post #57 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

We’ve been doing all this measuring at school in math, comparing the USA system to the metric system and stuff like that. I gotta say the metric system makes way more sense, but that’s not what this is about. This is about a real little thing, but I still think it’s important. To measure stuff we mostly use rulers and yardsticks and tape measures. Now tape measures make a lot of sense, especially the ones that are metal and curl up inside their case. Rulers are okay if you have a backpack but forget it if you only have pockets and don’t like being poked in the side. And yardsticks are just useless for carrying around, aren’t they? Well, you could put one down your pants leg, but that would probably slow you down just a little.

Anyway, here’s the small thing. We have a nice name for the stick that’s a yard long. Uh, it’s called a YARDSTICK. Makes sense, doesn’t it? We don’t use it a whole lot, but it does have a sensible name. So what do we call a stick that’s a foot long, you know, the one we use all the time. “A FOOTSTICK,” you yell out, “it’s gotta be a FOOTSTICK.” How sadly wrong you are, Paco. It’s called a RULER. What good does that do anybody? A ruler can be a foot or it can be six or eight inches. The word ruler doesn’t tell you anything. It certainly doesn’t rule.

Wouldn’t kids learn what a foot was better if we actually had something called a FOOTSTICK? The way it is now, a teacher has to explain that a ruler has 12 inches and, oh yeah, a ruler is usually a foot and a foot has 12 inches too. No wonder kids can’t do math right.

And why do they call it a FOOT anyway? Probably because the guy who invented it put a stick next to his foot and decided, “I think I’ll call this length of stick a foot. Yeah, that’ll make it easy for everyone for the rest of eternity.”

Thanks a lot, Bozo!