Tag Archives: education

Freak Speak

Why a half should NOT be a half

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Humor Post #62 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Math scores ain’t so high in this country, if you can believe what all those international test results show. Now I’m pretty good at math, but I gotta admit, there’s a lot about it that could be improved. Like fractions, for instance. That’s what I’m going to rant about today. Okay, it’s not going to be a rant. I will be very calm and patient as I explain how THE WAY FRACTIONS ARE NAMED MESSES LITTLE KIDS UP RIGHT AWAY!

See, I was working with my little pal Jojo again. (You can see the last time I worked with the little guy here.) He’s the little brother of a friend of mine and I want to get it where he’ll be considered a junior genius. That shouldn’t be too hard considering who’s teaching him. So I figure I’ll help him get ahead in math. I can picture some scene where his kindergarten teacher is saying, “Okay, class, let’s practice counting up to 3,” and Jojo will go start asking her questions about atomic particle accelerators or 3D quark generators or something else I’ve taught him. All the other kids’ mouths drop open. The teacher will be just a little bit surprised.

At least that was the idea I had. I like to shake things up, ya know.

So since Jojo already knows how to count, I thought I’d start him off with some simple fractions. I got out a chocolate chip cookie — he likes those — and cut it in half. Then I tried to show him how there were two halves in a whole. But he immediately got mixed up with the word “whole” and asked why I wanted to put his cookie into a hole. “I don’t want my cookie all dirty,” I think is the exact quote I got. No, no, I tried to explain how a “whole” meant “one” and I was already getting the little dude confused. But I plowed on anyway.

The next step was to show him when the cookie was cut in two parts, each part would be called a “half.” That blew his little brain even more. So I showed how to cut a cookie into four pieces and each piece would be called a “fourth.” So Jojo asks, “How about if you cut the cookie into six pieces?” and I say, “Then each piece would be a sixth,” so he says, “So if it’s in two pieces, why don’t they call it a twoth?”

Now he had ME all messed up. What a great question! We have fourths, sixth, eighths, tenths, and all the rest. Now “thirds” and “fifths” might throw you off a little, but at least the first two letters are the same. But to change a “two” into H-A-L-F makes NO SENSE! And then there’s that plural of HALF which changes the f to a v. How’s a little guy supposed to learn this stuff? How’s anyone supposed to get it?

THE VERY FIRST FRACTION THEY GIVE YOU — THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE, YOU KNOW, THE EASIEST ONE — GETS YOU ALL BAMZOODLED.

They really should call it a “twoth.” But of course they won’t cause that would get kids mixing up fractions with teeth. (Which makes me wonder why they don’t call more than one half “heef.” But that’s a whole ‘nother thing to consider another time.)

So anyway, to help little Jojo and everyone else in the world who’s ever gotten mixed up learning fractions, here’s the new diagram I think should go in every new math book there is so EVERYONE CAN LEARN FRACTIONS WITHOUT GETTING THEIR HEADS ALL FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN.

Go ahead, show this to your teachers and see if they don’t have to agree with you. But they probably won’t want to because that would rock their worlds too much, ya know.

So go have a great day (or night) and remember who’s doing his best to make the world make better sense for everyone.

That would be:
Dr. Crankenfuss
The Dude with the ‘Tude

Freak Speak

Hey, you thought 6th grade math was hard? Try these 4th grade problems.

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Humor Post #60 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Way back on March 14, I gave you some sixth grade algebra problems that our teacher was giving us to prepare for the EOGs (those standardized End-of-Grade Tests). These tests — They’re next week! Y-a-a-a-a-h! — are really important because they supposedly let the world know how smart we are, how good our teachers are, and how good our schools are. Well, maybe they tell you that stuff and maybe they don’t. I’d just like some adults, mainly the ones who make us take these things, to subject their brains to the same tests. You know, let them do the sweating for once. I don’t think the results would be very pretty. Kind of like a dog’s behind, if you know what I mean.

Now I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know how bad it really was till yesterday. See, I got sources deep inside the school system and they’ve been feeding me some valuable inside info. Actually they’re just a couple kids down the street who are in the fourth grade at a school near us. But they showed me the kind of stuff they have to do in class to get ready for their EOGs. As the TV Batman would say, “Holy hippopotamuses!” And I would say, “I feel for you, little dudes. These problems are harder than my head!” And baby, that is H-A-R-D! These stupid problems were ridiculous! How can anybody expect fourth graders to do these things? It’s like they think we’re in college or something!

Think I’m whining too much? That I’m being too much of a Crankenfuss?

Well then, you try ’em, wise guy! And remember, these things are meant for FOURTH GRADERS! I’m just giving you four little bitty questions. There were 12 on this homework sheet! Get ready for a lickin’ that’ll keep on stickin’, folks.

FOURTH GRADE EOG PRACTICE TEST QUESTIONS

1. Darius and Charlie are saving quarters. Darius saves 7 quarters for every 3 that Charlie saves. How many quarters will Charlie have saved when Darius has saved up 42 quarters?
a. 45
b. 21
c. 18
d. 35

2. Using these three pieces of information, which of the four answers is true?
Information Piece #1: R + R = K + R + K
Information Piece #2: R + K = G + G
Information Piece #3: R = 20
a. R < G b. R > K
c. K > G
d. G > R

3. What is the value of the expression 6 X 8 + 12 ÷ 2?
a. 30
b. 54
c. 60
d. 84

4. Ms. Jones wrote this expression on the white board: 27 – 5 X 4 + 6 =
Which operation should a person do first to find the value of the expression?
a. 27 – 5
b. 5 X 4
c. 4 + 6
d. 27 + 6

Had enough yet? As they like to say at Staples, “THAT WAS EASY!”

Click here to see how you did. But you might want to take an aspirin first. And let other people try these questions out. Maybe they’ll take some pity on us poor students and get teachers to give us some work that’s a teeny bit easier.

From the Dude who’s watchin’ out for all the kids out there,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

When is a foot not a foot? When it’s YOUR foot, that’s when.

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Humor Post #57 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

We’ve been doing all this measuring at school in math, comparing the USA system to the metric system and stuff like that. I gotta say the metric system makes way more sense, but that’s not what this is about. This is about a real little thing, but I still think it’s important. To measure stuff we mostly use rulers and yardsticks and tape measures. Now tape measures make a lot of sense, especially the ones that are metal and curl up inside their case. Rulers are okay if you have a backpack but forget it if you only have pockets and don’t like being poked in the side. And yardsticks are just useless for carrying around, aren’t they? Well, you could put one down your pants leg, but that would probably slow you down just a little.

Anyway, here’s the small thing. We have a nice name for the stick that’s a yard long. Uh, it’s called a YARDSTICK. Makes sense, doesn’t it? We don’t use it a whole lot, but it does have a sensible name. So what do we call a stick that’s a foot long, you know, the one we use all the time. “A FOOTSTICK,” you yell out, “it’s gotta be a FOOTSTICK.” How sadly wrong you are, Paco. It’s called a RULER. What good does that do anybody? A ruler can be a foot or it can be six or eight inches. The word ruler doesn’t tell you anything. It certainly doesn’t rule.

Wouldn’t kids learn what a foot was better if we actually had something called a FOOTSTICK? The way it is now, a teacher has to explain that a ruler has 12 inches and, oh yeah, a ruler is usually a foot and a foot has 12 inches too. No wonder kids can’t do math right.

And why do they call it a FOOT anyway? Probably because the guy who invented it put a stick next to his foot and decided, “I think I’ll call this length of stick a foot. Yeah, that’ll make it easy for everyone for the rest of eternity.”

Thanks a lot, Bozo!

Freak Speak

You want to see how good a reader you are? Try this test.

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Humor Post #56 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

We had a great reading lesson today.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “What?? Where’s ol’ Crankenfuss’s usual rant, his whining, his complaining, his ‘I hate everything’ way of looking at the whole world?”

Well, I’ll tell you. That attitude is on hiatus for this blog post. (Yeah, it’s a new word I just learned. You can look it up.) Today I’m Mr. Happy Face cause my English teacher had this cool lesson. She brought out five of those mini-bags of popcorn and said the first five people to complete this silent reading contest she was ready to pass out would get a bag of popcorn. That got us hyped cause what’s not to like about popcorn? So she handed out this paper face down on everybody’s desk and when she was done, she said, “Okay, turn it over and you may begin. Bring it to me when you’re through. If you’re one of the first five to finish it, I have your prize right here.”

Now I consider myself a pretty good reader so I figured I’d have a pretty good shot at bringing home the bacon… uh, popcorn. So I tore into it like an alligator into a wildebeest. (I saw that happen on “Planet Earth.” One of the gruesomest things I’ve ever watched four or five times. So sad. For the wildebeest anyway.)

Here’s what was on the sheet of paper, starting right at the top:
——————————————————————————————————

This is a contest to see who can follow instructions the best. There are 20 tasks listed on this paper. The first one to finish them wins. But please read all the tasks before you start. When you have completed the assignment, bring it to the teacher and she’ll give you your prize.

1. Write your last name. ________________________________
2. Write the last name of this class’s teacher. ___________________________________
3. Put the current year on the line at the right. ___________________
4. Do not do anything on this line.
5. Write the name of the city we live in. __________________________________
6. Write the name of the state we live in. _________________________________
7. What is the name of our school? _____________________________________________
8. What is the last name of our President? ___________________________
9. Skip this line and go all the way to Number 15.
10. What is 72 + 8? _______
11. What is 3 multiplied by 3? ______
12. How many weeks are in a day? Circle the correct answer. A. 7   B. 30   C. 31   D. 1/7
13. What is the antonym of the word synonym? _________________________
14. What is the abbreviation for United States of America? __________________
15. Who was the USA’s first President? George _____________________
16. From which country did we win our independence? (Hint: It rhymes with Bingland.) ________________________
17. Go back and answer Number 10-14.
18. Write the alphabet backwards from G to A? ________________________________
19. Did you read all these tasks before you started? __________
20. Don’t write anything on this page. All you have to do is bring it to the teacher for your prize. Don’t tell anyone how you did it so fast. If you’re one of the first five, you WIN!

