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Freak Speak

Yo, aliens from outer space, Is that all you got?

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Humor Post #48 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Do you believe aliens from outer space have visited Earth? I don’t know what to think about it. Lots of people say they have. And it’s pretty hard to believe that with all the billions of planets that are probably out there that not one other planet has any life on it. Of course, that life may not look a whole lot like ours. For instance there could be a world that contains millions of little dudes who look like spatulas and turkey basters. Or they could exist in two or three dimensions at once and be invisible. I’m talking about the ones who’d be capable of flying a space ship to Earth, of course, not the ones who might still resemble slimy little amoebas and have microscopic brains. (And don’t you go say that last description reminds you of me. I’ll have you know I look way better than a slimy amoeba. At least 20% better.)

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I was watching a tv show Saturday afternoon and this guy was talking about “ancient astronauts” who visited Earth from other planets. And they taught people how to build the Sphinx and the pyramids. One place the show kept pointing out were these hundreds of huge stones in France called the Carnac stones that sit in perfect lines and formations like triangles that ancient peoples wouldn’t know about. And there couldn’t be any other explanation for them except space men visiting Earth.

It was all really kind of interesting. But Crankenfuss believes nothing of what he hears and very little of what he sees without real proof. So I started thinking. Yeah, those rocks are pretty cool. But why would space guys help people build those? Was that all they had? C’mon!! They travel billions of miles and close to the speed of light in these amazing spaceships that must have had equipment that would floor any scientist nowadays and what do the aliens show these ancient French dudes. How to build a stone triangle, that’s what! “Ooooh, that’ll show ’em how advanced we are,” those aliens were thinking. Dudes, get a clue! Why not a laser machine or at least a old dune buggie? Wouldn’t a telephone have been a pretty cool thing to introduce. Or considering that they were in France, the spacemen could have whipped up a delicious batch of Chocolate Mousse? After all, that’s a dessert that obviously didn’t exist back then and those ancient French knuckle draggers would have eaten that up. Literally.

A bunch of stones in a line?? That’s pitiful, space dudes!

So maybe aliens have been here to scope us out but until I see something more impressive that a big stone statue or a bunch of lined up rocks, call me skeptical.

And if you have any better proof we’ve been a tourist destination for centuries from other-worldly worlds, I’d love to hear your evidence.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
The Show-Me Guy Who’s not even from Missouri,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Who was the dumbbell who invented the electric pencil sharpener? I hope they feel guilty.

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Humor Post #47 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, I’m kinda hooked on computers. I’m waiting for the day when we don’t need pencils anymore. Now I’m not totally anti-pencil. I can see how they’re easier than computers if you actually have to work a math problem yourself. I mean when the teacher gives you a calculator-inactive problem, I’m glad a have a pencil to do the work. A pen can’t be erased And writing numbers on a sheet of paper is easier than typing them on a computer would be. (The spacing and all those math symbols would mess me up.)  Yeah, pencils are kind of messy but I’m not ready to ban them yet.

Electric pencil sharpeners, on the other hand, should be thrown in the old dumperoo immediately. Why? you ask. Let me calculate the ways:
1. They’re NOISY!! Whenever someone sharpens their pencil, it’s worse than that old fingernails on the chalkboard thing. (And I don’t think I’ve seen a chalkboard for maybe a century now.) No, it’s more like a high-pitched, whining dentist drill sound and it makes my teeth hurt. Some teachers won’t let their students use them after class starts. I don’t see how anything gets done when they’re on.

2. They wear out too easy. In half my classes, you can stand there for maybe two minutes trying to get your pencil sharp and the blades inside the sharpener must be worn out cause I think I could do a better job with my teeth. I think the companies know this. That’s how they sell more of them.

3. They’re dangerous. Even when they do work, the pencils come out looking like something a serial killer might use on his victims. I don’t think doctors’ scalpels are as sharp as a freshy sharpened pencil. Think how many eyes we might save if we get rid of them. (BTW, I tried to find info on how many eyes get poked out by hyper-sharp pencils, but the web let me down on that attempt.)

