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Freak Speak

You Always Hurt the One You Love. Just look what this guy did to Tiger Woods.

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Humor Post #67 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Please everyone, before we start… Go check out the menu above for this site. See the link just after “Home”? What a thing of beauty that is, don’t you think? Dr. Crankenfuss’s Blog. Makes you appreciate what a great country you live in, doesn’t it?

Anyway, here’s a short and sad story. It’s the story of a dude who really likes Tiger Woods. So he goes and buys a ticket to see Tiger at the U.S. Open. (FYI, that’s one of the biggest and hardest tournaments there is. It’s a high class tournament in a beautiful place.) Now, say the guy lives near San Francisco. Well then, he can go see Tiger for somewhere around $200-300 for one round cause they played the tournament near San Francisco. At least that’s as close as I could figure it out from my incredibly thorough web research. Of course, then there’s probably $50 for parking, but we won’t mention that. If he has to fly in, ooh, that’s way more for the flight and the hotel, the meals, all those souvenirs like the life-sized blow-up doll of Tiger, and lots of other cool stuff.

So he wants Tiger to see him, to really notice him, ya know, so Tiger will remember him and appreciate what a great fan he is. So he dresses in a way that’s hard for Tiger to miss. A way that truly honors his hero.

This is a guy who gets to vote? And they won't let kids vote? (This picture came from Reuters.)

Yep, that’s right. He dresses up in a tiger suit. Now this isn’t some six-year-old getting ready for Halloween. It’s an ADULT MAN who gets to vote and to drive and probably has a job and responsibilities and the ability to fork out a bunch of money to see Tiger in person. How can things be so bad if this dude can scrounge up all that money? And the tiger suit. That had to run him half a week’s salary at Big Lots or Family Dollar.

Anyway, if I could talk to this guy (and I really wouldn’t want to), I’d say, “Dude, this getup makes you look like an idiot. You know, as in F-I-D-I-O-T! I don’t know if Tiger saw you, but if golfers get freaked out by people talking too much or by taking pictures, he probably had a meltdown when he saw you!”

Hey Tiger, over here, over here. (Photo by Associated Press.)

“Hey, that’s probably why Tiger flamed out this weekend,” I’d go on. By this time, he’s trying to get away but I keep following him giving him my deep insightful analysis . “Tiger was doing great on the first two days, you toe sucker, but then he got an eyeful of you jumping up and down and calling his name and BOOM! His game got zombified. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!”

And think about those other poor people walking nearby in the top picture. The one guy in the sunglasses is going, “Give me a break, bimbo!” and the others are doing their best to pretend they’re not in Madagascar III. Some woman in the crowd is probably telling her husband, “We paid $1000 for this? I wanted to spend our vacation money to go see a live performance of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ but you said we should come and see Tiger. Well here he is, right next to you. Why don’t you ask him for his autograph? Oh, you’re going to pay for this one, big boy. Just you wait.” And the poor husband is going to himself, “Why me, Lord? Why me?”

And to top it off, during the award ceremonies, some guy dressed up like a bird jumped in front of the champion and started “tweeting” on television. Really! What is happening to our world. Two weeks ago we had an epidemic of zombie attacks, people eating each other’s faces and sending body parts through the mail. (I’m not making this up. I saw it on television. On the real news, not in “The Walking Dead.”)

Yes sir, we live in a great country, yes we do. Lucky we have the freedom we do or guys like this would be put in places they deserve.

Anyway, that’s all I got. It’s not much, but Daniel has been drawing cartoons of moose for around 10 hours a day so I don’t get to write squat. Talk to you soon, I hope.

Till later,
from Your Dude with the Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

Tennis players and golfers must be wussies

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Humor Post #35 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So I couldn’t sleep Thursday night and I wake up at like 3 AM and turn on my TV. Not much to see at that hour unless you’re interested in infomercials for football-shaped coffins with your favorite team’s colors and logos plastered all over them, which was pretty funny for awhile, but then it was just kind of pathetic, you know. It was enough to make me go back to sleep. Almost. Then I saw that the Australian Open was on. And there was this great match between Andy Murray (whose name I can spell) and Novak Djokavic (whose name I can’t spell). And even though there were some great shots and stuff the main thing that got to me was every time they were ready to serve, the crowd got real quiet and if there was the least little bit of noise, the announcer would come on and say, “Quiet, please” and everyone would shut up even more. And I thought to myself, “Crankenfuss, it sure seems like those players are pretty sensitive. They can’t take any noise? Any noise at all?” I couldn’t think of any other sport like that, unless you count the National Spelling Bee as a sport. Then I did. Golf! Yeah, I remember one time — though I can’t remember where — they kicked this guy off the course for taking a picture during a big putt or maybe he just yelled something like “In da hole!” Anyway, I remember the TV announcers talking about how rude and crude that spectator was and how he didn’t have any respect for the game.

Please don't breathe too loud or this guy will collapse.

Huh?

What about most every other sport? I like to watch pro football and basketball and most of the time I’m sure the players can hardly hear anything, the crowd is so loud. Yeah, when the home team guy is shooting a foul shot, the crowd gets quiet, but when it’s the other team, the crowd goes nuts, waving their arms, probably yelling stuff about the foul shooter’s mama, and generally acting like maniacs. How come the announcers don’t talk about those fans’ disrespect for the game? In baseball I don’t see how the pitcher can concentrate on anything with the crowd so out of control.

Is this how a tennis player responds to a cheer during his serve?

So I have one question about all this? How come tennis players and golfers are such wussies? Why don’t they just go ahead and play like every other person on a sports team? Maybe they should get their mommies out there to tell them to do their best. (But not while they’re putting or serving, of course. That would be rude.) Just askin’.

I mean, when I write my posts, I never do it in quiet. I have the TV on or the radio or the stereo or something. And on top of that, I have all those voices in my head that keep me from concentrating. So if I can do it, so can those tennis and golf superstars. Time to suck it up, gentlemen (and ladies). Get with the program. Bring on the noise.

from the Dude with the ‘tude, your truth teller and blogger supremo,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. And yes, I did get back to sleep. Thank you for asking. It’s hard for me to get excited about much anything at 3:00 in the morning. I think I lasted probably 20 minutes.