Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I hate Time Warner Cable!!

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Humor Post #39 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

WARNING: I’m really angry and I have to write about it NOW!! There won’t be any humor (stupid or otherwise) in this post. Usually I can joke about things. Not today. And the fault is totally with Time Warner Cable! Yes, that’s worth repeating. It’s all Time Warner’s fault.

As most of you know, I like sports. And there’s this show every Sunday called The Sports Reporters. It’s on ESPN and four reporters sit around and talk about what happened the past week in sports. So today I’m all set to listen to what they have to say about last Sunday’s Super Bowl and about Jeremy Lin, this Chinese dude from Harvard (of all places) who’s come out of nowhere to be a new superstar for the New York Knicks. I had the DVR set to record the show — it comes on at 10:30 — but I was busy doing other stuff till 10:45. No big deal, I thought. I’ll turn it on now and watch it. So I settled back on the couch and turned it on. BUT IT HADN’T RECORDED! WHAT!? I was furious. I know it was set up. I’d checked it two days ago to be sure. The whole series is supposed to be recorded.

By now it was 10:48. I watched them talk about Kobe for about three or four minutes, which was good but I was almost too mad to watch. Then, during the next commercial I thought, Ooh, maybe this show has a “Start Over” gizmo. (On some shows you can click on something to start the show over, though then you have to watch all the commercials too.) Yay!!! It had it. So I started the show over and paused it so I could go in the kitchen to toast a couple bagels so I could really enjoy the show. I was feeling so relieved. So I get out all the stuff I needed for a nice breakfast, put the bagels in and get myself all mentally prepared for the show.

But then, just as the bagels were popping up, I hear the TV go back on. OH, NO!! The Pause thing had come undone, the next show had come on, and of course the Start Over thing wasn’t going to work anymore. Now I’m even madder. I’m jumping up and down yelling stuff at the TV I can’t put in this post. This is not the first time this type of stuff has happened. It happens a lot. And we just just got a new box from Time Warner about two weeks ago because our old DVR kept messing up.

I can’t trust the setup. What is this — the 20th century??

We’d get Direct TV or something else if we could, but there are too many trees in the yard to get a satellite signal. So now Daniel and Maureen are talking about maybe having Tivo on top of Time Warner. They need the high-speed internet connection since they’re on the web a lot. And they pay way over $100 every month to Time Warner. They have one of their top packages. Shouldn’t they be getting better than this for their money? And I’m the one who has to suffer for it too.

I was all set to post about my cool new way to tell time — and believe me, this new method could change the world — but now I don’t even want to be anywhere near that TV or DVR and they’re in the same room with this computer. I might have to actually go outside and play.

from the Dude with the ‘tude and the angriest blogger on the planet right now,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. If anyone knows how to find a way to see The Sports Reporters from today, I’d sure appreciate it.

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

I don’t want to be a planet. I want to be THE SUN!

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Humor Post #38 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Woo-hoo! Anybody see that shot by Austin Rivers to beat UNC last night? Yeah, I guess a couple million people did cause that’s all they were talking about on Sports Center afterwards. Yeah, I’m a Duke fan. Have to be since Daniel is, and without him I don’t get to post here. But I’m not really that happy for me. Hey, it wasn’t me who made that shot. And it wasn’t me who won the game. Actually it wasn’t even the school who won. I didn’t see any buildings playing out there. Yeah, I guess Duke got all those guys to come to Duke so officially Duke won, but I’d still rather be one of the Duke players or especially Austin Rivers after that game. He’s the one who did it, not the fans, not Duke, just him and his team.

Yeah, just like I said about David Freese of the St. Louis Cardinals way back in October, I think it would be SO COOL to be a sports hero and have everyone jumping up and down over whatever it is I did. I can’t even imagine how good that must feel. But I’d sure like to find out.

See, the deal is Austin Rivers gets to remember making that big shot the rest of his life and even if I remember the same thing, I’ll be remembering someone else being the hero. Ya know, I’d rather be thinking about myself making that shot, being the hero in some way. Wasn’t it more fun for the New York Giants in that Super Bowl parade than it was for all the people cheering for them? That’s why I’ll keep working to be somebody so people might remember me too. Don’t know what it’ll be yet. Much as I hate to admit it, it probably won’t be sports or I’d already be a star at something. (Though I can always hope. Gotta keep working on that cross dribble.) And it probably won’t be at hip hop, cause even though I think I can write pretty good stuff, I think I’m — sorry to say — at a racial disadvantage in that career. (Again, I can hope and if I keep working, maybe Usher will notice me like he did Justin Bieber. I know lots of people hate JB, but Usher thinks he’s cool and he knows a lot.)

Somewhere I heard that you can divide everybody into two groups: the 10% that are the movers and the shakers, the people everybody else follows and goes ga-ga over. The other 90% are like the fans that cheer for Duke or Carolina. Nothing the matter with them, nothing at all. A great bunch of people, I’m sure. (Well, most of them anyway.) It’s just that they’re not the ones making the shots. I wanna be the guy making that big shot.

It’s like the way the Universe is all set up. There’s gabillions of planets revolving around a bunch of suns. The planets are like all those fans out there. The suns are like the stars that the planets follow around. I wanna be a sun, not one of the planets. You ever notice that the Sun is so cool, it doesn’t even have a name, like all the planets have. It’s just THE SUN. Like “I don’t even need a name, dude. You know who I am.” How cool is that?

Now I have only one thing left to figure out — how am I gonna be that sun?

from your “still waiting to reach his potential” dude with the ‘tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I’m through trying!

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Humor Post #37 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Good night to all and to all a good night. Wait a minute, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say, “Good evening to all.” Guess I’m kinda confused ’cause I’m all excited about the Super Bowl which is about to start in like a hour. So I’ll get right to tonight’s topic. And though I hate to admit it, the topic for tonight has been stolen. Yes, I heard two eighth graders talking about this in the hall and I doubt that either one is a blogger — don’t ask me how I concluded that — and since I don’t know the name of either and don’t know when I’ll see them again, I’ll just go ahead and tell you what they were saying. So here’s a shout-out to those two eighth graders.

Anyway, here it is. I’m not going to try anymore. Not at anything. Nope, trying is for losers. That’s the lesson I’m here to teach you.

“Now, just a darn-tootin’ minute!” That’s probably what you’re saying right now. If you’re from Hicksville, that is. But you probably have some issues with my statement no matter where you come from. Everyone always says you should try, don’t they? Never give up, they say. But I say, TRYING IS FOR LOSERS. SUCCEEDING IS FOR WINNERS.

Like with the Super Bowl tonight. After the game, who’s going to be jumping around shouting, “We tried! Oh, how we tried!” Not the winners, that’s for sure. They’ll be jumping around, congratulating each other, screaming “We won, we won!”, telling the world they’re going to Disney World, whatever. But one thing they’ll never say (or almost never) is that they tried to win. Nope, that’ll be the job of the losers.

Think about it this way: The teacher walks around the class. She says to Student #1, “Crankenfuss, I want you to work this problem.” She goes to Student #2 and says, “Mr. Not-as-good-as-Crankenfuss, I want you to work this problem as well.” Then she gets to Student #3 (who’s quaking in his boots) and says, “Mr. Nowhere-near-as-good-as-Crankenfuss, I want you to try your best on this problem.” Now which of the three students do you think the teacher doesn’t have a whole lot of confidence in? That’s right. It’s #3 ’cause she asked him to try his best. Yep, that’s code for “I don’t think you can do this, you sad little being, so just do your best and I’ll understand.”

What do mamas of the losing team always say to their babies? “Well, honey, you tried your best. That’s all anybody can expect you to do.”

WRONG! You can expect to succeed. You may not, but you can expect to and that’s maybe half the battle right there. Why just the other day this kid in my class told the teacher he was TRYING TO THINK. Say what? How do you try to think? I wouldn’t trust that guy to get much done.

Now I know there are still some of you who aren’t convinced. Well, if I handed you a pencil and told you to give it back to me, I think you’d have no problem. But if I asked you to TRY to give it to me, you’d look at me funny, wouldn’t you? You just wouldn’t know exactly what to do.

So in the end all I want to say is if you want to make the winning shot, tell the coach you’re going to make the shot. Don’t say, “Coach, I’ll do my best.” Tell him you’ll DO it. See if he (or she) doesn’t like that attitude a lot more.

Okay, I set a new record here. Well, not for brilliance. I usually tie myself each time I post. It’s hard to outdo myself, you see. No, I mean in terms of time. Twenty minutes. YES, I did it. Didn’t really try that hard. Didn’t try at all really. Made a plan and just did it. Like Nike used to say (and probably still does): Just do it. Notice they don’t say: Just try to do it.

Case closed. Game, set, and match to Crankenfuss.

Oh, yeah, and to those two eighth graders too.

from Dr. Crankenfuss, the Dude with the ‘tude (and the guy who still has to set up all his food for the big battle. Can’t tell you who I’m for. I’ll see who wins and probably pretend I was for them. That makes me look a lot smarter, you know.)

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

Tennis players and golfers must be wussies

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Humor Post #35 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So I couldn’t sleep Thursday night and I wake up at like 3 AM and turn on my TV. Not much to see at that hour unless you’re interested in infomercials for football-shaped coffins with your favorite team’s colors and logos plastered all over them, which was pretty funny for awhile, but then it was just kind of pathetic, you know. It was enough to make me go back to sleep. Almost. Then I saw that the Australian Open was on. And there was this great match between Andy Murray (whose name I can spell) and Novak Djokavic (whose name I can’t spell). And even though there were some great shots and stuff the main thing that got to me was every time they were ready to serve, the crowd got real quiet and if there was the least little bit of noise, the announcer would come on and say, “Quiet, please” and everyone would shut up even more. And I thought to myself, “Crankenfuss, it sure seems like those players are pretty sensitive. They can’t take any noise? Any noise at all?” I couldn’t think of any other sport like that, unless you count the National Spelling Bee as a sport. Then I did. Golf! Yeah, I remember one time — though I can’t remember where — they kicked this guy off the course for taking a picture during a big putt or maybe he just yelled something like “In da hole!” Anyway, I remember the TV announcers talking about how rude and crude that spectator was and how he didn’t have any respect for the game.

Please don't breathe too loud or this guy will collapse.

Huh?

What about most every other sport? I like to watch pro football and basketball and most of the time I’m sure the players can hardly hear anything, the crowd is so loud. Yeah, when the home team guy is shooting a foul shot, the crowd gets quiet, but when it’s the other team, the crowd goes nuts, waving their arms, probably yelling stuff about the foul shooter’s mama, and generally acting like maniacs. How come the announcers don’t talk about those fans’ disrespect for the game? In baseball I don’t see how the pitcher can concentrate on anything with the crowd so out of control.

Is this how a tennis player responds to a cheer during his serve?

So I have one question about all this? How come tennis players and golfers are such wussies? Why don’t they just go ahead and play like every other person on a sports team? Maybe they should get their mommies out there to tell them to do their best. (But not while they’re putting or serving, of course. That would be rude.) Just askin’.

I mean, when I write my posts, I never do it in quiet. I have the TV on or the radio or the stereo or something. And on top of that, I have all those voices in my head that keep me from concentrating. So if I can do it, so can those tennis and golf superstars. Time to suck it up, gentlemen (and ladies). Get with the program. Bring on the noise.

from the Dude with the ‘tude, your truth teller and blogger supremo,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. And yes, I did get back to sleep. Thank you for asking. It’s hard for me to get excited about much anything at 3:00 in the morning. I think I lasted probably 20 minutes.

Freak Speak

Let’s get excited like they do in Mexico

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Humor Post #34 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

English is a great language, I’ll say that right up front. First off, it’s probably spoken by more people than anyone else in the world. Now Chinese might be catching up but I’m pretty sure that since they speak English in India, good ol’ English is still on top. Second off, stuff sounds good in English. Songs sound good in English, movies and TV shows sound good in English, my jokes sound good in English, and hey, what else is there that really matters?

But what I’m really getting at is even though English is cool, it could still use a bit of tweaking. Especially with a couple punctuation marks I’ll be talking about today. That would be the question mark and the exclamation point. I never thought much about these two little guys till I started taking Spanish. And it was there that I found out that Spanish speakers have got two things right that we really should copy.

And don’t go telling me we shouldn’t be copycats. (BTW, where did the word “copycat” come from? Cats can’t even write, much less copy.) We copied pizza and ice cream from Italy and China and I don’t hear anyone complaining.

So anyway to get my ADD brain back on topic, here’s the way we ask a question in English:
Hey, Joe, whatcha know?
And here’s how they ask the same question in Spanish:
¿Oye, José, qué sabes?

Do you see a big difference?
No, no, banana head, I can see that the words are different. I’m talking about the punctuation. Yeah, that’s it. They put an upside down question mark at the beginning of the Spanish question. Now why do I like that? Because it warns you that the next sentence is going to be a question, that’s why. Just last week we were taking turns reading out loud from this novel in English class. (Our teacher is big on getting us to practice our “public speaking voice.”) And I was near the end of this sentence that went something like, “And then you’re going to the market and you’re going to talk to Maria?” But I didn’t see the question mark till I was almost at the end of the sentence and it didn’t sound right. If someone had warned me a question was coming up, I could have been prepared. In Spanish, I would’ve been.

They also do the same thing with exclamation points. If you see an upside down exclamation mark at the beginning, you know you’re going to act excited for the whole sentence. Look at these two examples:

With English punctuation:
“I love you incredibly, so much that it makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up to look at you!”

With Spanish punctuation:
“¡I love you incredibly, so much that it makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up to look at you!”

See the difference? It’s huge! In the first one you could be using a romantic, sexy voice and you think you’re supposed to act all sad. Then you see that ending punctuation mark and you have to come to a screeching half on the mushy stuff and start yelling the last few words. Not good. But in the second sentence, you get that warning so you’re all excited right from the get-go. By the time you get to “heart ache,” you’re practically ripping your heart out of your chest and by the end of the sentence, that girl would need Noah’s Ark. Now THAT’S what you could deliver if you knew what was coming.

So, to all of you people out there who can read — and I hope that’s a good percentage of you — if you know who I can write to ask about making this a new grammar law, I’d really appreciate it. I was thinking of writing my Congressman, but my mom says Congress never gets anything done except giving themselves pay raises so that’s probably not the way to go. But who’s in charge of punctuation out there? Guess this’ll take some real research. Maybe the Mexican or Argentinian government can help me. Hope they speak English.

from your gifted gabber, your seeker of sagacity (ooh, sagacity, whoo-hoo!), your middle school master of merriment,
Dr. Crankenfuss, the Dude with the ‘tude