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Freak Speak

Truckee, California? Really? Ooh, Ima make me some money!

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Humor Post #84 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching the news the other night — Hey, don’t laugh. That’s how I keep on my intellectual toes — and they were talking about flooding problems they were having in this place called Truckee, California. And I was thinking — again, hey don’t laugh! — what kind of name is Truckee? Is it like there were a lot of guys with trucks who lived near each other and they wanted to start a town so they named it Truckee? Does that mean there’s another place named for cars?

And then it hit me.

(That reminds me of a joke I have to tell you. I can’t take credit for it but it’s the kind of joke I could’ve made up if only I’d thought of it. So here it is. I kept wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.)

Anyway, back to the topic. What was it? Oh yeah, a city named for cars.

I live in Durham, NC. About 20 miles away there’s a town — actually it’s almost as big as Durham, so really it’s a city — called Cary (pronounced like the girl’s name Carrie, you know, like that chick who went all postal when her classmates dumped pig blood on her and she was making knives zing through the air and everyone’s bodies and then her hand reached out of the grave and aw… just rent the thing, okay?). I never thought of it till now. Maybe when it started, it was named for cars. (It’s a pretty new city so that IS possible.) I mean, it’s a really well-off place. Nice and pretty. They don’t even have power poles and wires all over the place because they put them all underground. So I figure the average family there probably has three or four cars.

Ta dah!! Cary.

So now we have Truckee. We have Cary. What’s next — Vanny, Bussy, Hybridee, Hatchbackee, Trainee, Planey? Hey, there is a Plano, Texas, isn’t there?

Anyway, here’s what Dr. Crankenfuss is doing for the next few hours. Dr. Crankenfuss is gettin’ his butt over to GoDaddy and — if my Mom sees the genius of this idea — registering the names of every town he can think of that comes from a kind of transportation. Okay, I’m not going for Tricyclee, but there’s lots of possibilities. And when someone wants to start a new city with that idea, they’ll have to come to you-know-who so they can have a city website.

Wish me luck on convincing my mom? She’s not always so keen on my perfecto plans.

Anyone feel like moving to Hatchbackee? That’s my favorite so far.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Farmer in the Dell? More like “Farmer in Hell.” Farmer eaten by his own hogs?? OMG!

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Humor Post #78 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I can get pretty negative at times. Okay, very negative. But every so often I read stuff that makes me glad I’m alive. Or at least I’m alive and not having the awful luck some people seem to have. But today’s news goes way beyond that. Thank you, Lord, for not letting this happen to me. A farmer went to feed his hogs somewhere in Oregon. When he didn’t show up after a while, people went to look for him. All they found in the hog pen were his dentures!!

You can read about it here.

I know there’ll be jokes all over the internet like the animals going “hog wild” or the hogs were no doubt making a preemptive strike, but hey, I eat bacon and I know I have hog farmers to thank for getting it to me. So I feel bad for that guy and his family.

Nothin’ else to say. Have a good day, everyone, and let people around you know you appreciate them. You never know what’s around the next bend.

From your reformed (for today, at least) grouch,
The Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The post office won’t give a kid a 6″ piece of tape for his package. What’s with that?

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Humor Post #77 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Last post I had something nice to say. For once. I said I liked my mailman even though I thought his job wasn’t long for this world. Well, I changed my mind. That’s what I get for being nice. Oh, my mailman’s still okay. Unless they move his job to behind the counter at the post office. Then I won’t like him anymore.

“Huh?” you’re saying (and not quietly either). Let me explain. I wanted to send a few CDs I’d made to my cousin yesterday so I got my mom to take me to the post office cause they have those padded kinds of envelopes I needed. So I get the package, which costs $1.79. Sounds fair. Everything’s copacetic so far. I write the address and all that on the package, stick in the CDs, and I’m set to go. I get up to the guy behind the counter, he weighs the package, and I pay him for the stamps. Still everything’s just fine and dandy.

Then I ask him to put an extra piece of tape on the flap of the envelope to make sure the CDs don’t fall out, you know. No big deal, I think, and better safe than sorry and all that.  Well, it turns out it IS a big deal. “You didn’t send your package priority mail so we can’t give you any tape,” the guy says.

Are you kidding me? A lousy piece of tape? What’s it gotta cost the post office — maybe half a cent? I just gave the guy like four bucks for my stuff and this is the gentle kindness I receive. I asked him again about it and he said again that if I sent the package priority mail, he’d put a piece of tape on it. But that would cost me extra, like way more than half a cent extra. Sure, it would get there a couple days earlier but hey, my cousin’s getting the music for free. He doesn’t even know he’s getting it since it’s a surprise. What’s he care if it comes in two days or five days?

So I know the post office is in trouble and all that, but saving your precious pieces of tape ain’t gonna solve the problem, bro’. I just hope that package doesn’t break open or I might have to find a lawyer. One that specializes in kids that would look sweet and sympathetic on the news.

So, ol’ Crankenfuss still likes his mailman. It’s just that he doesn’t feel so bad about the post office being in trouble anymore.

So all of you out there, stay strong, stay smart, and plan ahead if you’re sending any packages at the post office. Bring your own tape.

Have a good day/week/month/year/life.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

These stupid quotes will make you feel like you’re a genius!

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Humor Post #75 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Crankenfuss is CRANKY, people. He can’t think o’ nuttin’ to complain about today. What the heck is the world coming to? Well, actually I could, but I don’t wanna. I think I’ll be positive for a change. So today I’m giving you 10 of the dumbest things anybody has ever said. I found these all over the web and I made sure I found every one of them at least twice. That’s the best I can do to find out if they’re true. I could try to contact everyone quoted, but some of them are dead, the others don’t know me, and I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to write back to some twit who’s asking them, “Are you as stupid as this quote makes you look?” and say, “Oh yeah, I said that. I’m as dumb as a rock who gets F’s in rock school.”

And even if these quotes (and the people who said them) are pretty pathetic, at least you can say, “Hey, my life ain’t so bad.” At least I’m not as dumb as this knuckle-dragger.”

So here they are in no particular order, ten really dumb quotes:
1) “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” (Jason Kidd when he was first drafted out of college to the NBA)
2) “The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” (Frank Rizzo, the dumb mayor of Philadelphia a long time ago)
3) “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” (Brooke Shields, actress)
4) “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” (Marion Barry, another dumb mayor, but this time of Washington, D.C.)
5) “I’m keeping an eye out for those Americans.” (Osama bin Laden. Actually, I just made that one up. Pretty good, if I do say so myself.)
6) “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” (President George W. Bush, talking about education)
7) “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Joe Theismann, former star NFL quarterback, but he was no Norman Einstein)
8) “I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.” (Cher, famous singer and actress)
9) “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” (former Vice-president Dan Quayle. There’s lots of dumb quotes on the web by him. Some of them gotta be true, wouldn’t you think?)
10) “I wished the buck did stop here. I could use a few.” (Dr. Crankenfuss, world renowned sage. Okay, I admit I stole this one, but I really did make up #6.)

That’s it for today, oh posse of mine.
Till later, it’s your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Baseball Managers Fake It Almost As Much As Pro Wrestlers

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Humor Post #73 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I was watching ESPN’s Sports Center the other night and they had this great video collection of baseball managers blowing up at umpires. There were a lot of red-faced conniptions going on, but some took it way farther than that. Kicking dirt on the umps, throwing bats, tearing bases out of the ground, you name it, they were doing it. There’s this guy Wally Backman on some Georgia team who is famous on YouTube for having a mouth dirtier than a bus station bathroom. I’d put the link here but I don’t want to get in trouble with any parents who might be reading this. They could sic the cops on me for corrupting minors or something.

Anyway, near the end of this ESPN show — and I have to say it was pretty hilarious —  Crankenfuss had a brainstorm. Mightier than a hurricane, you can be sure. Here it is. I’m almost positive the managers are mostly acting!! You know, like pro wrestlers. Now I know a lot of people think wrestling is real, but there are a lot of people out there who claim Elvis sings to them at night. Live!! Folks, the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it. Anyway, even the wrestlers admit they’re faking it, at least some of them. Oh, I don’t doubt they get hurt. (Getting belted in the head by a chair would cause a little discomfort, don’t ya think?) It’s obvious they’re super tough. It’s just that they know who’s going to win ahead of time. I mean if someone stomped on your neck with all his weight, I think they’d have to peel your neck off the mat. But those guys get that done to them all the time and they don’t die. They always seem to keep on fighting.

In a word, wrestlers E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–E everything. They exaggerate their moves, their pain, their anger, their meanness toward each other. If they did’t, how could they go to the same locker room after a brutal match and not kill each other back there?

The Crank is getting off topic again. Too much chocolate or ADHD, one or the other. Back to baseball managers and their E–X–A–G–G–E–R–A–T–I–O–N–S. How come it’s only baseball bosses who go nuts like that? I watch tons of sports. I never see a football coach throw a football at a referee’s or get up his face, spit flying out of this mouth. Or how about basketball coaches. They wear zillion dollar suits, at least in the pros, and act very professionally. If they say something nasty and the ref hears it, they get hit with a technical foul and the other team gets free throws. In other words, their team GETS HURT when they act up. NOT IN BASEBALL. Nothing happens to the team at all when the manager throws a hissy fit.

Warning alert: New Crankenfuss brainstorm. It probably all starts with the fact that baseball managers dress up in baseball uniforms. How stupid is that? Do basketball coaches dress in shorts and sneakers? Football coaches in helmets and pads? Gimme a break! The managers are already playing make-believe so they just take it all the way. Now I admit I could be wrong about this, amazing as that sounds. I’ll admit it when you show me another sport where the managers/coaches do the same type stuff as often as those baseball guys.

Until then Dr. Crankenfuss thinks there’s something very fishy about those whacked out managers. Maybe there should be some kind of acting award for those performances.

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
The Doctor