——————————————————————————————————-

Man, after the first eight things to answer, I was in a groove. I figured I had a great chance of winning. My hands were flying like an F-18. And then it happened. The first person finished and brought up her paper. HUH?? How was that possible. I was only on Number 6. Then two more people came up. NO!! HOW HAD THEY FINISHED SO FAST?? After another two more minutes, two others had come up and the teacher was out of popcorn. The biggest mystery was the last two to come up weren’t even very good students. They were making like maybe C’s in the class. HOW COULD I BE LOSING TO THEM?

IT WASN’T FAIR! My mouth was sweating, almost drooling really, it was craving that popcorn so much, especially after the winners had opened their bags and were happily munching away. There were some grumbles about the test not being fair, so our teacher made us put our pens and pencils down and made us read the instructions at the top of the paper again. “This time read them very carefully,” she said. I did what she said and after a couple minutes, I saw why I’d lost. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS! And the key to everything was in boldface. But I have to admit it was a cool reading test.

So here I’m offering it to you. Maybe you can print it out and have your teacher give it to your class. Of course, that means you’ll win, which is even better.

Just one more helpful suggestion from
The Dude Who was in the Mood for some Food,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Who was the dumbbell who invented the electric pencil sharpener? I hope they feel guilty.

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Humor Post #47 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, I’m kinda hooked on computers. I’m waiting for the day when we don’t need pencils anymore. Now I’m not totally anti-pencil. I can see how they’re easier than computers if you actually have to work a math problem yourself. I mean when the teacher gives you a calculator-inactive problem, I’m glad a have a pencil to do the work. A pen can’t be erased And writing numbers on a sheet of paper is easier than typing them on a computer would be. (The spacing and all those math symbols would mess me up.)  Yeah, pencils are kind of messy but I’m not ready to ban them yet.

Electric pencil sharpeners, on the other hand, should be thrown in the old dumperoo immediately. Why? you ask. Let me calculate the ways:
1. They’re NOISY!! Whenever someone sharpens their pencil, it’s worse than that old fingernails on the chalkboard thing. (And I don’t think I’ve seen a chalkboard for maybe a century now.) No, it’s more like a high-pitched, whining dentist drill sound and it makes my teeth hurt. Some teachers won’t let their students use them after class starts. I don’t see how anything gets done when they’re on.

2. They wear out too easy. In half my classes, you can stand there for maybe two minutes trying to get your pencil sharp and the blades inside the sharpener must be worn out cause I think I could do a better job with my teeth. I think the companies know this. That’s how they sell more of them.

3. They’re dangerous. Even when they do work, the pencils come out looking like something a serial killer might use on his victims. I don’t think doctors’ scalpels are as sharp as a freshy sharpened pencil. Think how many eyes we might save if we get rid of them. (BTW, I tried to find info on how many eyes get poked out by hyper-sharp pencils, but the web let me down on that attempt.)

4. Most kids are already out of shape. How about giving them some hearty aerobic exercise by, gasp, making them move their arm round and round to sharpen their pencil? The motion will also help them get better at hauling in a fish on a fishing pole (in case they’re into fishing, that is). Sharpening your pencil probably uses up around 5 calories or so and since 2700 calories is equal to a pound (or something like that), if you sharpen your pencil 540 times, you’ll maybe lose a pound. Yeah, I know that’s probably two years worth of pencil sharpening, but Crankenfuss is thinking about your health here. And every little bit counts, doesn’t it?

5. Everyone knows that our economy is not in the greatest shape. And a lot of schools are laying off teachers. Well, maybe if everyone stopped using all that electric power on those stupid electric sharpeners, the schools could hire back a teacher or three.

At home my mom still has an old-fashioned windup pencil sharpener and it works fine. Now I complain about a lot of stuff, but I don’t complain about that. And if I don’t complain about it, it’s probably not worth complaining about.

So, for your ears’ sake, for your eyes’ sake, for your health’s sake, for education’s sake, and last, but certainly not least, for Dr. Crankenfuss’s sake, let’s get rid of those dumb electric pencil sharpeners.

Maybe this could become a good issue for some presidential candidate to talk about. Some of them could probably use some new, brilliant ideas.

So that’s it for today. I’m glad to have brought a little sunshine into your life (unless you live in the desert, in which case you don’t need any more).

from Your Dude with the ‘Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss