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Freak Speak

Let’s get excited like they do in Mexico

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Humor Post #34 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

English is a great language, I’ll say that right up front. First off, it’s probably spoken by more people than anyone else in the world. Now Chinese might be catching up but I’m pretty sure that since they speak English in India, good ol’ English is still on top. Second off, stuff sounds good in English. Songs sound good in English, movies and TV shows sound good in English, my jokes sound good in English, and hey, what else is there that really matters?

But what I’m really getting at is even though English is cool, it could still use a bit of tweaking. Especially with a couple punctuation marks I’ll be talking about today. That would be the question mark and the exclamation point. I never thought much about these two little guys till I started taking Spanish. And it was there that I found out that Spanish speakers have got two things right that we really should copy.

And don’t go telling me we shouldn’t be copycats. (BTW, where did the word “copycat” come from? Cats can’t even write, much less copy.) We copied pizza and ice cream from Italy and China and I don’t hear anyone complaining.

So anyway to get my ADD brain back on topic, here’s the way we ask a question in English:
Hey, Joe, whatcha know?
And here’s how they ask the same question in Spanish:
¿Oye, José, qué sabes?

Do you see a big difference?
No, no, banana head, I can see that the words are different. I’m talking about the punctuation. Yeah, that’s it. They put an upside down question mark at the beginning of the Spanish question. Now why do I like that? Because it warns you that the next sentence is going to be a question, that’s why. Just last week we were taking turns reading out loud from this novel in English class. (Our teacher is big on getting us to practice our “public speaking voice.”) And I was near the end of this sentence that went something like, “And then you’re going to the market and you’re going to talk to Maria?” But I didn’t see the question mark till I was almost at the end of the sentence and it didn’t sound right. If someone had warned me a question was coming up, I could have been prepared. In Spanish, I would’ve been.

They also do the same thing with exclamation points. If you see an upside down exclamation mark at the beginning, you know you’re going to act excited for the whole sentence. Look at these two examples:

With English punctuation:
“I love you incredibly, so much that it makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up to look at you!”

With Spanish punctuation:
“¡I love you incredibly, so much that it makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up to look at you!”

See the difference? It’s huge! In the first one you could be using a romantic, sexy voice and you think you’re supposed to act all sad. Then you see that ending punctuation mark and you have to come to a screeching half on the mushy stuff and start yelling the last few words. Not good. But in the second sentence, you get that warning so you’re all excited right from the get-go. By the time you get to “heart ache,” you’re practically ripping your heart out of your chest and by the end of the sentence, that girl would need Noah’s Ark. Now THAT’S what you could deliver if you knew what was coming.

So, to all of you people out there who can read — and I hope that’s a good percentage of you — if you know who I can write to ask about making this a new grammar law, I’d really appreciate it. I was thinking of writing my Congressman, but my mom says Congress never gets anything done except giving themselves pay raises so that’s probably not the way to go. But who’s in charge of punctuation out there? Guess this’ll take some real research. Maybe the Mexican or Argentinian government can help me. Hope they speak English.

from your gifted gabber, your seeker of sagacity (ooh, sagacity, whoo-hoo!), your middle school master of merriment,
Dr. Crankenfuss, the Dude with the ‘tude

Are You Freaky Smart?

Caution: Newest Brain Terminator Appears Here

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For this IQ killing Brain Teaser, you need to be somewhat proficient in two fields: counting and spelling. If your level in either of these is below the fourth grade level, you may encounter difficulties with this one. Otherwise, this is a lock, dudes.

Here you go. We call this one “You can count on it.”
If you had to spell out each number as you counted — as in one, two, three, etc. (No, etc. is not a number. If you thought it was, maybe this puzzle is a little over your head.)

Let’s start over, okay?
If you had to spell out each number as you counted, how far would you have to go before you used the letter a in your spelling?

Now if you really have to write every number in order, we promise you this will take a long time. But if you’ve mastered the advanced skill of spelling out loud, you’ll get the answer. However, we think you’ll be surprised anyway by the result.

Click here for the answer. (Clue: the answer is not “a bazillion.”)

Freak Speak

Daniel uses a four-letter word on the Freaky Dude Books site — DIET

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Daniel Berenson, head guy at Freaky Dude BooksConfession from the guy who brings you most of the junk at Freaky Dude Books (except the art and animations that come from Maureen, but we all know her stuff doesn’t hold a candle to Daniel’s genius writing)–

So here’s the confession. I’m going on a diet. Again. Now this site is supposed to be entertaining and we hope it is, but there’s nothing entertaining about not being able to tie my shoes because my big ol’ gut’s in the way. Okay, it’s not that bad, but here’s the story. I spent most of last year losing 30 pounds. Ooh, I was so proud. I exercised all the time, kept my food intake under control (most of the time) and was ready to lose even more. Then I made my first mistake. Went on a dance cruise with Maureen.

No, honey, I didn’t mean you were the mistake. Honey, no, no, not the electric toothbrush in the eye! Let me explain. O-w-w-w!

Whew, that wasn’t fun. Anyway, back to the subject before she comes back with something sharper. And the dancing was fine too. It was those all-you-can-eat-anytime-you-want buffets and snack bars that did me in. And when I came back, I’d caught the food fever. So I’ve gained back 1/3 of what I lost. That would be 10 out of 30 pounds.

Daniel no happy with himself.

So now I’m putting it on the line. And online. I’m going to lose 10 pounds in two months. Don’t believe me? Just watch. Today’s Saturday. This morning I weighed exactly 179.8 pounds. So my goal is to get below 170. That’ll get me back to where I was 20 years ago. Back when McDonald’s was offering to put me on their breakfast menu as a Studly McMuffin. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration. But only in reality, not in my fantasies.

I’ll let you know at my Twitter page how I’m doing. No, I won’t bore you with constant tweets like, “Just had a nice hot bowl of water for dinner” or “Who knew styrofoam peanuts had so much flavor?” But once a day I’ll announce that day’s weight. Anyone who wants to join in, feel free. If you let me know how much you lost or are losing by posting your news at this site, hey, I’ll give away three of my books — you know, like by way of a drawing — to three people who lost weight too. And since the book is called STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK, reading the book will probably help you lose even more weight.

Okay, that’s it for now. Gotta get to work. This afternoon, it’s an hour on the step machine. Or an hour trying to convince myself to do 15 minutes on the step machine. (I don’t want to start too fast, you know. Might peak too early.)

Wish me luck. And good luck to you if you feel like joining in.

from soon-to-be-svelte-and-saucy Daniel

Freak Speak

Don’t you go calling me a caffeine head! I’m just getting smarter, that’s all!

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Humor Post #32 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Some people might call me a little hyper. Those people would be right. But I don’t like to call it hyper. I call it “focused.” I mean, my brain zeros in one something and doesn’t let go, like a pit bull’s jaws. Of course then I have to let everyone know about that something whether they really want to hear about it or not. So I get called for interrupting or not being “on task” or whatever. Well, that’s not true. I AM on task, just not your task, okay?

So here I am again in one of my focused moods. And part of that is probably because I just part of an energy drink. Don’t tell my mom. I don’t think she’d be real cool with that. She lets me have coffee sometimes though. It’s really good, especially with whipped cream. But I’m getting off-topic again.

Anyway, the good thing is I just found out all that talk about energy drinks and coffee and caffeine being all bad for you is just a bunch of Hooey. (Notice that’s hooey with a capital H.) People trying to hold you back, that’s what it is. How do I know this? From this article, that’s how.

Now I admit I don’t get everything it’s saying there. I’m not a scientist, not yet anyway. But it seems to me that all those people going “No, no, no” to energy drinks and coffee oughta get their ducks in a row. (Attention–Brilliant insight coming! Why would ducks stay in a row anyway? Getting them there would be hard enough, but wouldn’t they like immediately waddle off somewhere? What a useless exercise that would be!)

Back to my thought. No, it looks like caffeine might be the ticket to success for me. I can feel myself getting smarter even as I write this. And it feels good. Hey, wait a minute. Is that a little earthquake I feel? Huh, in North Carolina? That can’t be. I look around for evidence. Nothing. No dishes shaking or anything. Hey, now I see what I’m feeling. It’s my hands. They have the jitters. I’m trying to hold them straight out without moving them. C’mon guys, calm down some, okay?

Okay, maybe I have gone a little too far on this caffeine. Too much of a good thing, ya know. I’ll have to get back to you. Soon as I chill a little.

Peace out from your jumpy junior genius,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Let’s all be like Leonardo DiCaprio

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Humor Post #31 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Sometimes I like to watch these old black-and-white crime movies where the bad guy points a gun at somebody and says something like, “Touch my dame, ya’ big lug, and I’ll pump you full of lead.” And most of the guys in those movies have short names like Sam or Joe or Max — you know, cool, tough, punchy names that mean business: Ed or Jim or Roy or Al or Giovanni or Federico or… HOLD IT!! Just hold it right there, bub! Giovanni? Federico? Where’d they come from?

Europe, that’s where? Actually, Italy, to be exact. Apparently in Italy they don’t have names like we do. Their names are all foreign and fancy sounding. Like here if your name is Jake and you moved to Italy and you wanted to sound normal so people wouldn’t look at you funny when you told them your name, you’d call yourself Giacomo (ja KO mo). That’s their name for Jake.

Now I admit I’m more used to the American-type short names we always use. (And no, I’m not including “Crankenfuss.” You know that’s not my real name. It’s my nom de plume. (Don’t know that one, do you? That’s pen name in French.) I also know some people who have some pretty European sounding names, like Isabella and Olivia and Christopher. So maybe we’re changing to be more like them.

Well, I can think of someone who’s already used that tactic and it sure hasn’t hurt him. That would be Leonardo DiCaprio. He could be just good old Leo, but no, he likes being Leonardo. And you can’t argue with the results. I mean, practically everyone in the world has seen Titanic and for girls, that would be about six times each!

So I got interested in this and I did some web research to show how you can make your name turn into a really fancy sounding name by translating it into Italian. I put the European names first and made it where you can hear someone say them. (That someone is Daniel, who agreed to help me, and I said okay ’cause I didn’t know anybody else who could come even close to saying those names right. So if he says them wrong, it ain’t my fault, okay?) Then I made it so you have to guess what the American translation is for each name. I think you’ll be pretty surprised at how much cooler the European name sounds than the American one. Can’t help it, but that’s the way it is. So if you have one of those names on the right, maybe you should think about changing it. Just trying to be helpful.

This is super high tech, so I’ll tell you how it works. Read the Italian name on the left to yourself. If it’s kind of hard, just click on the name to hear how to pronounce it. Then guess what that name is in English. Click on the ???? in the English column to find out if you were right. I think you’ll be very surprised. And if you happen to have the exact name that comes up on the right, you’re in luck. Your new Italian name is all ready to go.

P.S. I know #6 (Louis la Colle) is in French. That’s because I couldn’t figure out how to translate the English name into Italian and the French translation was so cool, I used that instead.
BTW, thanks to Google Translate for helping me on this. And thanks to Maureen for setting up the source code.

FANCY  ITALIAN NAME ITALIAN NAME IN ENGLISH
Giuseppe Verdi ????
Federico Letto ????
Matteo Piatto ????
Michele Bicicletta ????
Francesco Banca ????
Louis la Colle ????
Maria Pelosa ????
Téodoro Testa ????
Milles Cocodrillo ????
Speranzina Cretine ????

So all I’m saying is if you got a name like Hairy Mary, maybe it would do you some good to change it to its Italian version, Maria Pelosa. It might even help you get a date. (Probably your first one, I would guess.)

from your I’ll-do-the-cooking-and-you-just-sit-back-and-enjoy-your-fancy-meal advisor and Truth Teller,
Dr. Crankenfuss