4. Most kids are already out of shape. How about giving them some hearty aerobic exercise by, gasp, making them move their arm round and round to sharpen their pencil? The motion will also help them get better at hauling in a fish on a fishing pole (in case they’re into fishing, that is). Sharpening your pencil probably uses up around 5 calories or so and since 2700 calories is equal to a pound (or something like that), if you sharpen your pencil 540 times, you’ll maybe lose a pound. Yeah, I know that’s probably two years worth of pencil sharpening, but Crankenfuss is thinking about your health here. And every little bit counts, doesn’t it?

5. Everyone knows that our economy is not in the greatest shape. And a lot of schools are laying off teachers. Well, maybe if everyone stopped using all that electric power on those stupid electric sharpeners, the schools could hire back a teacher or three.

At home my mom still has an old-fashioned windup pencil sharpener and it works fine. Now I complain about a lot of stuff, but I don’t complain about that. And if I don’t complain about it, it’s probably not worth complaining about.

So, for your ears’ sake, for your eyes’ sake, for your health’s sake, for education’s sake, and last, but certainly not least, for Dr. Crankenfuss’s sake, let’s get rid of those dumb electric pencil sharpeners.

Maybe this could become a good issue for some presidential candidate to talk about. Some of them could probably use some new, brilliant ideas.

So that’s it for today. I’m glad to have brought a little sunshine into your life (unless you live in the desert, in which case you don’t need any more).

from Your Dude with the ‘Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Some people should put bags over their heads

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Humor Post #46 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Now don’t get your shorts all bunched up over my title up there. I’m not talking about people for their looks or anything. Although I do have to admit that there are some people out there whose looks could use some improvement. Like in some instances, brushing your teeth would be a good start. I don’t especially like someone smiling at me and I can see what they had that morning for breakfast. Or who knows? Maybe it’s last week’s dinner. Whatever, I don’t need to know about it, okay?

No, what I’m talking about here is a matter of health and well-being, particularly mine. There’s this guy in one of my classes. Let’s just call him Dummkopf for convenience’s sake. So he shows up at school with a cold. Now that in itself isn’t a crime. Why should you stay home for a cold? Then I’d be like, “Aw, what’s da mattuh wittle guy? My wittle baby have a big bad cold? Aww, let mommy put you to bed now.” No, staying at home for a cold is kind of wussy, isn’t it? But I do have a small suggestion for ol’ Dummkopf. When you feel the need to sneeze, how about holding back on the snot parade, okay? I mean this guy lets it fly, like outta the park, you know? Once I got a nice hose down of fine spray. Now I’m on a death watch, worrying about what little killers he might have let loose into the atmosphere that are now probably breeding inside me. Not a pleasant thought.

I went on the web and found the evidence for what I’m talking about. This clip, is from the BBC and the narrator has a British accent so you know he’s gotta be smart. It’s not even a minute long, but I tell you — the last ten seconds will make you think twice about how you look when you don’t cover up your nasty sneezes in public. Talk about gross!

So here’s to covering your mouth when you sneeze — I’m talking about you, Dummkopf, and all the slobs like you — and here’s to my not coming down with flesh-eating viruses that might keep me from blogging all the stuff that keeps your life worth living. And if you can’t cover your mouth, please refer to the title. That would be at the top of this post, Stupidhead… excuse me, I mean Dummkopf. (Gotta keep it in its proper German, ya know. Makes him sound dumber that way.)

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
your Scold Against Colds,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

Dude, think you can do 6th grade algebra? I don’t think so.

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Humor Post #45 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So we’re starting to get ready for our EOG’s (End-of-Grade) tests, these standardized things where you fill in the bubbles and they tell you if it’s worth it for you to be alive. Well okay, it’s not that bad, but these things are supposed to be important. So our math teacher has been giving us review problems to get us ready. I showed a couple of them to my mom and she told me she had no clue how to do them. Hah, one more way I’m better than her. (No, don’t go tell her that. She’ll kill me. Hey Mom, it was a joke. Oh no, not with the shovel!! A-h-h-h!!)

