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Freak Speak

THE MOOSE HAVE BEEN LOOSED!

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Humor Post #82 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Somebody once said, “There is nothing new under the sun.” Well, besides the fact that this dude was wrong — hey, I just watched the Giants crush Green Bay Sunday night and that was new — HE WAS REALLY WRONG! There is something like totally new under the sun ready to make its appearance. You know, like no one’s every heard of it or thought of it before. That would be Daniel Berenson’s books of MOOSE JOKES. Notice that the word “book” is plural. He’s publishing two of them in the next couple weeks, but to get a sneak look at what’s coming, he and Maureen (his girlfriend who does so much work and gets so little credit) have put out a preview on the new Moose Jokes page at FDB (that would be Freaky Dude Books).

So check ’em out and see what you think. Daniel says they’re kind of like elephant jokes, which apparently were kind of big back in ancient times, but he says people like moose a lot more than elephants and their breath isn’t as bad.

Yeah, I know. I don’t get everything he says either even though he’s like my bro and all. But I have to say he tries.

Talk to you again soon as Daniel lets me know something that I think’s worth hearing.

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Football stats are great. Except for the ones that are stupid.

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Humor Post #81 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

The many millions of people (and maybe some of the non-people) who read this blog know Dr. Crankenfuss likes sports,  especially the NFL this time of year.  And what’s a better way to work off 40,000 calories of Thanksgiving food than by parking your big tush in front of the TV and watching a great NFL game? Well that’s what the Crank was ready for last night. He watched some of the New England – NY Jets game. It was close — for one quarter, that is. Then New England scored 35 points in the second quarter — yeah, you read that right… 35 points! — and my interest went down just a bit. I mean, I like New England, but it was like watching hunters shooting baby deer. Gruesome. I fell asleep soon after the second half began.

So I looked up the write-up of the game at ESPN this morning and guess what I found. THE STATISTICS FOR THE GAME DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE! Well, most of them anyway.

“What does that ADHD barely-a-teenager know about football?” you’re probably saying. Okay, I’ll show you. The final score was New England 49 — Jets 19. A slaughter, right? But when I checked out the numbers at ESPN, what you see doesn’t show any kind of massacre. Look down a little on the right of the page and let’s peruse — ooh, another cool word I just learned — those stats.
First downs — Both teams had 25.
Total plays — Both teams had 67.
Total yards — 475 to 405 for New England
Total drives — 14 to 11 for New York
Passing — Brady of New England was 18 for 28, but Sanchez of NY was 26 for 36
Time of possession — 30 1/2 minutes for NY, 29 1/2 minutes for New England

You get what I’m sayin’, people? No way these stats show you how bad NY got their faces rubbed in it. Yes, they’re all true, but the most important stat by far is TURNOVERS: New York had 5 and New England had 1. And New England ran two fumbles back for touchdowns. So that “Time of possession” number a few lines up is kind of useless. Heck, in the second quarter, New England had the ball for only 2:14 and scored 35 points! Where can you find that it those oh-so-official stats? I’ll tell you. You can’t!

So Dr. Crankenfuss proposes a new statistic. RETURN YARDAGE. Not just for kickoff and punt returns. It will include all the yards a team gets from running back fumbles, interceptions, punts, and kickoffs, and that statistic will be part of the TOTAL YARDS number. (There are a few tweaks still needed, like how to take off for a guy’s No-No-Please-No! kickoff return from the end zone to the 10-yard line, or another super-key stat I’ll call BONEHEAD PLAYS, but no time here for all that.)

This new way of showing the truth will be called the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM. It’s still evolving, but at least when fans look at the numbers, it’ll be easy to see how New England beat the Jets by 30 points when so many of the old, stupid stats just don’t show it.

And yeah, I know fantasy football fanatics might already keep some of these stats. At least with the CRANKENFUSS SYSTEM, the numbers will be easy to find.

Signing off. Peace out. Word! Uh, till next time, it’s
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Twinkies are going extinct? Oh, no! But Google Glass is even better!

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Humor Post #80 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I’ve discovered something really cool. Well, I didn’t discover it exactly. My mom showed me an article and it got me all happy and excited about the future. See, times are bad in general. There’s war somewhere, people are starving somewhere — I’m pretty sure of it — and some guy is eating someone else’s face, probably in Miami. And to make everything worse, the Hostess Company, maker of Twinkies, everyone’s favorite health food snack, is going belly up. What you see below is what was on the Today Show just a few days ago.

TODAY | Aired on November 19, 2012
Twinkie-maker heads to bankruptcy hearing—
Hostess, maker of the iconic Twinkie cake, will have a hearing before a bankruptcy judge on Monday to begin the work of shutting down and selling off its assets. Meanwhile, many loyal customers are rushing to snatch up what may be the last of its products. NBC’s Mara Schiavocampo reports.

Woe to the world! What is everyone going to do when they get hungry? I mean, there’s hardly any other sweet snacks out there to choose from. Without Twinkies, I think life might lose its meaning.

Anyway, that’s what I was thinking till my mom told me about Google Glass. It’ll be out within two years and I can’t wait. Well, maybe I can. What choice do I have? But to have a whole computer sitting on your head has to be like the slamtastickest thing to come around in a while. No, it doesn’t look that stupid. Check out the link below.

http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/13/google-glass-and-the-future-of-technology/

See, you wear it like a super-thin pair of clear sunglasses. Actually, it’s more like a hair band pulled over your eyebrows, but it will have a phone, a teeny screen that somehow looks like a big one to your eyes, voice recognition, kind of a Siri thing happening, access to the internet, and make up that will make you irresistible to anyone you’re interested in. Well, maybe I made that last part up, but anything’s possible with this thing. I couldn’t understand half the article, but I did figure out this could be the greatest invention since video games. You wear this thing in class and every answer in the world is at your eye tips. I could probably get my doctor to say I have to wear them because of my ADD or something and the teacher would have to let me use them. Can you say, “playing video games during class”? YES!!

So that’s my GOOD NEWS FOR THE DAY! (I put that in capitals cause I’m kinda known for being a downer so this is a big change. At least for today.)

So keep on the lookout for Google Glass and stock up on those Twinkies.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Farmer in the Dell? More like “Farmer in Hell.” Farmer eaten by his own hogs?? OMG!

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Humor Post #78 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I can get pretty negative at times. Okay, very negative. But every so often I read stuff that makes me glad I’m alive. Or at least I’m alive and not having the awful luck some people seem to have. But today’s news goes way beyond that. Thank you, Lord, for not letting this happen to me. A farmer went to feed his hogs somewhere in Oregon. When he didn’t show up after a while, people went to look for him. All they found in the hog pen were his dentures!!

You can read about it here.

I know there’ll be jokes all over the internet like the animals going “hog wild” or the hogs were no doubt making a preemptive strike, but hey, I eat bacon and I know I have hog farmers to thank for getting it to me. So I feel bad for that guy and his family.

Nothin’ else to say. Have a good day, everyone, and let people around you know you appreciate them. You never know what’s around the next bend.

From your reformed (for today, at least) grouch,
The Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The post office won’t give a kid a 6″ piece of tape for his package. What’s with that?

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Humor Post #77 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Last post I had something nice to say. For once. I said I liked my mailman even though I thought his job wasn’t long for this world. Well, I changed my mind. That’s what I get for being nice. Oh, my mailman’s still okay. Unless they move his job to behind the counter at the post office. Then I won’t like him anymore.

“Huh?” you’re saying (and not quietly either). Let me explain. I wanted to send a few CDs I’d made to my cousin yesterday so I got my mom to take me to the post office cause they have those padded kinds of envelopes I needed. So I get the package, which costs $1.79. Sounds fair. Everything’s copacetic so far. I write the address and all that on the package, stick in the CDs, and I’m set to go. I get up to the guy behind the counter, he weighs the package, and I pay him for the stamps. Still everything’s just fine and dandy.

Then I ask him to put an extra piece of tape on the flap of the envelope to make sure the CDs don’t fall out, you know. No big deal, I think, and better safe than sorry and all that.  Well, it turns out it IS a big deal. “You didn’t send your package priority mail so we can’t give you any tape,” the guy says.

Are you kidding me? A lousy piece of tape? What’s it gotta cost the post office — maybe half a cent? I just gave the guy like four bucks for my stuff and this is the gentle kindness I receive. I asked him again about it and he said again that if I sent the package priority mail, he’d put a piece of tape on it. But that would cost me extra, like way more than half a cent extra. Sure, it would get there a couple days earlier but hey, my cousin’s getting the music for free. He doesn’t even know he’s getting it since it’s a surprise. What’s he care if it comes in two days or five days?

So I know the post office is in trouble and all that, but saving your precious pieces of tape ain’t gonna solve the problem, bro’. I just hope that package doesn’t break open or I might have to find a lawyer. One that specializes in kids that would look sweet and sympathetic on the news.

So, ol’ Crankenfuss still likes his mailman. It’s just that he doesn’t feel so bad about the post office being in trouble anymore.

So all of you out there, stay strong, stay smart, and plan ahead if you’re sending any packages at the post office. Bring your own tape.

Have a good day/week/month/year/life.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss