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Freak Speak

You want to see how good a reader you are? Try this test.

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Humor Post #56 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

We had a great reading lesson today.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “What?? Where’s ol’ Crankenfuss’s usual rant, his whining, his complaining, his ‘I hate everything’ way of looking at the whole world?”

Well, I’ll tell you. That attitude is on hiatus for this blog post. (Yeah, it’s a new word I just learned. You can look it up.) Today I’m Mr. Happy Face cause my English teacher had this cool lesson. She brought out five of those mini-bags of popcorn and said the first five people to complete this silent reading contest she was ready to pass out would get a bag of popcorn. That got us hyped cause what’s not to like about popcorn? So she handed out this paper face down on everybody’s desk and when she was done, she said, “Okay, turn it over and you may begin. Bring it to me when you’re through. If you’re one of the first five to finish it, I have your prize right here.”

Now I consider myself a pretty good reader so I figured I’d have a pretty good shot at bringing home the bacon… uh, popcorn. So I tore into it like an alligator into a wildebeest. (I saw that happen on “Planet Earth.” One of the gruesomest things I’ve ever watched four or five times. So sad. For the wildebeest anyway.)

Here’s what was on the sheet of paper, starting right at the top:
——————————————————————————————————

This is a contest to see who can follow instructions the best. There are 20 tasks listed on this paper. The first one to finish them wins. But please read all the tasks before you start. When you have completed the assignment, bring it to the teacher and she’ll give you your prize.

1. Write your last name. ________________________________
2. Write the last name of this class’s teacher. ___________________________________
3. Put the current year on the line at the right. ___________________
4. Do not do anything on this line.
5. Write the name of the city we live in. __________________________________
6. Write the name of the state we live in. _________________________________
7. What is the name of our school? _____________________________________________
8. What is the last name of our President? ___________________________
9. Skip this line and go all the way to Number 15.
10. What is 72 + 8? _______
11. What is 3 multiplied by 3? ______
12. How many weeks are in a day? Circle the correct answer. A. 7   B. 30   C. 31   D. 1/7
13. What is the antonym of the word synonym? _________________________
14. What is the abbreviation for United States of America? __________________
15. Who was the USA’s first President? George _____________________
16. From which country did we win our independence? (Hint: It rhymes with Bingland.) ________________________
17. Go back and answer Number 10-14.
18. Write the alphabet backwards from G to A? ________________________________
19. Did you read all these tasks before you started? __________
20. Don’t write anything on this page. All you have to do is bring it to the teacher for your prize. Don’t tell anyone how you did it so fast. If you’re one of the first five, you WIN!

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Man, after the first eight things to answer, I was in a groove. I figured I had a great chance of winning. My hands were flying like an F-18. And then it happened. The first person finished and brought up her paper. HUH?? How was that possible. I was only on Number 6. Then two more people came up. NO!! HOW HAD THEY FINISHED SO FAST?? After another two more minutes, two others had come up and the teacher was out of popcorn. The biggest mystery was the last two to come up weren’t even very good students. They were making like maybe C’s in the class. HOW COULD I BE LOSING TO THEM?

IT WASN’T FAIR! My mouth was sweating, almost drooling really, it was craving that popcorn so much, especially after the winners had opened their bags and were happily munching away. There were some grumbles about the test not being fair, so our teacher made us put our pens and pencils down and made us read the instructions at the top of the paper again. “This time read them very carefully,” she said. I did what she said and after a couple minutes, I saw why I’d lost. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS! And the key to everything was in boldface. But I have to admit it was a cool reading test.

So here I’m offering it to you. Maybe you can print it out and have your teacher give it to your class. Of course, that means you’ll win, which is even better.

Just one more helpful suggestion from
The Dude Who was in the Mood for some Food,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I wish I was as sick as a dog! That would be some sweet action!

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Humor Post #54 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Here’s another of those stupidissimo  expressions you hear all the time: sick as a dog. What’s with that piece of rot? Daniel has a dog, a collie named Lance. Talk about cool. You can see him doing a magic trick here. Now Lance is about as regular a dog as you can find and one thing that’s easy to say about Lance — he hardly ever gets sick. He goes to the vet like once or twice every year, once for his yearly checkup and shots and once to get shaved for the summer. Almost never for being sick. (Though he did have a bad case of fleas once, thanks to Daniel being too careless, or too cheap, to put flea stuff on him.) Anyway, I can safely say I wish I was as sick as Lance. Man, I’d put doctors out of business!

Now I know there will be a few of you who look up the phrase and you’ll write to say, “Oh, you stupid Crankenfuss, People say that because dogs will eat almost anything and then when they eat something bad for them, they throw up. That’s where the expression comes from.” And I’d fire right back at you, “Fair enough, Bullet Head, but it’s still a dumb expression because whenever I see a dog throw up, he’s over it in about 10 seconds. They get rid of the bad stuff inside and then they’re ready to go on with their walk. I’ve seen it many times. Usually when humans throw up, they call in sick and stay home, and lots of them moan and whine for hours. Not Lance. Within a few minutes, he’s ready to eat again. Sometimes he even wants to eat his own barf! Yeah, that’s pretty sick, I know, but it’s still a sign he’s got a positive attitude. A sure sign of good health, I’d say.”

And on top of all that, he can eat anything he likes and he never ever gets fat. How many of the rest of us can say that?

So here are a few alternatives I’ve come up with for “sick as a dog,” every one of them way more accurate. Feel free to use them. You don’t even have to give me credit.
— Sick as a guy with bubonic plague (Look it up. Those buboes were beyond y-e-c-c-h-h!)
— Sick as an asparagus eater
— Sick as someone who’s forced to listen to Justin Bieber for 5 hours
— Sick as a zombie with the flu (See, they’re already dead, ugly, and starving, and then they get the flu on top of that. That’s gotta hurt!)

And while we’re in this fascinating conversation about dog barf and other sicko stuff, how about that beaut “I’m feeling under the weather”? Hello! Aren’t we all under the weather? Okay maybe if you’re an astronaut or a space alien, you’re not, but by definition the rest of us are. So there’s another cliché to stay clear of.

That’s enough for today. More to come within two days.

From Your Dude with a ‘Tude,
your thinker who’s no stinker,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Hungry as a horse? Oh, we can do better than that!

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Humor Post #53 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This one’ll be kinda short so here goes.
What’s with these silly sayings we use all the time? I don’t know whether to call them clichés or expressions or whatever they are; all I know is a lot of them are — how shall I put this nicely? — DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! Like today, we’re on our way to lunch and Joe (someone you probably don’t know) says, “I gotta get to the cafeteria. I’m as hungry as a horse.” Now nothing against Joe or anything. He’s not dumb or anything, but why do people say “hungry as a horse”? Now I got nothing against horses either but are they hungrier than other animals? (Same question with “hungry as a bear”.) Why didn’t Joe say, “I’m as hungry as a teenager”? Now any parent will tell you that’s way more accurate cause they’re always complaining about how much their kids eat. We can’t help it; we’re having our growth spurt. (BTW, I wish mine would start spurting a lot more. Like a geyser would be nice. Then maybe I’d be better in basketball.)

I looked up which animals eat the most and there’s lots of stuff out there, but it seems that hummingbirds are definitely near the top of the list. One site says they eat 2/3 of their weight each day. Most of it is sugar. Wow, who wouldn’t go for that? But they’re also so hungry they eat lots of bugs. Now that’s HUNGRY with a capital H and a U and an N and … Oh, you get the picture. Another site, named Birdola, of all things, says hummingbirds eat TWICE their weight each day. And they eat every 10 minutes!! Now let’s see a horse do that! The horse would have to eat like 500 or 1000 pounds of food a day. Hay, that’s a lot! Ha, ha, get it? Okay, I know it’s dumb.

I spent some time thinking of other dumbissimo clichés like that one and it wasn’t too hard. If you feel like, you can even send me one and I’ll use it if I haven’t thought of it yet. So get ready for a barrage of bull hockey in the next week or two. There’s a lot of expressions that need to be 187ed. Okay, if that’s too strong for you, how about “put out to pasture”?

Thanks for listening and remember, I’m always out here, lookin’ out for ya’.

Note: You know the real reason I’m stopping right now? I have to raid the refrigerator cause I’m hungry as a hummingbird.

from Dr. Crankenfuss,
The Dude with the ‘Tude

Freak Speak

Part 2 of “Time to change the way we tell time”

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Humor Post #50 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Well, here’s part two of that much needed tirade against how we measure stuff. In this case, it’s time. Specifically, it’s the months of the year. This won’t take long. Just go back to the last post about the days of the week and I’m sure you’ll agree they could use some new cooler names. Now it’s time to show you 12 reasons or at least close to that many why we need new names for the months as well. Quickly, here’s a rundown of how all our months got their names. (Note: If you think they’re silly at the start, wait till you hit the last four stinkeroos. Unbelievable!)

January — named for Janus, the Roman god of beginnings. Not that bad, I guess, but no one’s believed in this guy for a couple millennia.

February — apparently, this was named for Februa, some ancient festival they had in Rome. C’mon, ask anyone in the world the last time they celebrated Februa. . . Find anyone who has? I didn’t think so.

March — named for someone at least I’ve heard of. It’s Mars, the Roman god of war. Yeah, that’s great: a month named for war. And where’s the month named for peace? Nowhere, that’s where.

April — Well, maybe this is the antidote to Mars. A couple places I looked up says this is named for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. Kind of a stretch, but if true, very nice, I’m sure, but who in the world knows that? What good is a cool month like Love Month if  no one knows when it is? I bet if you asked people they’d say February was Love Month because of Valentine’s Day.

May — Another one nobody ever heard of, unless you’ve heard of Maia or Maiesta. For me it would be better if it was named for “May I have a big helping of pizza?”

June — for Juno, wife of Jupiter. ‘Nuff said.

July — for Julius Caesar, that guy who got himself stabbed to death in the middle of Rome back before Jesus was born. At least he got to have an affair with Cleopatra before he took that dirt nap.

August — for Augustus Caesar, another Roman leader who came in the first century. Does anyone see a certain influence a certain city has over all our American months? Why do we still let the Romans tell us how to tell time?

September — Here it gets even dumber, if that’s possible. September comes from septem, the Latin word for seven because it was the seventh month way way back. HUH? And October comes from the Latin word for 8, November comes from the word for 9, and December comes from the word that meant 10. Oh, I get it. Our name for the ninth month is THE SEVENTH MONTH, our name for the tenth month is THE EIGHTH MONTH, and so on.

People, when is the world going to wake up? This is pure silliness. Why can’t we take control of our own lives? It’s not like the Roman gods are going to come back and attack us or anything if we create some new better names. And even if they did, boy, would that ever be exciting. I’d be watching CNN 24/7. I bet those ancient washed-up dudes would  never be able to beat our smart bombs, lasers, and radioactive poop blasters. (Admission: I made that last one up, but it sounds like a good weapon to me.)

So once again, please listen to Crankenfuss and let’s get someone started on fixing our ways of measuring time. Just be sure to give me credit when the world catches up to my modern way of thinking.

from Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Some people should put bags over their heads

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Humor Post #46 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Now don’t get your shorts all bunched up over my title up there. I’m not talking about people for their looks or anything. Although I do have to admit that there are some people out there whose looks could use some improvement. Like in some instances, brushing your teeth would be a good start. I don’t especially like someone smiling at me and I can see what they had that morning for breakfast. Or who knows? Maybe it’s last week’s dinner. Whatever, I don’t need to know about it, okay?

No, what I’m talking about here is a matter of health and well-being, particularly mine. There’s this guy in one of my classes. Let’s just call him Dummkopf for convenience’s sake. So he shows up at school with a cold. Now that in itself isn’t a crime. Why should you stay home for a cold? Then I’d be like, “Aw, what’s da mattuh wittle guy? My wittle baby have a big bad cold? Aww, let mommy put you to bed now.” No, staying at home for a cold is kind of wussy, isn’t it? But I do have a small suggestion for ol’ Dummkopf. When you feel the need to sneeze, how about holding back on the snot parade, okay? I mean this guy lets it fly, like outta the park, you know? Once I got a nice hose down of fine spray. Now I’m on a death watch, worrying about what little killers he might have let loose into the atmosphere that are now probably breeding inside me. Not a pleasant thought.

I went on the web and found the evidence for what I’m talking about. This clip, is from the BBC and the narrator has a British accent so you know he’s gotta be smart. It’s not even a minute long, but I tell you — the last ten seconds will make you think twice about how you look when you don’t cover up your nasty sneezes in public. Talk about gross!

So here’s to covering your mouth when you sneeze — I’m talking about you, Dummkopf, and all the slobs like you — and here’s to my not coming down with flesh-eating viruses that might keep me from blogging all the stuff that keeps your life worth living. And if you can’t cover your mouth, please refer to the title. That would be at the top of this post, Stupidhead… excuse me, I mean Dummkopf. (Gotta keep it in its proper German, ya know. Makes him sound dumber that way.)

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
your Scold Against Colds,
Dr. Crankenfuss