Anyway, I got the idea to test you guys out in this. I’m going to give you five Algebra problems our teacher gave us with four choices for each. Figure them out, make your selections, then click on the answer link to get the answers. I’d say “No cheating,” but I know a lot of you will. After all, who wants to admit they can’t do sixth grade math.

BTW, these are not advanced Algebra questions. They were for all the sixth graders to do.

1. The cost of a school banquet is $75 + 30n, where n is the number of people attending. What is the cost for 53 people?
a. $1,590
b. $4,005
c. $1,665
d. $158

2. To find the gasoline economy figure for a car in miles per gallon (mpg), you can use the expression d ÷ g, where d represents the distance traveled by the car, and g represents the number of gallons of gasoline used. Find the gasoline economy figure for a car that travels 200 miles on 5 gallons of gasoline.
a. 205 mpg
b. 40 mpg
c. 25 mpg
d. 38 mpg

3. During a canned food drive, Bob collected 6 times as many cans as Tom. If t represents the number of cans that Tom collected, which algebraic expression represents the number of cans that Bob collected?
a. 6t
b. 7t
c. 6 + t
d. 7 + t

4. Mike is 2 inches more than two times as tall as his younger brother Jake. If Jake is h inches tall, which expression describes Mike’s height?
a. 2(h – 2)
b. 2(h + 2)
c. 2h + 2
d. 2h – 2

5. Solve the equation: 2.2 = z ÷ 57
a. 62.7
b. 125.4
c. 59.2
d. 54.8

Ooh, I bet you aced it, huh? Click here to find out the correct answers.

Freak Speak

Intentional Walks in Baseball? Give me a break!!

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Humor Post #43 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

You thought I was done turning sports rules upside down? Hey, I’m just getting started. I mean, pro baseball just expanded their playoffs. That’s rule changing, isn’t it? And they want the new round of playoffs to be ONE GAME. Remember, baseball isn’t like football or basketball where you have the same team every game. In baseball, the main ingredient changes every game. And that would be the pitcher. A baseball team changes from a Monday to a Tuesday like a cake changes to a pie. Both have most of the same stuff, but boy, they don’t look or taste the same. Not that I’m talking about tasting a baseball team, but you get the picture. Anyway, what I’m saying is that this first round should be best two out of three. That would at least test the main part of both teams’ starting pitching staff.

But here’s the rule I really want to change in baseball: THE INTENTIONAL BASE ON BALLS. I want it banned, banished, killed, have the big kabosh put on it. It’s way worse than the “Hack a Hulk” intentional fouls I talked about in my last post. At least there the player has a chance to make two points. In baseball, he just gets to first base with no chance to make even a double.

Let’s use Barry Bonds as an example. Now I was about three years old when he was blasting just about everything out of the park. But everyone knows about him. And in 2004 — I looked this up — he was at bat 617 times and walked 232 times. That’s over 1/3 of the time! Now “only” 120 of these walks were listed as “intentional,” but come on. You know what happened. Most pitchers who did take the chance of facing ol’ Barry probably gave him nothing to really hit and he ended up getting an “unintentional” walk.

And just to stick this amazing fact in, Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals was given an intentional walk in the World Series WITH NO ONE ON BASE. The Texas Rangers were so afraid of what Albert could do them they didn’t even give him the chance to bat WITH NOBODY ON BASE. Oh, am I repeating myself? repeating myself? Well, that’s because it’s unbelievable to me that the whole sport wouldn’t let all their paying customers get to see what they buy their tickets to see. Let’s see, wouldn’t that be one team’s pitcher trying to get out the other team’s best hitter?

So I don’t know what else to say about it. I guess we could let football teams let the other team’s best runner get a free three yards every time he touches the ball. As soon as that guy got handed the ball, the game could be stopped and the runner’s team would get a free three yards.

I can’t figure out how you could work that “intentional walk” or “Hack the Hulk” in hockey. Makes me want to get more into hockey.

Now I’ll shut up. Let’s just get rid of the intentional walk in baseball so the fans get to see hitters hit.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss